MEANMOM's picture
MEANMOM

Help Teen Daughter and her boyfriend, Too much time together????

Well I will try to make it short and sweet...My daughter is 15...her new boyfriend is 17 but I like him alot. He is respectfull and trustworthy and love his mom too. Because of this I have let my daughter go to his house to visit, Something I never thought I would let her do. His mom has MS and he helps take care of her and they only have one car.His mom needs him and the car there as much as possible in case something bad happens with her.His mom has had 2 seizures in the last 2 months and has lost mobility of her legs. I have been very leenient about letting her go to his house because of all this. Now she has been goin 3 or 4 days a week and I think it is too much. I know I am the parent but what are some good rules to set?? I feel bad letting her have so much time with him and now take it away. they go to 2 different schools...I was thinkin 2 days a week?? that way it does not get out of control this summer like it has over xmas break..she has been at his house more than at home.
Just so no body thinks I let her run wild...Her curfew is 10pm and she is not allowd in car with him alone until she is 16 in june. If his 12 yr old sister is with them it is ok.My daughter has NO cell phone uses a third phone we have extra. No phone after 9pm on week nights and 12 am on weekends.Maybe I am just too overn protective...Thanks...jst another meanmom..ha ha quote un quote..that how I got my screen name!!!



Sister83's picture
Sister83

I'll preface this by disclosing that I don't have children and am in my late twenties. But I figure it can't hurt to get different perspectives.

I spent nearly every day with my boyfriend when I was your daughter's age. I think I was looking for something that I wasn't getting at home, but I am not saying that is the case with your daughter.

I think you have to set some sort of limits b/c that way everyone knows what the boundaries are and no one is upset or surprised. But, think about what those boundaries should be.

Rather than saying "I think 2 days or 4 days is the normal amount of time" concentrate on how it "feels." Is your daughter ditching her friends? Is she spending enough time with your family? Is she involved in any sports or school activities? More importantly, has she given any of these things up to spend with the boyfriend? I think this is subjective and can vary child to child. Some kids can hang together a lot, others get too "obsessed." That is what you want to prevent from happening, IMO.

Also, I think it is important to talk to your daughter about how you feel and why you think it is a good idea for her to spend less time with her boyfriend. Maybe it will go in one ear and out the other, but at least she will know that you are trying to get her to understand, and care about how she feels.

As far as her not being in the car alone with him... unless the other mother knows you are opposed to this, and you trust the other mother to comply with your wishes... I would bet they have been alone in the car together.

Also, if the mother is immobilized in another room, or the kids are allowed to go into another room together, I wouldn't discount the possibility that there is, at a minimum, some heavy making out going on. I am not trying to scare you, but I think it is better safe than sorry. No one can imagine their kids in this type of situation because they seem so young and innocent, but it happens.

I would give her a talk about birth control. I'd also let her know that there are places she can get oral contraceptives (like Planned Parenthood, where they don't need insurance) if she is uncomfortable telling YOU about it. I know this sounds weird and counter-intuitive, but I've known people that have found themselves in bad situations or engaging in risky behavior b/c they didn't want to tell their parents they were having sex. Of course, still encoruage her to talk to you about everything.

It sounds like you have a good kid and that her boyfriend is resposible. Stay on top of the situation, but don't worry too much.

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

Sister83 gives a good perspective on your situation and makes many good points from a young person's view.

Have you sat down with your daughter's b/f's mother so you are sure you are both on the same page as far as expectations for your daughter and her b/f while she is at her b/f's home? The rules you have set for your daughter are reasonable and do not seem overprotective but keep in mind: all the things that could occur after 10 pm could occur before that time. (My best friend from high school got pregnant at 3 in the afternoon when she and her b/f "went for a walk" during a church picnic!!) Many parents have a false sense of security by setting an early curfew.

Instead of a set number of days for your daughter to go to her b/f's home, my suggestion is for them to spend time together based on planned adult supervised activities, such as a meal or watching a movie as a family. An equal ammount of time should also be spent in your home or activities with your family. Though is wonderful that her b/f feels such a sense of responsiblilty for his mother, you must make sure they are constanty supervied while in his home or any activity attended. Unsupervised time very often leads to risky behaviors for teens, so supervision by adults, not the 12 y/o sister, is a must. This worked well for both of my children as teens, who as adults, have both thanked me for being so protective of them and thus preventing them from being involved in situations that could have resulted in them engaging in risky behaviors. If your daughter and her b/f are not already involved in those behaviors, then they should have no problem with spending only adult supervised time together.

MEANMOM's picture
MEANMOM

Thank You... it has turned into a bit of obsession for the b/f...My daughter went to visit at her 1/2 sisters and the boy txt me 3 times and left a voicemail asking if I had heard from her...this is her first relationship so she does not know how to deal..so when I suggest setting limits she thinks I am tryin to stop them from seeing each other, and I am not you have given me a way to talk to her about so maybe I can get her to set limits herself by me pointing out what I see and making a suggestion...When I replied to his txt..I told him to give her some space, and she has to answer to me already she should not feel like she has to answer to both of us...and I told him instead of sitting around wondering about her make her wonder where you are for a change let her call you...also he does not like her 1/2 sister,thinks she is a bad influence and she is...but I told him jst dnt talk to her when she is with her sister..I have discussed this issue with his mom and the 4 of us are gonna sit down and talk about how much time they spend..and yes she is tryin to get attention she is not gettin at home.she does not like my husband and because he is laid off I am working 50 and 60 hours a week and I was a stay at home mom before..thx thx very helpful

MEANMOM's picture
MEANMOM

I forgot to say I got that covered!!!! I had her on depo shot back in june made her gain like 28 pounds..kinda funny at first but decided it would be cruel to get another shot so in November after research of it...I had Implanon put into her arm..about the size of 1/2 a tooth pick and good for 3 years!!! and no wait gain...as a matter of fact she was in a 9/10 and now she is back into a 5/6..this will cover her til she is 18 and1/2 then maybe I can get her to get it again..if you decide you wnt kids they just remove it..I guess I just need the support wish this was live chat I have other issues with her..but there are so many chat rooms I dnt know where to begin..