sunshinegrumpy's picture

Help....daughter with cold feet?

I need any advice I can get. My daughter has dreamed of playing volleyball in college ever since she was a freshman in high school. She worked hard for that goal and we helped her in every way we could. Sometimes pushing her when she felt like quiting and everytime she would always pull through that sluggish stage. She is now a senior and at the beginning of her senior year she made it a point to say I do not want to go to the colleges nearby because one-anybody could go to, another because everybody goes there, another because it was labeled a party school and the last one because it was in a smaller town than what she was used to. We had planned on getting her a nice car when she went away to college but with the economy and gas prices not so good last year we ended up buying her car early and then parking our suv and driving her old car. She drove her new car and the deal was she keep up the good grades and stay out of trouble and of course go off to college as she had planned. She has a current running gpa of 3.469 and is a good kid who has made a couple of bad choices here and there nothing major. FYI she was grounded from her new car and sometimes from all cars depending on the bad choice. So anyways we spent money for her to play club volleyball and travel to be seen. So almost two weeks ago we went on a college visit and she was offered a $12000.00 athletic scholarship which is huge considering the tuition is $17000.00. She would keep her new car we would pay for car insurance, gas, cell phone and spending money as needed for her to go and continue to be a good student. The thing is approx one week before we went on visit she met a boy who is a freshman at the local college that she didn't want to go to because everyone went to it. It has been almost three weeks and she is still seeing him. The thing is she is now feeding us the bull that she doesn't want to take the minute she isn't crazy about volleyball anymore yet on her myspace she claims it is her life and she loves it. So anyways...the next minute she has always wanted to go to the school her boyfriend goes to even though there is no offer on the table for a scholarship. But would be possible if she went to the college in Montana and then transferring at a later date and getting on the local college. Yet she doesn't want to lose her car. We told her if she stays she drives old car, lives at home by our curfews and we will pay for school however she needs to get job and pay for car ins, gas, cell phone and spending money. She is torn between staying here with friends, boyfriend and familiar place. The thing is she is very outgoing and makes friends very easy. We are confident she will get to college and make friends and eventually forget about the high school friends. After all the first semester of this year she had all these great friends she hung out with cuz they had classes here we are in the 2nd semester and she is on to the next group of friends she has classes with and we feel like she gets to college new friends will not think about old friends. She doesn't understand why she can't have car and we support her in her choice to go to school here. The thing is I tried to get her to go to closer college for my selfish reasons and she didn't want to....we probably could have pursued scholarship opportunities her but it is too late. So last night she signed letter of intent her dad gave to her to mail and now she doesn't know if she wants to mail. Of course it is all our fault we pressure her and are overbearing. do we take the letter she already signed and mail it for her or do we let her throw away this great opportunity. I just don't think 17 year olds are qualified to make these kinds of decisions that will affect the rest of their lives but then I could be wrong. Any body please advise.

acitez's picture

I heard a radio talk show host give this advice. When your kid turns eighteen, they get the pink slip on their life. Pink slip is jargon for the title of a car. What she meant was, once the child is eighteen, they have full authority and full responsibility for their own decisions. Based on that idea I would tell my daughter the following things if we were in this situation.

Sweetheart. You are going to be eighteen next year. You'll be wanting to be on your own. You won't want me interfering in your life. So, in April of your senior year in High School you will want to start getting serious about finding a pretty good job and an apartment for after graduation. You will be welcome to come home for Sunday dinner. We'll certainly be celebrating your birthday.

She's going to say "What about college?"
You can say that you were thrilled that she was offered the volleyball scholarship, but that when she had second thoughts about her own college education, that made you have second thoughts about supporting her through it. You sure wish her luck.