tintorsmom's picture
tintorsmom

Help! 15 yr old daughter's bf having baby with ex

I am in desperate need of some advice.  I'm so torn about this, that I'm having a very difficult time even being comfortable talking about this with my friends and family.  I am nearly 31 years old and have a 15 year old daughter.  I had her when I was 15.5.  I've never been married, and it's basically been me and her on our own.  My daughter starting talking to this boy online about 5 months ago.  They talked and talked all the time, even through times where she's had another boyfriend, he's been there for her.  They live 40 miles apart.  She had been really scared to let any sort of a relationship start with him because he is 17 and has enlisted in the army.  She didn't want to get involved, and then have him leave in July.  So, two strikes so far against them....the distance, and the fact that he is leaving in July.  They officially became a couple several weeks ago.  This kid is great.  I think he's a sweetheart, he treats my daughter very well, and they both get a long very well.  I'm so happy for them.  I've been extremely sad for them though knowing that he's leaving in July, so I've done what I can do when I can do it to make it possible for them to see each other.  Driving the 40 mile trips every weekend for them to see each other. 

Last Saturday, while he was at our house, he received a call from his mother.  His ex-girlfriend found out that she was pregnant, and it is his child.  She is six months pregnant.  He told my daughter that they thought she was pregnant six months ago, but that the ex told him that she miscarried.  He even went so far as to show my daughter email communication that the ex did in fact tell him that she had miscarried and they didn't have to worry anymore. 

My daughter is having a difficult time with it.  Her boyfriend says he can't be 100% sure that it is his baby because the reason they broke up was because she cheated on him with his best friend.  My daughter says that she wants to wait out the 3 months, see if it is in fact his baby with a paternity test, and then see how she feels about it then.

However, I have no idea how I am supposed to feel about this.  My daughter is 15 years old.  I know what it is like to be that young and having a baby, so I want to be supportive of this kid.  He says that he's in love with my daughter, that he will always be, and that he doesn't want to lose her because of this baby.  Should I be putting a stop to this relationship?  I'm torn because I love my daughter very much, she thinks she's in love with this kid.  Remember when you were that age, no one could tell you you weren't in love.  I just don't know what to do.  I don't want to be the one responsible for breaking them up because I have issue with this.  Should I be having issue with this?  Is this just one too many red flags?  Am I a bad mother to even consider letting them still date?  I have no idea what to do.  I can't even tell my best friend that my daughter's boyfriend is having a baby with his ex.  What do I do?



j1804's picture
j1804

Wow!  This is a lot to deal with. My daughter isn't in her teen years yet, but I can remember being a teenager myself.  I think that you are doing the right thing by being supportive.  I think that if you tell her not to see him that is going to cause a huge problem.  Your daughter is obviously stressed and going through a lot with this news, and I think that she needs you to be supportive right now.  She will be more stressed if you add in your two cents of disapproval.  I think you need to be honest with her about your feelings, but you need to let her know that you will support her through this.  She needs to figure this out on her own, with your guidance of course. Good luck with everything. Just keep an open line of communication with your daughter.  The more you show her you will listen and not judge the situation, the more she will tell you.

gail Hanson's picture
gail Hanson

Nobody can tell you you aren't in love at any age.  But at 25 you are  both better able to take care of yourself and a little more experienced at evaluating people.   

Do you want to be "supportive of this kid" in that you want him to become a responsible man who has good character, or that you want him to get away with bad behavior and always get what he wants and the heck with everybody else's pain?

You sound like a loving mother, but sometimes loving mothers also have to be tough.  Hang in with your daughter.  Her well-being (not her feelings) have to be your main concern.

Cybermom's picture
Cybermom

I honestly understand your delima here. My daughter is 16 and I know exactly how you would feel. Being a single mom (are you?) does not help either because you don't have the "other" person to play the "bad guy" or to be supportive of you in a "united we stand" sort of way.

Although he is sweet, the first concern is that this kid has already had sexual relations and what that means is that the chances you daughter will have it with him is really high.

Then, there is this other girlfriend that may be or may not be pregnant.

You really did not want this to start like this for your daughter, did you? Your only saving grace is that he will have to leave being in the service. Unfortunately, that won't solve the problems here.

Yes, you feel that telling any negative thoughts you have about the situation will be seen as a negative through your daughters eyes, but you do have let her know how you value her and what kind of relationships she has. It really does start early these days.

Kids this age really feel as though they know a lot, and it's hard to tell them any different without them reacting towards you, the problem is that you need to express what you want for her. This sweet kid that she is seeing is too young to do the right thing too. I would offer support, but still let them know that you don't want her to be involved so early in sex or in a relationship that may be too stressful for her.

 

momofteens's picture
momofteens

I too remember, what it was like being young and in love. I thought no one understood what I felt, now as an adult and the mother of three. I know my mother's wisdom and the heartache I could have prevented if only I had listened. One of the roles of a parent is to protect our children, even though we can't do so from everything. Learning from our own mistakes, so our children will not repeat them. Do you want your daughter to start off her life in the middle of "baby drama,"? She is only 15, loves will come and go. Broken hearts can mend over time. She will never be 15 again. She shouldn't be dealing with adult issues so soon in her life,at this stage in her development she is not mentally ready or capable to handle stressful issues of sex and relationships.
Help her to emerge into happy, healthy young adult who is strong enough to make the best choices for her life.