momw2kids's picture
momw2kids

I found a pipe in my daughter's room what do I do?

Last night we found a pot pipe (no pot thankfully ) in my daughters room, she was over a friends house and i didnt call her or do anything  since it was late . I am not for certain how to react to this, she has never given me any reason not to trust her and she's a pretty good kid. What should I do as punishment? I'm certainly going to ground her, take away the cell phone ect, but how do I make sure that this wont happen again?? I was thinking about not saying anything except leaving the box empty with a note, to see if she will come to me and talk. I always want to leave the communication line open ended but Im so mad right now im afraid of how Im gonna react.. any advice out there??



junieg's picture
junieg

How old is your daughter?

kimiyo's picture
kimiyo

You must have felt terrible.   I would be so upset it that happens to me.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />


But point is to guide her to change her behavior not to punish her.  I think good communication is so important when kids are getting into trouble.  there must be some reasons that lead her to do that.  If she get punishment sor harsh treatment without good communication, I think it just makes your relationship worse.  If she decided you are the enemy, she won't listen to you however reasonable and right you are.  I think you need to listen to her why she started to do that without interrupting her and anger.  You need to show her that you care.  So maybe it's important to tell her that you feel sad to see her hurting herself and it hurts your feeling.  I'm sure she knows what she's doing is wrong so after you really listen to her and show your care, she'll be more receptive to what you suggest.  Of course I agree that  she needs some time our to really reflect on her behavior.


If you know you can't control your emotion yet, you may want to wait for a little

junieg's picture
junieg

It could have been worse of course. You could have found drink. Although it's best she wait till she's finished her schooling to try this, she's a normal adolescent. Pot will do no great harm in moderation. . Drink and cigarettes are the worst enemies.

quizzy's picture
quizzy

I am assuming that you have an open communication with your daughter.


 Therefore, I would suggest that you have a family talk with her. You may want to start out by saying something like," I wanted to share with you what I experienced today".


Don't be surprised if you get a negative response. Teenagers, in my experience with working with them as a Teacher over 15 years, if they feel threatened or fearful will first respond by anger or rejection. But, at least you got it out in the open and she is aware that you know something is going on.


 DON"T let it end there. Reassure her that you trust her and want her to know that she can share things with you good or bad. That is not always easy to do for teens or especially pre teens as they are trying to find their own maturity levels. But grounding her will make her angry and possibly make her rebel more. Every action has a reaction and believe me with three children of my own who I raised to who are now young adults i can emphasize with you, it is not easy.  This is not trained psychological advise, just a mother and teacher who has been there a time or two.


Keep a close eye out for any signs that might make you think that she is using drugs of any kind. If you don't know the signs then make it a point and educate yourself about them. In the meantime, like I said, watch her for withdrawal signs, change of additude, eating habits, spending less or more time with certain friends, talk with parents of her friends to see if they have noticed changes in their son or daughter. Do anything you can to find out information. Your daughter may be angry with you but you know what - if she is having a drug problem you will have a head start on saving her from distroying her life and yours.


Good luck and God Bless!!

kb999999's picture
kb999999

First of all, just because there was no 'pot' present, doesn't mean much ... believe that it was already 'smoked ' and friends can get more to replace it.


Also, was this pipe new? Unused? Are you sure this pipe is one for 'pot' and not meth/crank? If you are not sure, please contact someone who is more knowledgable ... like a drug rehab, hospital, health department or the police. Either way ...


You never mentioned her age, but you need to confront your daughter, have an open discussion and explain your opinion on 'pot' ... be fair and listen to her view (or the excuses she give you just to not get in trouble). 


If you do not want pot in your home - tell her - my now 18 yr old always uses the excuse, "Well, you never told me that ...". Set the rules of your home and verbally express them directly to your daughter. Write it down (contract style) and both sign-it. You have the proof for later and she has a written agreement to refer back to. It worked for me !!!


Will she continue using 'pot' ??? Only she will make that decision for herself, no matter what age she is. Good luck to you both ... Kim in AZ

bittersweet's picture
bittersweet

What's wrong with getting ANGRY? This is a situation that demands anger. Your daughter has drug paraphenalia in your home. It's ok to be angry, yell, make it VERY clear that this is not acceptable in your home. I am also wondering the age...and if you're sure it was pot and not crack, meth, or something much more serious. I agree that there are worse things than pot but it is YOUR house and if you don't want it there or want her using it then that should be made VERY clear. I think sometimes yelling is in order and drugs and other activities that can have lifelong effects are excellent reasons to yell. I think we're a little to scared of damaging our fragile little teens! And because of this... not stepping up to our responsibilities as parents. They are very adaptable and are not as fragile as we would think and I'm pretty certain that she knew it was wrong, it was something you didn't want her to do and EXPECTS you to be mad!!!

callie's picture
callie

Hi,
Well, you have to say something.
Talk about sex and drugs has to be out in the open. If it isn't then the message you give the kid is that it's not okay to talk about it, you won't be able to relate and there's no point in trying to do so.

I'd confront her with the evidence. You might get anger, she might blame a friend --it doesn't matter. The fact is that it was in her room --she has to be accountable why it's there.

Anyway, she might not admit to smoking but you need to find out whether it's meth, crack or weed. Sorry to be so blunt, but you do have to ask.

Do so in a non-accusatory, non judgmental manner and you'll pull more out of her. It's not easy! But you want her to open up, not retreat. It's when they retreat that you can't reach them at all!

Good luck!