Desperately Seeking Help: 16 yr old dghtr gone bad
I have been reading the message boards trying to find a resolution or insight into my problem with my 16 yr old daughter, but mine is a lot different than the rest. Up until 7 months ago, I thought my daughter and I had the perfect relationship. In May, I caught her on MY SPACE. I only had 2 rules in my house: no calls past 9:30pm & no MY SPACE. She was actually breaking both at the same time. When I punished her for breaking these rulse, she revealed to me that she found out through a family aquaintance that I had an abortion after having her younger brother (age 14). I NEVER wanted them to find out. She was hurt that I never shared with her and told me she didnt respect me as a result. I thought we moved past that issue and continued to think that despite breaking my only 2 (minor) rules that she was the perfect daughter; a home body, helped me around the house/grocery store, loving, well mannered, etc. UNTIL, September 19!!! I receive a phone call @ 5:19am from her telling me that I was going to be mad--- I thought she was in her bed w/ a friend asleep. She and the friend snuck out to go to a party, drake alcohol, her boyfriend got soooo drunk that she stole my 2 wk old vehicle to drive him home; she doesnt even have a permit. That weekend & into the rest of the week, I have learned that she had continued the MySpace account, has stolen from the mall, been buying Attarol & pain pills from people at school, and sexually active with the boyfriend for well over 2 months (at that time). He had been stealing his step sister's car to drive over to MY house after I went to bed!!! I have to say that I have not been dealing well with punishing her and have, at times, gone above the extreme. I yelled at her calling her aweful names, used cussed words (which I never do!!) and threw her across her bed to spank her, drove her to her father's house & yelled even more hateful things to her the whole way there. She didnt stay & he never knew we were there. There is NO excuse for my reaction, but here is the background behind: I had her when I was 16yrs old and to find out that she was heading down the same (regretful) road that I went down-- KILLED me!!! I have been very open with both of my children (brother is 14) about having them so young & tried to instill in them that to better the future, they had to put school above the opposite sex, no premarital sex, etc. I sooo much want a better life for both of my children. Her father (too much credit-- sperm donor) was not in the picture-- only time she saw him was on Christmas Eve every year. She didnt stay when I drove her out there b/c she told me that she didnt like him & that she didnt even know him. I remarried 7 yrs ago, but am presently going through a divorce; seperated in March 07. The kids said that they were ok with it. I was going to stay with him and even tried to hide our problems from my kids until my daughter asked me what was going on. I opened up to her and we both cried. I told her that she seemed so close to him (not my son-- complete opposite relationship) that I didnt want to take him away since she didnt have her own Father. She told me that it was not fair for me to make that decision w/o asking her & that they were not as close as I thought. He smothered her and tried to control her.
My punishment for her actions have been in sequences: First, I got an alarm system for my house, moved her from upstairs to a down stairs bedroom, & she was grounded until Jan 08: took away cell phone, IPod, digital camera, and turned off internet in my house. She was to eat dinner with my son & I as a family and only do things with family. NO outside communication with friends & not to see/be with that boy anymore. She and her brother obviously had too much free time, so they were required to get a job-- since I could not trust her, she had to come work with me at my job. My son, also, came to work with me. 3-4 days p/week. *** One day while we were all at work, I walked behind her to go to the bathroom and saw that she had been back on MY SPACE on the computer she was suppose to be working on. After checking the history, she had been doing it since day one. She made a comment to a friend that "if I continue to act like the perfect daughter, maybe my grounding wont last as long". I blocked MY SPACE from the computer at my work and her grounding was extended until the end of the school year. In the mean time, trying to talk to her about any of this is impossible. She has an eat crap and die look on her face and does not/will not talk about anything. The silence is what escalates my temper and causes me to yell. I somehow think that if I can yell loud enough, she will finally yell back-- which at this point would be better than silence. I thought we were moving along until, the night of her actual 16th bday. I tried to make it as special as I could for a kid in as much trouble as she was in: decorated our kitchen, got her a crown and a sash for "Sweet 16", even though it wasnt "sweet", decorated her desk at my work & had every body bring in toy Hummers as a joke, took her to dinner at her favorite restaurant & got her a cookie cake. That night I decided to do a backpack/purse check and found a huge stack of love letters from that boy!! Some of the letters indicated that they had messed around at school. I was so overcome with dispair that I did not know what I was going to do--- not to mention it was Thanksgiving weekend!!! I kept silent until that Saturday and by then, she knew I had the letters but did nothing and acted as if everything was ok!?!!? I told her that the only thing left to take away from her was TV. She was grounded to 4 walls that only had a mattress/box springs. I, also, decided over the weekend that the only way to keep her from getting pregnant/STD was to get her away from the boy. I took her that Monday to enroll in another public school. I knew it was to be expected but her attitude was horrible, still no talking, & even worse eat crap & die looks. I told her one am before school that if she didnt want to live/play by my rules that she needed to go to her Dad's b/c we needed to find a way to move forward and she had only been dragging us backwards. Of course, NO COMMENT-- nothing!!!!! She has never shown remorse, regret or anything for her actions/ behavior. Her silent treatment (wall as I call it) and the fact that she told a family member that I had "changed" b/c I didnt do anything with her resulted in me reminding her that if I've changed it's b/c she has made me loose trust & respect in her & that she continually disrespects me by her attitude and behaviors. She finally muttered in a cold way that she didnt respect me. When I asked why, she told me that she just didnt and that she would've moved to her Dad's 2 months ago, if it was not for her brother. I told her that she didnt have to worry about that anymore, turned around to go back home, & called her Dad to come get her. I stayed in my room the whole time crying my eyes out asking God, "why", while she packed ALL of ther belongings to go live with him. She has been there since 12/17/07 and it is killing me!! I've spent every day for 16 yrs loving her and living for her and he is barely a sperm donor. I have not talked to her but I send the same text message telling her that I love and miss her very much and I hope to see & talk to her soon. I've told her Dad that she must come home to be able to go back to school, but he says that she doesnt want to & he has a negative outlook as to the fact that she & I are irrepairable. I DO NOT know what to do!!! She has made one bad decision after another so I know I shouldnt let her make this one to stay with him a a po-dunk town in AR. He is not holding her accountable for any of her actions-- she has a free life with him. I'm bewildered as to how I have gotten to this spot with my daughter. Besides the fact that she is 16, if I take into consideration my history, lack of biological Father relationship, and my seperation, I know those situations have to a part of the reason, but she wont give me any clue or insight, so I do not know how to fix this!! Should I make her come home? If I do, what do I do about punishment? I have apologized for the things I've said & my rage tantrums, but how can we move past it? What do I do about school: continue with old or switch back to new? Birth control or no birth control? I am at my whitsend. I have no support from family b/c they all say that she is human, she made mistakes and that I am being too hard on her!!! I DO NOT know what to do.....please help!!!! ((Sorry so long))