wilddaisy's picture
wilddaisy

My teen daughter-I have not raised her right

Hi,
I'm new here and I really need some advice. I have 4 daughters-the oldest is 29 and the others are 18, 17 and 14. My oldest daughter has done really well for herself-graduated college with a masters degree, is independent-has good friends, just doing well in general. She was a really mouthy teenager but I never really worried about her making really poor decisions or putting herself in harms way.

My 18 y/o is another story. When she was in second grade we moved to a very small town which at first I thought would be a good thing but now I'm not so sure. Or maybe it's just her personality.
Anyway, she's been a wild child since 15-sexually active, I've found out very recently drinking-in fact she was arrested 3 weeks ago for public intoxication while a passenger in her own car that she let a boy drive and he got pulled over (he wasn't drinking).
She's had her activity restricted since then-no more spending the night anywhere-early curfew-if she doesn't like it she can move out. She does graduate next month.
You may think counseling? We've done counseling-several-she doesn't want to go-we are rural and it's an hour drive just to get to someone.
The pluses are she does work and keeps up with her expenses, she's the editor of her schools newspaper and she has scored well enough on her SAT that she can get into a good college-she's dying to move out and believe me. I'm ready to let her go. I feel like a complete failure as a mother.
I was pretty wild myself as a teen with a mom that did nothing in the way to explain to me about boys and was just pretty free with calling me a slut and a whore. I've tried to avoid all that with my girls--I've tried to explain things to them and make them see that sex in a commited relationship is one thing-but sex does not equal love and it's not the way to get someone to love you either.
My husband and I have a pretty good relationship-no major hiccups like affairs or drug/alcohol/physical abuse. Our main struggles have been money related as I've stayed at home the last 10 years to care for the 17 y/o that is affected by Autism.
Anyway, lot of background here-I just want to know-how is this girl ever going to have any respect for herself? I opened my browser today and she had signed in to her facebook and forgotten to log out. Her message window was open and yes, I read a few. One I read made me sick-a young man sending pictures of his erect penis inviting her in a crude-very crude-way to do oral sex on him. Is she offended? Hell, no-she makes some playful banter back with him. I want my daughter to have romance, companionship, friendship, laughter, trust, soul-sharing-not some crude invite to "do" some teenage jerk. I've tried and tried to tell her all these things.
Another message is to another jerk she has had a thing for. Why I do not know. Asking him to come see her-he has no car, no phone-he's like well, you can come see me. I want her to have some PRIDE in herself-stop chasing after these lowlifes that can't even work or go to school? What is wrong with her? Where have I failed her? She sounds like a slut in her messages-I'm sorry but she does.
Part of me wants to reply to every one of those messages and tell those boys to respect my daughter but should I? We raised our oldest one alright and the 14 y/o seems like she's on the right path-the 17 y/o is a lot of work but a good kid. I know all this sounds disjointed-I'm just so disappointed. Really, I'm just surprised-I think even as wild as I was I don't think I let boys treat me with the crudeness she allows.



jimcrich's picture
jimcrich
Your story is so lacking in significant details that I find no way to respond other than to say that your child's behavior shows me that she is a VICTIM of very inadequate parenting which is why she has no self-respect or adequate moral values. I was a teen once and most if not all of my "values" came from my parents and I, like your child, had very bad self-esteem and very corrupt values thanks to very INADEQUATE parental influences. I'd seek counseling or therapy for you and your husband to figure out where you have gone wrong. good luck