Has my life been wasted?
I am a waste of youthful potential. While I have the ability to be something great, I have chosen to throw it all away. Rather than become the man I could be I have chosen to hide in useless means of escape. Was I truly afraid of shouldering my responsibility as a human and as a member of society or could it be that I caved under the weight of my own expectations.?
Ever since I was little I expected myself to perform better, I tried with all my might but no matter what it was I was never “the best”. I could be good, maybe ever great, at what I did, and I did a bit of everything, but there was no niche that was mine. No matter what I tried, how hard I worked, there was always someone better. I realize now that is part of life, a constantly evolving sequence of events and characters, and that I should have never surrendered at any turn. It could have been that I never found something truly worthwhile, yet there was always a feeling of power in working toward a goal. This power was awesome in the truest meaning of the word, uplifting, charging, and serene, yet terrifying. Here was the power of change, the chance to make a difference, a power I have yet to taste yet yearn for.
I am a coward for the way I have lived my life. For the beginning of my life I treated others with great respect and charisma, although lately I couldn’t care less for others. Why should I? After all I have been through; the teasing, the bullying, the horror of going to school day after day. Even still I went to school every day, month after month, year after year…with a smile. I question this act now. Am I sadistic? I highly doubt it at my level of ignorance. Anyways, with that smile on my face I lied to my parents, yes I had friends, no there weren’t any problems, I love you too. Why did I do this… because that pain was mine, not for anyone else to share or ease my burden. What could they have done except for share in my misery? Don’t let your loved ones suffer as so, it is a horrible fate to be alone like that. I am a coward for not standing up for myself, for not believing that I was worth protecting. I am also a coward at not working harder to make myself into a person I could respect, if you cannot face yourself in the mirror you have not tried hard enough.
I have digressed from my main objective. I am not complaining about my life, this is how I have chosen to live it. I have many regrets, that is why I am writing, I don’t want anyone following this same pattern. Find that something that is important to you and go for it, be the best, become it, or die trying. It is there that you find that power and inspiration. For those who are reading this and are young enough to change and mature enough to be inspired, I charge you with this knowledge and challenge you to become better. For those who are too old or unwilling to change, I charge you with this knowledge and demand you to inspire another. Please, become something, become useful, fulfill your dreams, and do not waste a second of your life, it is far too precious a thing.