rzasate's picture
rzasate

Just found out teenage daugher/15 gave her first handjob to 18yo boy.

Ok. I am so upset! My daughter is 15 yrs old, 9th grader and pretty much a A/B student. She met this boy online and became friends and met him in person several weeks ago and continued a relationship with him over the phone. On the weekends she visits her grandparents and I just found out yesterday she actually left their house in a Cab early in the morning, 4am and went to his house and got her first kiss and gave her very first hand job. THen went back to her grandmothers house and told everyone she went for a walk. ..wow. Ok I picked her up yesterday in the afternoon & so this morning I grab her phone and saw text messages that I just couldnt believe! I screamed and cursed and screamed and really really wanted to beat my child for the very first time and call the cops and have this little perv arrested! So after i yelled at her, and called him and yelled at him! and told him to never talk to my daughter again or I would have him arrested, she broke down and said she loved him and told me about the hand job and leaving in the morning and she told me everything. I just sat there stunned/shocked, and all I could think of, really, is WWJD(what would jesus do). Which really shocked me even more, being that I am not a religious person at all. I just sat there, her crying in her bed, and I walked down stairs and started to look up WWJD online. really no help. and found this site which now I am typing and hopefully making some sense. I dont know. Ijust need some type of advise, someone to tell me its ok to feel this way...something?! I dont know. Help, WWJD or whatever?



Sister83's picture
Sister83

Of course it is ok to be upset. I think this would be most parents' first reaction. But now... calm down, relax, and think about how to best approach the situation and respond like an adult. Your job now is to give your daughter guidance, not to shame her.

There really are much worse things that can happen. Remembering that helps to keep things in perspective. To some extent, what your daughter and this boy did is somewhat "normal" for their age group. That doesn't make it right, and she should certainly be punished for sneaking out.

If you are a religious person, you could seek guidance from your church. That aside, I always think it is a good idea to keep communication open with teens even if they don't want to hear it. Talk to her about sex and relationships... and just life in general. For example, what is a good and healthy relationship for someone her age? What are some of the problems with being prematurely sexually active with someone? I know it is emotional and hard to avoid, but getting angry and screaming and cursing doesn't help.

The important thing is for your daughter to develop and maintain an positive image of herslef as a girl who is growing into a woman, and a healthy view of sex and intimate relationships.

Sexual curiosity and exploration are normal... the problem seems to be that kids are engaging in these behaviors before they are emotionally ready... and often are ignoring the risks (STDs, pregnancy etc). This is a good time to talk to your daughter about that... and also about respect for herself.

Try to get her to figure out why she wanted to give this boy a "hand job"... what does she think she gets by doing this? And, just b/c she did this one does NOT mean she has to do it again.

Just talk to her, talk to her, talk to her. :)

Good luck to you.

mayamay's picture
mayamay

Listen to her, listen to her, listen to her. As far as "normal" goes, normal does not mean acceptable. It just means common. It used to be normal for women to die in childbirth, for children to die of measles, for 14 year old girls to marry 30 year old men, for children to work in coalmines.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

Is your daughter still seeing this guy? I wld intervene, take away any means of communication w/ this boy, and sit your daughter down calmly. Explain to her that she is still young and that she has plenty of time to fall in love. If you are ok w/ your daughter "dating", set strict rules and stick w/ them. Also, make sure your daughter is always supervised. Kids this age experiment and want to be independent. It is your job as a parent to keep your child safe, build trust, and teach her the importance of making responsible decisions. You both shld use this situation as a learning experience and move forward. Always communicate, and encourage honesty. This will make for a stronger relationship and will bring you and your daughter closer together. Good luck!

rzasate's picture
rzasate

I did take away all forms of communication, no cell phone & no internet.She sat in her room all weekend long &cried &eventually came out and started talking again.She knew I was very dissapointed in her &she thought I was wrong about him just playing on her vulnerability &being a predator. After a couple of days of her sulking in her room without anything other than her thoughts, I asked her how she was feeling &she said she was fine&really thought about it &said she thinks I was right &that she felt sooo stupid &is glad she didnt have sex w/him. She talked 2me about everything &I really feel alot better,but still very angry at that loser 18yo boy.She will not have a phone 4a while &hen she does get it it will be a standard older phone(she use 2have the iphone with all its apps) &a new phone # as well,no pic messages,standard text only& data blocked from her phone. She is going to be losing alot of her former privileges and she knows it.

GirlsMom's picture
GirlsMom

I read this and my heart does go out to you rsasate. I have an almost 16 year old teenage daughter who is a sophmore in high school and if I saw a text message to the likes of what you saw, I would be very concerned. First off....and 18 year old with a freshman is NOT a good mix. This guy is too old for her and probably too sexually charged as well. This would be different if your daughter was 18 or older but because she is so young, it is completely inappropriate. My daughter is allowed to date but she is not able to go out with boys that we don't personally know and is not allowed to date anyone older than 16 at this time. I have also talked to my daughter since she was 12 about what happens emotionally and physically when things start to get sexual when you are not an adult. I really honed in on the emotional complications and how things get weird, awkward, and socially challenging very quickly if she chooses to make mistakes that she may not be able to take back. I also talked with her at great length about diseases, pregnancy, and the physical issues of being sexually active. I did not scare her, but I made it clear that sex requires maturity and 100% accountability. Something that very few teens ever have until they are much, much, older. I think you did the right things here for your child. The 18 year old needs to take a hike because she's too young and he is looking for things he should not be getting from someone under his own age. Thank God it was just a hand-job. It could have been worse and that would've been a bigger disaster. Use this lesson as a springboard to continue to talk to your daughter and make her realize the complications that having sex or engaging in sexual acts can have when she's this young. Stay focused on the "awkwardness" that it has made her feel and let her know that she feels this way because she is not ready for this at all. Teen girls do not like discomfort of any kind so this is the best medicine she could get right now to keep her head in the right place and her hands away from the boys body parts. Just stay involved in her life, keep the lines of communication wide open and keep her talking to you. Offer her advice before she needs to ask you for it. Have solid rules about dating and keep the circle of boyfriends CLOSE to you and only within her age group and peer group until she's older and wiser. Everything will be okay. I'm living this right along with you so you're not alone. You're a good mom and she's lucky to have you in her life!

carcharm's picture
carcharm

I would seek counseling. I did something similiar when I was 14-now 50 with kids. I would press charges because he could screw up the rest of her life. Also, when she's older she will appreciate that you cared enough to get rid of him.

jimrich's picture
jimrich

carcharm
I agree with you.
jim