jadynsmommy's picture

My 14 year old daughter..plz help me

I just need some advice from other woman who may have been through this with there daughter, My daughter is a 14 year old who as far back as I can remember has been a handful, She has always been diffucult and a strong willed child, What I need help with is, When her and I get into a fight, SHe will start throwing out insults, saying things like I hate you, I wish you would die etc, I am not sure what to do, I swear she talks to me like I am her friend, there is NO fear in her whats so ever, I always tell her , I am your mother, dont talk to me like that and of course she doesn't stop. I have no idea what to do when this behvior starts, I end up acting just like her and we go back and forth, We are driving the rest of my family nuts!Please help me with ideas to stop this. Im not sure how to react when this starts, Ive tried to ignore it and it only lasts so long til I start DEFENDING myself, I know this sounds bad, Why do I have to defend my parenting skills to my 14 year old....UGH...HELP!!



trixiegirl10's picture

I also have a fourteen yo daughter. My daughter is also very strong willed and independent. She also knows that her actions have consequences. If she was disrespectful priveledges would be taken away and you have to stick to what you say.
Don't say for being disrespectful you are losing your phone for 1 week and then give in and give it back to her in 2 days. We talk about respect in our home all the time with her-respect herself, friends, her brother, her parents, grandparents, teachers etc. We have never had a problem with her throwing out insults. If you find yourself getting frustrated ( and believe me I know how frustrated they can make you) send her to her room so both of you can cool down then try to talk to one another later. Tell her how hurt you are when she does that. Good luck!!!!!

2xstepmom's picture

Contact your local department of Child Mental Health. They should be able to point you in the right direction. Her behavior is unacceptable.

SilentEntity's picture

I know how girls that age can be but perhaps its the topic at hand that is the cause for her response? Id love to say "just punish her" but my mother dishes out insults and degrading comments like no tomorrow and I get defensive as well (just not insulting). Perhaps if she continues with this behavior (which I know is disrespectful) talk to her about why she does it? Maybe you both are doing something wrong? Perhaps both of you need to change what ever you have been doing to fix that.

junieg's picture

You both need to earn respect from each other. Can you look deeply into how you talk to your daughter and say that you are faultless? . Can she be reflecting this in her actions?

L.B's picture

i think that your daughter needs a good spanking i mean i am a 16 year old mom and i would have never talked to my mom like that cause she would have put me over her knee and gave me a good old fashion spanking and when she tells you that she hates you and says insulting stuff to you right then stop doing things for her like driving her to her friends or giving her things if she doesnt repect you as a mom why should you go out of your way to help her and respect her she needs to give you respect before you give her any she is the child she needs to earn your respect and thats how i look at it keep your head up and stay strong

vanissa's picture

i know exactly what you mean. My daughter was acting the same way i took her tv, stereo,ipod, computer away. Everytime she argued with me and she wouldn't listen, that was one more thing i took away from her and soon she realized she had no control over that. I had to let her know that i am the adult and not her and that she was not going to control me. Even when she was nice to me just to earn her stuff back. You have to hold strong as hard as it is and let her know you are not going to let her try and control you. Good luck

Lassy's picture

Gosh, does THAT sound familiar!

From what I've read, heard, etc., you must stay her parent, not so much her "friend." Of course, that does not mean you cannot do fun things with her. It sounds like a battle of the wills -- are you perhaps trying too hard to "win?" Maybe let her think she has more control over her own decisions. Let her make small decisions -- what to wear, etc.

I've learned that arguing is futile --

Also, try going to interesting places with her -- is she interested in anything that you could perhaps do with her?

She might be having some issues with friends or school. Try to find out in a subtle way.

Also, do not defend yourself; stay calm when she gets hyped up. If you find your anger rising, just walk away.

When she's calmer, knock on her door and tell her you'd really like to try to get along better and is she interested in trying too? Ask her. I'll bet you find that she really wants to be close but also wants her independence.

Lassy's picture

Yes, perhaps her behavior is unacceptable but the parent has to take responsibility too. It takes two to argue.

You can't put it all on the teen. :) Learn some parenting skills and each one take responsibility for your own behavior.

teisco's picture

Stay strong, you are the parent and things that you do and say will make them unhappy. Remember you are not there to be a friend you are there to be a parent. She will give you a hard time, but in the long run it is good for them.

Nate's picture

One of the major discoveries I've had in dealing with my daughters is that the best time to fix the problem is before it gets to the argument stage. Everybody has arguments, but it sounds like the real problem you're having is how you react to each other during the argument. You can't fix that in the heat of the moment, you can only try to control the situation so it doesn't escalate out of control. I spend a lot of time talking to my girls when we're feeling casual and relaxed, and it's at that time I try to teach them about respect, for themselves, for each other and for me. It's a role model thing, and I take pains to show by my actions that I respect what they say and think as well. It lays a good groundwork for when we do experience conflict, because we tend to still communicate in the same way (respectfully), but now it's about the disagreement we're having. It's not a quick fix, but over time it's been very effective. I'll admit, there are times when I have visions of spanking and insults, but that really won't have the effect I'm looking for. I want them to respect me, not fear me.