tapyeno's picture
tapyeno

Inappropriate language

Hi
We have some concerns re our 13 y o daughter.
We found in her school diary recently some disgusting comments of a sexual nature, put there by herself and some friends. We spoke to her strongly about this and informed the school. She was grounded for a month - reduced to 2 weeks for 'good behaviour'!

We had a good chat this week about it again from the point of view of her self esteem and self respect.

We were horrified yesterday when we found a screwed up piece of paper in her pocket. She had been playing 'consequences' it seems with another girl in class,and the language was sexually explicit - I would go so far as to say obsene!

We have discussed this with her. She said it is an old piece of paper from before the last episode. This we are not sure wether to believe her - why have it in her pocket for so long?

My wife is extremely upset about this and is going to see the Head Of Year. She has also told our daughter that she is seriously considering moving her from the school as it appears she has got in with the ' wrong crowd'.

Anyone else experienced anything like this? Are we treating this too seriously - we know 13 year olds will be curious abot sex, but feel this is torally inappropriate.
Would welcome others' views.
Thank you.

Pat



AlabamaX3's picture
AlabamaX3

Last school year my 13 year old had a note taken up by her teacher. The note had been passed between my daughter and 2 other girls, the contents of the note were profane and explicit.

My daughter claims she wasn't serious about anything she had written in the note, and that the language in the note was typical of most of the girls she knew. She said she was doing what she had to, so the other girls wouldn't think she was stupid/dorky/uncool.

We grounded her for a month, and I searched her pockets and bag for notes daily (I know this sounds extreme but the note was BAD). I collected around 3 dozen notes, more than half were inappropriate(she got really good at hiding them). I learned from the notes which of her friends were- not a good influence. We talked to her and lectured and discussed every note. We made it very clear what was acceptable and what was not.We had the sex talk (have given one every year since age 10, I age it up every year). We also signed her up for after school activities with the "acceptable" friends. We got through to her, but it took a lot of effort to get it to sink in.

This school year we haven't had any problems, but we stay aware of who her friends are, monitor computer time and she's not allowed her own phone.

acitez's picture
acitez

You might also check for her level of understanding. I was amazed at the language kids were using, so I started very explicitly defining the words they used. They were grossed out.

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

Very good advice from AlabamaX3. The decision you made is not extreme, it is in the best interest of your child. Young teens are exposed to more and more sexually explicit material and often try some of these things out. It starts out with words which often lead to harmful actions. Do what you have to do as a parent to protect your children. They may be upset with you now, but in time will realize you are just doing your job as a parent.

Sister83's picture
Sister83

Your post sends me right back to the seventh grade! My friends and I wrote the most disturbing, profane things in each others' yearbooks. I also recently came across some notes that were pretty graphic.

A lot of it was supposed to be comical though... we weren't actually doing these things, or thinking seriously about doing them. I remember thinking it was funny and sort of competing to say the most extreme, shocking, and even disgusting things we could imagine.

In my case, no one ever caught me though.

Do whatever you think best as a parent. I think it depends on the tone of these notes more than anything else. I don't know the severity of the situation or whether your daughter is actually doing the things she writes about.

FWIW- The author of these dirt notes (me) is 26 now, in a stable relationship and has good friendships, advanced degrees, and a good job.

Just thought I'd chime in to tell you not to panic :)

tapyeno's picture
tapyeno

Today she has been excluded for 2 days - for putting a teacher's image on facebook - took photo unknown to him in class. One other teacher's image found on her mobile phone.

Meeting tomorrow in school with HT. We fully support school's actions but our daughter appears not to understand seriousness of issue.

She is grounded now till after Xmas - no mobile phone or PC for forseeable future.

We are NOT popular with her - but we need now to make sure she takes some responsibilty for her actions.

She is not alone in this and have discovered tonight that other pupils also had pictures on their sites, but have now removed them after hearing what happened to our daughter.

We will inform the school.