arielsmom's picture
arielsmom

My 14 year old daughter is gay

My daughter recently told me she is attracted to girls, I have been supportive of her and told her the same rules apply to her as dating boys and that I love her no matter what. She is a good kid and rarely causes me issues I am very concerned for her lately a boy at school told her she cannot be christian and like girls, she is in youth group right now and is scared anybody there will find out and I have told her it is best to keep it to herself at church right now. She told the boy that god accepts anybody who lets him into her heart and I an very proud of her but I can tell she is struggling any advice. I am feeling so protective of her my views have changed so much on this issue its all different when its your baby.



tamz's picture
tamz

I remember being attracted to girls when I was younger. It's hard to figure out if that means one is gay... She's only 14 so she should not "declare" her sexuality at this time. If she's attracted to girls then fine, be honest about it, but for you to declare "my daughter is gay" is too soon.

Why be a hypocrite at church? Do the other kids admit when they are sexually active? Do they admit when they lie or smoke or gossip? Those are all sins according to the bible and we are all forgiven if we want to be.

It feels like you are telling your daughter to be ashamed of being attracted to girls. You encourage her to stand up for herself to the boy at school but hide her feelings at church. Church seems like the better place to get support; At least at church they teach tolerance and love.

arielsmom's picture
arielsmom

I am not teaching her to be a hypocrite at church at all, I do not want her ostracized or hurt at the church. I failed to mention I live in a small town in Tx and yes churches are supposed to teach tolerance and love in a perfect world but alot are filled with very intolerant people. And I certainly do not want her to be ashamed of herself just not labeled or hurt.

acitez's picture
acitez

Discretion about who one likes, whether one is hetero- or homo-sexual, is one of those civil behaviors that is disappearing. It is not hypocritical, it is a modest valuation of how much you matter to the people you associate with.

That's just a lot of big words to say that it's nobody's business, and most people don't care, except for those who exploit the information to make themselves seem important.

And ,she is too young to be certain of her sexual orientation. Don't spend much time or energy on it.

tamz's picture
tamz

Discretion is a good lesson but it applies accross the board; at church and school. I don't think school is any more tolerant or supportive than church.

If it seemed like I was calling you a hypocrit, I apologize!! I only meant to say if she hides her true feelings at church but outwarly supports the values of the church then it could seem hypicitical.

Again, I'm sorry...

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

I understand why you'd advise your daughter not to talk about this issue at church or certain other places for that matter. It's such a difficult position to be in, and at 14, your daughter probably feels so isolated and confused. Of course she's going to want to talk about her feelings, but unfortunately there are many people out there that are not very accepting of others who are different. Kids can be so cruel, and I too wld be so protective of my child. The last thing a parent wants is to see their child get hurt. It's heartbreaking. My oldest son has a disability, so I can relate to how you feel. You want your child to be accepted, not rejected.
I wld encourage your daughter to talk openly w/ you about her feelings. Encourage her to be herself, and continue to tell her that you love her and support her no matter what.
It might also be helpful for her to seek counceling b/c talking to someone neutral may make it easier for your daughter to express herself.
I wish you and your daughter all the best.

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

You are so right it is different when it is your baby!

My 24 y/o daughter is seeing a 42 y/o man of a different race who is living with a woman, and is convinced the man is going to marry her, take care of her and and they will someday have children.

It is obvious to everyone except my daughter that he is just using her but she refuses to see the reality of the situation. It is heartbreaking to our entire family that she continues to waste her time and emotional energy on this man.

Just be there for your daughter and let her know you love her. That's all any parent can do.

Belcher212's picture
Belcher212

Hello,
I just wanted to share w/you that 4 months ago my 15 yr old daughter told me she was dating a girl as well. It was very shocking at first & I worry about her dearly,but like your daughter she has always been a good kid,gets good grades & has never gave me problems. I am trying to be very supportive of her & her choices. Although I know she's young & things could change,I want her to know I love her unconditionally & that will never change. I will always be there for her. We too,live in a very small town (3500 people),but to my surprise the school,teachers & students have been very supportive of her & her girlfriend. I talked to the school counselor & principal & they actually were the ones who really helped me out. I just wanted you to know that the school may be more supportive than you think. As for church, they can be judgmental & I know the Bible too. I would have to say tho,by asking your daughter to hide it from them,is teaching her to hide it & also maybe that your imbarrassed for anyone to know. I feel if the church treated her badly or shunned her,I would not want to attend that church anymore than anyways. I do understand totally how you feel tho. It took me awhile to tell anyone in my family,as we're military & live far away & I didn't have too, but finally did, as my daughter thought it was because I was embarrassed. Just so you know, your daughter may take it that way as well. If you ever need to talk,I'm here & can use a friend to talk to too. If you'd like,let me know & I'll get ya my email somehow w/out putting it on here. I did find a couple great online books that really helped us & would also be great for you & your daughter. Go to

outproud.org/brochure_coming?out.html (for you & your daughter)

Theres also another one on that site thats for the parents & really helped me understand alot, called "our daughters & sons"
Hope this helps & please if you need a friend,I'd be glad to have one too. It has been challenging in alot of ways.

Belcher212's picture
Belcher212

Hello Again,
I got the web site for you that has helped me alot & it is also where I found the two books I told you about. The books have really helped my family out alot. They allow you to print them.

http--pflag.org

Hope you find it useful.

ttlove's picture
ttlove
My daughter told me she is gay.she has never had a boyfriend and I feel that this its wrong and I don't want to allow her to date a 17yr old girl.but I don't want t to push her away.I need some advise