hermine's picture

No longer a virgin

During an argument with my 16 year old daughter about her usage of the family car, she blurted out that she had had sex for the first time about 3 weeks ago. I was in such shock, I couldn't say anything for about an hour. Then I spoke to her (not yelling), explaining to her that she has made an adult decision,etc., etc. I tried to say all of the the things I was supposed to, not what I wanted to.(That her innocence is lost forever....) I did not want to make her feel bad or guilty.

I want her to have high standards for herself and her body. She had an attitude of so what, its just sex. It has only happened one time, although she said, while not looking for it, she cannot promise me she will not, not have sex again. She has always been a good kid, never giving me any real problems.

Her father, my ex, has been out of the picture for the past six months. He is an alcoholic and she does not want anything to do with him while he is drinking.

I am worried the most about her nonchalant attitude of so what. It does not seem to bother her. The boy she "did it with" is unknown to me. Not a boyfriend. She has never had a relationship with a boy before.

How do I get her to realize she could be on a bad track if the sex continues. She said she is not planning on having sex anytime time in the future, but will not discount it if she meets a boy she "likes".

I, myself, do not date, too busy with work and school. I have no desire to have a man in my life, she knows that, trying to say she does not get the behavior from me. We have always had an open relationship about information on anything she asked me about. I tell her the truth about anything she would ask. I am astounded that she would do this. Perhaps I should not be.

She states she does not regret what she did, how I want her to, though. I realize this will happen, I just did not figure so soon. I thought she would have a boyfriend relationship first.

I am very upset about this. How do I handle it and talk to her about this. Is a trip to a GYN in order? How do I get her to realize that her behavior is not appropriate. She says it's not that big of a deal. Really?

Kara's picture

Dear Hermine, your daughter just went for the "forbidden berry", I guess. otherwise she'd state that she loves that boy, etc.etc. If she loved the sex and all the feelings, perhaps she will continue, but if she didn't like it as much, I don't think she'll long for it. You better tell her to be very careful for not getting pregnant, explain to her that it is disastrous to get pregnant at her age and all the facts... I feel for you,
Best of luck to you and your daughter.

Sister83's picture

I can imagine that you feel terrible about this because she is your child, and I'm sure you still see her very much as a child. But, to take a step back and be rational about it, 16 isn't that young to lose one's virginity. Does this make it a good idea? Of course not. But it is somewhat "normal."

Just keep talking to her about respect for herself, pregnancies and STDs. Keep the lines of communication open. Try to avoid doing or saying anything that will make her feel "dirty" or "slutty" or otherwise lower her self-esteem. (Not saying that you are, just that you should try to avoid doing so).

Since she said that she might do this again, I think a trip to the GYN is 100% in order. She should really consider birth control, and you can never have too many people tell you about safe sex, etc.