disclosed1's picture
disclosed1

Help! My 17 yo boy likes a 14 yo girl!

How short can I make a long story? My boy is ADHD and immature so the girls his age won't give him the time of day. He has never dated. He works part time in the spring and fulltime in the summer and he has a 3.5 GPA so he has his strong points. He has one good friend (who is part of our church family) that he visits in town regularly, but we live out in the country and he hasn't wanted to get his license yet so he is really dependent on us so we know where he is at all times, which is school, work and home accept when he sees his buddy. Apparently, this girl lives across the street from his buddy and they are now infatuated with each other. They have been talking on the phone for 6 months and she just turned 14! He led us to believe she was in high school too and now I hear that she lied to her parents about his age as well. Our boy's friend's mother finally told us that the girl is grounded for sneaking out and going over to her house in the middle of the night when my son was there - I can't believe she didn't tell us when it happened, but that is another dilemma. Apparently, nothing happened because her parents knew she snuck out right away and because we always know his whereabouts, we don't think he is sexually active - YET!! We just don't know what to do, but we have told him he is in no way allowed to continue this relationship. Normally, we have been lenient about who he talks with on the phone, but he's never had a girlfriend and she will be at his high school next year and he will be 18 so we don't know how to deal with this. I am going to call her mother and hopefully she will be on the same page with us, but we also realize the limitation of our control once he turns 18 next year. Please give some advice. I know this girl comes from a good and moral home so I doubt she is trouble and I know that my son just wants to have a girlfriend and maturity wise they are probably compatible, but I just don't know how to convince him that this is just not acceptable. Please help. Any advice would be helpful. My husband is furious!



acitez's picture
acitez

I'd get together with her parents and talk about your concerns, work out communication and supervision issues. I'd suggest no more late nights or sleep-overs at his buddy's house. At school they are not likely to have opportunity to get in serious trouble. I would tell my boy that dating someone who is 14 when he is legally an adult is a problem, that if there were just a year difference in their ages it would be more acceptable.

It is likely that the 14 year-old will have moved on to a new crush by the time school starts.

disclosed1's picture
disclosed1

I certainly hope you are right. She is from a small Christian school that only goes through 8th grade so hopefully she'll see all those other boys her age in high school and be long gone.

It's already been determined that he will not stay the night at his friends house anymore and since we know where he is all the time, it should not be a problem - for now. I just don't know how to impress upon him that this relationship is not acceptable - the heart wants what the heart wants - as they say. Thank you for your advice.

acitez's picture
acitez

It is possible that he will naturally lose interest, too. You risk blowing this out of proportion.

disclosed1's picture
disclosed1

I think the chance of her losing interest once she gets to the high school next year is probable, but I'm not so sure about him - they've been communicating all year. Since he has no interest in actually "dating" it isn't too critical right now. He isn't anywhere near wanting to get his license and he knows her parents will not let her date for quite sometime so I'm a little more level headed than I was when we first found out yesterday. We realize we can't stop them from communicating, but their will be boundaries about contact and he's always been good at staying within them on other issues. It's just that we realize with his physical age, he's so close to 18 and then all we can do is make suggestions. Quite frankly, at that point it really is up to her parents to enforce rules not us, but we want to be supportive to her parents as much as we can and protect our boy too.

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

Laws vary from state to state, so you should check out the law for age difference for statutory issues in your state. An 18 y/o young man in our state got jail time for being intimate with a younger girl. This situation got him a record and ruined his career goal as a h/s football trainer. At the time, the girl's parents were OK with the relationship, but filed charges after they found out their daughter had XXX with the 18 y/o.

If you discover the age difference could get your son into legal trouble, he needs to be told so he can do the right thing and leave this girl alone until she is age appropriate.

disclosed1's picture
disclosed1

It's up to 5 years in prison once he turns 18 if he was to have sex with her, but we have told him the chance of being convicted even if he was innocent is also a factor and it could ruin his life. Because of where we live and the fact that he is always with family or church family, I believe him when he says he is still a virgin, but I feel that if the opportunity presented itself, it would be next to impossible for him to resist. I now understand the old saying about how the girl really does hold the purse strings here and my son isn't any different from any others his age so I'm really uncomfortable with where this could go after he turns 18 whether it's this girl or another underage girl. Unfortunately, because he was homeschooled until highschool, he will be 19 as a senior and I really hate that, but he had to have freshmen credits he missed in 9th grade so he has to be there an extra semester. The key here is to help him understand what COULD happen. I wish I could find a book written by someone who it actually happened to. Does anyone know of any?

acitez's picture
acitez

You keep mentioning church. Could your husband or pastor talk to him about abstinence before marriage, fidelity after? The story of Joseph running naked from the woman who was trying to seduce him?

disclosed1's picture
disclosed1

Our church youth group focuses on purity as soon as they enter the program and it's hammered into them every year during those events. And, we talk about it constantly and have so since he turned 12. Although we come from a very conservative church, all kids face the same external social pressures. Except, I do believe it's why he is still a virgin, but with more freedoms comes more pressure to conform. So, in that respect, we can do all the preaching in the world we want to and they still have to make the choice in a world full of pressure, sexual media/music and kids being in the thick of it.

SnglDad's picture
SnglDad

This is not a battle of external forces pressuring him to have sex with this girl. We want to blame everything from the television, to music, to video games, peer pressure, and some even blame the devil himself. The fact is that this kid, like most all young males, is battling a pressure from within. The sexual drive of a male teen causes him to think about sex throughout most of his day. His natural desire to have sex will only be overcome if he wants to overcome it. No amount of hammering is going to stop him from pursuing what he naturally desires. The hammering he has received since the age of 12 has done little to steer him away from his natural desires.

In fact, though the mother believes he is still a virgin, he may very well have had sex with this young girl. From the age of 12 he has been told that this is something between a husband and wife. It could be that the very preaching that is intended to prevent him from making poor decisions, has actually made him hide his desires, and questions, from the very people who he should be able to talk to about anything. He lied about who this girl was, and her age. How can we expect him to tell the truth about whether he has had sex or not when he has been told for so long that it is wrong?

acitez's picture
acitez

Good point, focusing so much attention from your end may lead to an understanding that he is doomed to lose this battle. I'd ease up the preaching, increase the supervision and encourage interest in other activities. Set a goal as a family to run a marathon!

My 18 year old son has become very picky about his media choices. He set some sort of filter on Youtube, and he watches Avatar and plays Wii and Poptropica. Very selective about the Manga he reads, and got a D in English, they were reading The Great Gatsby.

I'd be more concerned about the problem you KNOW he is having. He lies to you. That's bad.