MrsBar's picture

Daughter & the Bad Guy

Our 16 year old daughter has out of no where thrown us into a situation that I still have a hard time believing I/we are in. <?xml:namespace prefix =" o" ns =" "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

She had the same b/f for two years and then recently they broke up (we moved away a year and a half ago-so most of their time was apart) then recently she made the wise choice to end it and live in the time & place she is in now and not 1500 miles away. It was of course very hard on her to be so far away.

So...soon after there is "P". He invites her to homecoming and then a week before tells her he is going to take an ex girlfriend instead. She was humiliated and hurt. 1500 mile away b/f flies in and takes her to homecoming and while at the dance "P" shouts nasty comments as they pass by. Little jerk. So, she and "P" don't talk for a couple of months.
Then out of nowhere, and three "likes" later she starts talking and then seeing "P" again. He's sooo sorry and he's different/changed now. We said NO WAY. We won't tell you you can't see him but we 110% DO NOT support this and he is not welcome in our home etc.

You see, we've also learned that he is recovering (?) drug addict who spent the summer in rehab. He is from a ridiculously dysfunctional family (yes, we all are to a point) whose alcoholic dad is dying, and when she was over there to visit one day in four house neither of his parents came out to even look at them or say "Hi", they stayed in their bedroom, WHO DOES THIS?? I feel bad that this kid's dad is dying but it is drama/trauma BS that I don't need my daughter in the middle of.  So, "P"'s best friend is a 40 year old lady who "counsels" him and he stays with her from time to time. (?!) They have a tracking device on his car so they can keep tabs on him, he has what he says are "knife wounds" that look more like self-cutting, knife wounds? We are in an upper class neighborhood and school, knife fights? I highly doubt that. (Liar) He drinks and smokes "occasionally" at parties. My daughter has not even been to ONE party! Now, most of this we find out later so we agree when he requests to come over and speak with my husband and I.

He writes a letter, and he apologizes for being a jerk and says he's trying to do better, bla bla we give him credit and accept this and say, "Fine" you get another chance.

Three days later my daughter calls me at work, crying, hysterical, I can't even make out what she is saying except that she needs to come home. So I send my oldest daughter to go get her. During school "P's" ex tells one of my daughter's friends that she and "P" hooked up the night before. So, in the cafeteria my daughter asks him about it. He freaks out, throws his lunch tray in the air, yells throws his bag and takes off leaving her there scared to death and humiliated in front of the school. So, she cries for the rest of the day/night but then decides to "forgive him" b/c he is "learning how to act & deal with his anger by talking and not fighting, that he was never taught how to act". His 40 year old friend drove him over and sat in the driveway watching while they talked outside for an hour (I was unaware of this until after the fact) and this 40 year old tells my daughter she tracked his movements and he was not with the other girl, and that she could track him for my daughter if she ever needed her to...WTF??? This is messed up, right??

They next day they had plans to spend the day together and I said no way. I told her she is not allowed to see him anymore. She bawled ALL day and I am the worst mother in the Universe(I'm OK with that). She says I/we are over reacting and that she needs to make this decision on her own. And if it ever happens again, she's right.  We are surprising her with a ticket "home" for the holidays so maybe the distance with help but....(also looking for a counselor this week too)

Question number one: Am I/we over reacting?

Two, I am very aware they will keep seeing each other, so do I now have to place her on lock-down?

Three, do we agree to let them see each other but only here at our home?

I know this was LONG but I wanted to provide all the information so I can get the best advice possible. I thank-you for taking the time to read this, and in advance for any suggestions or advise. Tell me what you would do/think!

: )  Mrs. B



acitez's picture

One, I think this kind of situation is why you should prevent your child from beginning to date until they are at least 16. You aren't over-reacting now, you under-reacted two years ago.

Two. He "shouted nasty comments" in a public place, can you get a protective order? Do they attend the same school/classes? In the absence of a protective order, my daughter's father would have an uncomfortable discussion with P and his whole family, no threats, just make it clear that when somebody makes her sad, it upsets the whole family. That it would be best for all concerned to end this relationship, "you are both too young." The woman friend could be invited to this discussion, too.

Three. No.

If you blow her passion for this boy out of proportion, you set her up for drama throughout her life. She's 16. He's a teenager too. Of course she "loooooves" him. But, you "looooved" some pimply adolescent when you were her age, and you probably haven't thought of him for 15 years.
It is not her job, or within her power, to save him. He's got parents, people from rehab and the courts, and some 40 year-old woman helping him.
It is YOUR job to guide her, protect her, and teach her.

Aaron F.'s picture
Aaron F.

I can understand your point of view towards the situation as well as your daughters. You both have sort of a lack in communication of which this website has multiple pages on how to correct this difficiency. Yes it is depravation believe it or not. Your daughter is learning her own ways in life, and new studies have revieled that past the age of eight years old you really have slight chance in anything in changing how they think or act without spending load of money, time and heart-acke. She obviously will not listen to you as she is a teenager, and must find out on her own, only warn her about the dangers: buy her pepperspray and a stun-gun, which can be very inexpencive (as low as $6 each as well as they look like lipstick) and alow them to spend some good quality time together. She will after awhile realize if she actually likes him for just being anarchist or simply for who he really is. If he's trying to change because of his disadvantages in life, give him a chance. We all have done things we dont want to own up to, and at least he is. As for the "knife wounds" its very possible even if they are self-inflicted. But thats not the problem, it shows that he would rather hurt himself then other people, which is not such a bad flaw. Your a mother, you have the right to over-react to things like this. Simply give him a chance, invite him over more, let them go places that are public, and dont be so strict even if its for her own saftey. She'll thank you for that later on in life when she has children of her own. But whatever you do, do not put her on lockdown that will only increase her infatuation with him as she herself will become rebelious and "fight the powers at be" which of course are you and your husband. Even if you cant support their "union", alow it for the time being. Until he actually hurts her, physically, you have nothing to worry about. Furthermore, from what you've said above, you have no worry about him hurting her in such ways. He's abnormal in a normal world. We all have our flaws, but his get pointed out more and more. Its only human to reject those things of which we dont understand instead of trying to understand them. Take a step or two back and look at the situation from your daughters point of view then his. Then combine yours as well as those two, and make your final act from there. But remember, everything you do molds the daughter you will have for only two more years. Plz, whatever you do, dont do anything to jepordize that, or you might make a monster out of what was once an honorable person.

acitez's picture

An additional point. You already gave him another chance. If you make a habit of giving people one more chance, time after time, it is empty posturing. For the boy's benefit, you need to be firm that he HAD his chance. You were already forgiving and generous. He blew his last chance, it was his choice.