mtutor's picture
mtutor

hard time trusting my 16 year old.

Hello,
I am a new member to the message boards but I am a long time lurker. I decided to post this in order to see if I can get some help with my trust issues with my oldest daughter.

First some background on me and my family.

I am a single father of three teenagers, two daughters one 16 years old, and the other 13, and a 14 year old boy. We live in a small community population of just under 300. my kids have always been good kids, I have always been lucky in that they haven’t given me any real problems.

 A week or so ago, I caught my oldest sneaking out of he house to see her boyfriend, She swears that she is still a virgin, and nothing happened other then they went driving around with two other people in a car that she wasn’t sure if either of the other people were the owners of it.. Of course the argument afterwards wasn’t pretty.

This is my problem.

I am not seeing anyone currently, romantically or otherwise and therefore have no one I can talk to except a neighbor. She said I need to loosen my reigns on her a little, that I am very over bearing. And I accepted this, and have done as she suggests and everything seems to be working out great, but I am scared.

She asked if she could stay the night at one of her friend’s house this upcoming weekend. And I said yes (this is something that had been set up during the summer). But I just can’t get passed my trusting problems with her.

Am I doing the right thing by letting her go to her friends?
Should I give her my trust now, and hope that she has learned her lesson and if she does something again. What should I do?

Am I setting up my self for a major disappointment? I don’t want my other two kids to look at this as a weakness in me, and that they can do as they please. I did discipline her I restricted her to the house for a while. But am still going to let her go see her friend. What else can I do, we have talks now, each night, we talk about what happened during the day, I know that a teen girl has more stress on her then a boy and I want to help her.

Can someone point me in the right direction?

Matt

 



momofone's picture
momofone

As long as you disciplined her for the past event and she served her punishment without too much grief, I would let her go. The best thing for you to do is to give her another chance but let her know there will be a consequences to her actions if she messes up with her friends. It helps if you can be specific about the consequence before she goes, such as telling her she will miss the next big event (like Homecoming, etc) if she gets in trouble while at her friends. Make sure the consequence is realistic and that you follow through no matter how much it hurts them (and you). But also reward them for good behavior. If she gets through the weekend without getting into trouble, then allow her to invite a friend to the movies the following weekend or take her shopping or whatever is within your bounds. As disappointing as it is, teenagers will be sneaky and they are going to lie to you. If you are prepared for it and have told her in advance of the consequences, it wll be a lot easier to dole out the punishment without a long, drawn out argument (I wish I could say that always worked. :) ) This is a tough age with a boy or girl and I think I had knots in my stomach every time my son left the house for a year and a half. But you get through it. You may have an easier time with the next two if you are consistent and follow through. 

I think the best advice I can give you is to keep the lines of communication open at all times. You will argue terribly at times and they will want nothing but to get away from you, which is okay. Give them time to blow off steam but go talk to them calmly after a half hour or so. I refused to ever let my son hide behind a locked door if he was angry and we always resolved the issue before either of us went to bed. Good luck! I hope this helps.

P.S. Be prepared to get very little sleep over the next few years. You will always have one ear to the door, one eye to the clock and one hand on the phone. :)

janessia arrowood 's picture
janessia arrowood

i think you should trust her more i'm 16 and my mom does not trust me at all i can't hang out with my friends that i wish to i can't go no were i wish she would trust me more i'm not like other girls i'm a vergin and i'm proud of itbut i have a boyfriend that she don't know about for 3 years and it's been great but he knows that i can't do any thing until we are married i don't believe in pre married sex i think she will do the right thing

 

janessia

Cybermom's picture
Cybermom

I have a sixteen year old as well, and I can tell you that this will not be the only time she will test things. This is that time were (if you remember your teenage years at all) the world opens up to all sorts of thing and you start imagining the worst case senerio because you really get this, right?

First, know that this will not be the last thing that you will find her pushing. Kids will push their boundries at this age and it's normal. Tell yourself to be prepared because it is under the radar of "normal". Second, just because it is normal does not mean there are not consequences either. So, you have already started that.  Keeping the lines of communication open is good, but know she is not going to want to confide in you everything and sometimes will have to know some things about what she is up to and decide whether you should bring it up, or not. Reason is that sometimes you have to give her just a little room to make mistakes, so pick your battles with this. If she makes a mistake, it is good for her to know that she can come to you.

What is so scary about this age is that now you do not have as much control to what she does, and if you over control her, that won't work either. Be consistant and give room in increments. Such as: you can go to the movies on a school night, but you must be home by 9:30 and no later. Get to know the kids she hangs out with and make your home easy for them to come to. Then, you will not only know more about your daughter, but create good relationships with the other kids too.

Some of my daughters friends come on a regular basis and so their favorite soda, and snacks are there for them in the cupboard. This opens a welcoming environment for your daughter and her friends and some of them are very wonderful people. Boys included. It also gives me a little insight to "who is who" and what kind of events I want my daughter involved in with "who".

Good luck, sixteen is tough.