chrissymcg's picture
chrissymcg

crappy friends

This is my first post. When my teen daughter started high school three years ago she didn't know anybody at her public high school because she had gone to a private school for elementary and middle school. She quickly became friends with two girls who have known each other almost their entire lives. She considers them her best friends even though she's always been the "third wheel". I think they are often really inconsiderate towards her and don't treat her like they really value her friendship. They'll sometimes exclude her from plans or cancel plans with her at the last minute when something better comes up. They're all in sports together and the two other girls always sit with one another on the bus to and from events. Never does one of them choose to sit with her. After games they walk together to the locker room and don't wait for her. Yet she still insists they're great friends. I don't get why she puts up with it. I have to bite my tongue not to say to her, "Get a clue, they're treating you like crap". She has other friends she sometimes does things with but still clings to these two. Should I continue to keep my mouth shut about them or when she complains tell her what I really think? It makes me very sad that she doesn't see that she deserves better treatment from friends.



mayamay's picture
mayamay

Keep out of it. Having some acquaintances to spend time with is way better than walking through high school all alone. The friendship that those two have with each other is different in nature than the friendship they have extended to your daughter. Fussing about it will only diminish what she has. Why would you do that?

Do make opportunities for her to build other friendships, help her find groups/organizations that these two don't participate in. If she doesn't have the relative safety of their company, she might find better, or at least more, friends.

chrissymcg's picture
chrissymcg

Thanks for your reply. I will keep out of it as much as possible. I guess I will never understand the dynamic between the three of them. The weird thing is, my daughter does have a variety of other friends that she spends time with both in and out of school. But given a choice she'll pick the company of these two girls over other people. It could be that they're supportive towards her in ways that I don't see. I also think she has a sense of loyalty towards them which I think is good, I just hope she doesn't get really hurt at some point. But maybe that's a part of growing up and figuring out what truly close friendships look like.

jimrich's picture
jimrich

re: she's always been the "third wheel". I think they are often really inconsiderate towards her and don't treat her like they really value her friendship.

>> How do you know this? Does your kid complain about them?

re: I don't get why she puts up with it.
>> I had a few 'crappy' friends at school because they gave me things I could not get at home!

re: I have to bite my tongue not to say to her, "Get a clue, they're treating you like crap".
>> Why not?

re: She has other friends she sometimes does things with but still clings to these two.
>> They meet her needs!

re: Should I continue to keep my mouth shut about them or when she complains tell her what I really think?
>> I would!

re: It makes me very sad that she doesn't see that she deserves better treatment from friends.
>> She is getting some needs met from them that is probably missing at home! That's what makes me sad.

chrissymcg's picture
chrissymcg

Really? You have no ideal what she does or doesn't get at home. I'll tell you several things - she must be getting something positive because she's young for her grade yet is taking all advanced and AP classes and is doing well in them. Also, she's gotten awards in every sport she's been in, plus has been a team captain. Her athletic awards have been for both excellence and sportmanship, so I know we've taught her to treat others well. Oh, and she was also elected onto her school's student council; a position many kids try for but few get selected to do. But you're entitled to make judgements on our home life if it makes you feel better about yourself.

mayamay's picture
mayamay

Chrissy, Jim is auditioning for the role of troll on this site. He has a one-size-fits-all response. Just ignore him until he starts making a thoughtful contribution.

SnglDad's picture
SnglDad

I'll go along with that too Mayamay.

junieg's picture
junieg

Me too!

jimrich's picture
jimrich

junieg
SnglDad
mayamay
Ask Host Marti to add an “ignore member” button to this forum to solve your problems with other members here.
good luck,
jim

SnglDad's picture
SnglDad

Jim, you have all kinds of “advice” to solve everyone else’s problems, have you solved any of your own recently? Just curious. Good luck to you as well.

SnglDad's picture
SnglDad

Double post.