kema00032's picture
kema00032

HELP!! NEED ADVICE PLEASE about my 13 year old girl

7/30/09
My daughter is 13 now. Her father and I have been seperated for 10 years. About a year ago I found out that when she was 8 yrs old, her father had done some inappropriate things to her during his visit with her. She had confessed it to her teen cousin during a truth or dare game. Naturally, her cousin had to tell what she heard. My daughter didnt seem to think it was that serious. But hearing about similar experiences from other people, they hated the person for doing it to them. weather it be thier dad, uncle, brother, etc..... But she was okay with it until she was told that it was a bad, wrong, and hurtful thing. We tried to open a case against him with child protection and the police, but there was insufficient evidence. It had been too long ago for her to remember important details about the incident. So nothing came of it. My daughter was devastated that she was cut off from all contact from her dad after I discovered what had happened. She is traumatized, because I cut her off, nightmares etc.. For almost a year she was getting more emtionally unstable over it. I got her into counseling, that helped but it wasnt until I agreed she could talk to her brother and her dad on the phone with me right there, that she finally seemed to settle down and relax. Why is it that her father did these horrible things to her and she's not even afraid of him, or angry with him? She was more traumatized by the fact that she couldnt see him or talk to him as a result of what he did, then what he actually did? As a matter fact, she wasnt traumatized at all by his actions. Is this normal? She said that he didnt hurt her, or force her to do anything. He showed inappropriate body parts to her and she touched him out of curiosity, and when she got uncomfortable he stopped and never did it again. This makes me sick to my stomach!! This is a sick, sick man. Why does she want to have a normal relationship with him like nothing happened? She wants to forget it ever happened, and she never wants it brought up to her dad. Is this normal behavior for circumstances like this? She is 13 years old now and she is showing deep resentment towards me because I wont let her go and see her little brother and her grandma and her dad for a few days. She's acting as if Im the bad person here. I was told by a social worker during the investigation that men like this have a preffered age bracket. now that My daughter is old enough to stand up for herself and she knows right from wrong, Should I let her see her little brother and grandma even though her dad is there? Since the police and social services threw out the case, in her eyes, I am the only person keeping her from her family. It has been 5 years since the incident. what do I do?!!!
I am stressed and a wreck over this.



acitez's picture
acitez

Apparently there is not court-ordered visitation, right?

2Boys4Us's picture
2Boys4Us

Hi,
I sympathize with you on this issue. It must be tough knowing that she resents you for trying to do what is right for her. She's not going to see that unfortunately at her age. I know what you described is SICK. NO DOUBT about that fact, but what the social worker told you about the age range thing IS USUALLY true. Without giving too much info, I have been involved in these types of investigations for over 21 years and have seen these types of situations many times over. The child wasn't physically harmed, (in their mind) so they don't feel that they were really "violated" and can't understand why "YOU" do if "THEY" don't. It's maddening I know!! I could only suggest that you try to have something put in place to where if she does visit, it be a "supervised" visit. That way she could have some sort of relationship with her father and her brother, but not be placed in a situation to where she could be inappropriately treated again. Although I hate what he did too, our children do need their fathers too. She will reach an age where she can choose to go live with him and may rebel against you and do just that. But if you allow these visits and relationship, maybe she'll see that's not what she wants by then and she'll also be older and more capable of understanding that you being protective over her is for her benefit and not to her detriment. Best of luck to you and your daughter.

MJL9334's picture
MJL9334

I can't really give much advice, but I think you should at least let her see her family after 5 years, but if you feel it nessacariy you could come and supervize too

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

I wld talk to a child pshychologist about this (someone who has experience w/ cases like this one). I wldn't take this lightly. As a child, your daughter didn't understand right from wrong so of course she feels resentment towards you. Maybe she buried the incident in the back of her mind. However, God for bid her father tries something again, this incident can come back to haunt her. It can also affect her future relationships w/ men as well as her own feelings of self-worth. Whether the incident happened or not, or whether it was severe or not, shldn't matter. It's your job to protect your daughter. I strongly advise that if you do allow your daughter to see her father, that the visit is supervised. As for her brother and her grandmother, I don't see why your daughter can't see them. Is it possible to meet w/ them at a neutral place w/out her dad being there?