mitzy's picture
mitzy

18 year old driving me out of my house

I am living in total chaos right now and not sure what to
do.  I am in a blended family for the
last 7 years.  My spouse has 2 sons and I
have 3 girls.  Right now his 18 year old
son has manipulated, lied and now completely disrespected me to the point that
I now have completely removed myself from anything to do with him.  Problem started right from the beginning when
the boys would come home on the weekends and holidays.  They were never meant to behave since my
spouse didn’t want to reprimand them since they only stayed for short periods
of time.  This however was not the case
with my girls which lived with us full time. 

His oldest son moved in full time this year since his mother
could not handle him any longer.  His son
is extremely smart and manipulates his situations to his benefit.  When things do not go his way he tends to
become violent.  Now the biggest problem
he is having is the lack of direction which is common in teenagers.  When he first came it was very difficult
getting him to go to school.  Normally
what would happen when he would not go to school I would be the one home first
and would reprimand him by removing his video games for a short period of
time.  Now he has a girlfriend so he does
go to school everyday, he just doesn’t go to classes.  He skips his classes to spend time with the
girlfriend.  This again was reprimanded
by the removal of the phone (by me) and he was also removed from the computer
for short period of times.  Now here
comes the big issue which is tearing my family apart.  On one of the occasion where a call came in
to inform us on the number of classes being missed and the way the kids are
displaying themselves in school I informed his son that I was very disappointed
and that he obviously is not learning anything since he chooses to continue to
not go to class even though he has been reprimanded and spoken to in regards to
school.  I had then informed him that his
father would talk to him about it since now I felt it would have to be his
biological parent at this point that would be best to deal with the issue.  A few moments later I had make a phone call
and went outside on my deck.  The phone
went dead.  When I went to find out why
the phone wasn’t working I found that his son had gone and disconnected all the
phones in the house.  He had believed I
was calling his dad to inform him of the call and started ranting at me that it
was none of my business and he wanted to talk to his Father first.  This ended being a heated argument where I informed
him that he has no right dictating to me or unplugging the phones and if I were
to call his father I could since he is my spouse!  He then laughed at me and said yeah right
what relationship.  At this point I then
did want to call his Father.  I went into
my room to make the call only to have this 18 year old break my bedroom door
off its hinges and proceed to rant and rave at me in my room.  When I told him to leave he would not.  I had his father on the phone with me who I
then gave the phone to his son.  After
this his son did leave me alone for the rest of the day.   After
this argument I was furious with the disrespect and removed myself completely
from his Son.  The computer in the house
is mine so I had removed his user and told him he is not to touch anything that
is mine.  I believe this is right as a
stand for respect.  When someone does not
respect you and tries to manipulate you why would you have any involvement with
that person?  Then the next day his son
went to his mothers for the weekend.  
When his son came back again I had him ranting and raving at me again
since his girlfriend had called and I had asked to speak to her mother since it
was my understanding that both where removed from the phones for a period of
time because of their actions.  This
again resulted in him ranting and calling his Dad who stated just let him use
the phone.  I feel as if I am being
played to the point where his son has manipulated to his benefit since now I
won’t deal with him.  It is hell living
in the same house as him.  I refuse an
apology since it would not be sincere and wasn’t given one anyways.  He is continuing to skip school and all his
father will do is talk with him about it. 
His father feels all he can do is coach him to make the right
decisions.  I am still furious he will
not reprimand him for any of his actions. 
His father feels the fact that I removed his computer is sufficient and
the fact that he can not use the phone for awhile is sufficient also.  His son had thrown the phone across the room
and put a whole in a door one day when he couldn’t call out.  The phone was removed prior to the outburst
with me.  He was not reprimanded at all
by his father for this.  His father got
mad at him talking to him about it and feels this is sufficient.  His father will not remove his video games or
television or anything since he feels it would make him angrier and that won’t
solve anything.  This leaves me in a position
where I feel his son got what he wants since he continues to do as he pleases
and knows he can.  His father states he
is a good kid doesn’t do drugs, or drink. 
He gets good grades even without going to class which the school even says
is remarkable.  He is very
intelligent.  It is now so “he skips
school big deal” could be worse.  I am supposed
to be the bigger person and get over it. 
I am furious and don’t know how to get over it.  I expect some type of reprimand for his
behaviour to me which isn’t coming. 
Because of the arguing now I am told I have a decision to make and can
leave if I want!  I don’t know how to
deal with this anymore and advice would be greatly appreciated.  Am I wrong in my feelings.  School has been the biggest battle with his
Son.  He is almost a year behind because
of his continual disregard.

Thank you for any insight.



cccindy3's picture
cccindy3

I'm not an expert, but one thing that is really important in disciplining children is to stand together with your spouse as a united front. You both need to agree to the punishment and it has to fit the crime. Since this is a step-son, the punishment needs to come from his father.  But it sounds to me at this point your family is in serious need of family counseling. It might help to get these issues out in the open and try to resolve them.

motherof2's picture
motherof2

I do feel your pain. However, your husband has got to be more strict with him.... there's is no way that you will survive your sanity and your marriage without his support.  His father is totally inappropriate ignoring the situation and has total disrespect for you by doing nothing. His dad needs to get over the guilt of whatever happened and take this situation by the horns and take care of it - Immediately!!!  I would definitely seek counseling - this is totally out of control and not to mention what it's doing to your children.  Since he's 18 - You may want to check with your local authorities as to what your legal rights are - you may be able to get him on aggressive behavior and get him removed from the house.  This has got to be the situation of TOUGH LOVE!  Your children and sanity come first; you need to get them out of there because it will destory you all.  If your husband isn't willing to seek counseling; then you may have to rethink this whole situation - no matter how devastating - Seek Counseling.  He also may have a learing disability that has not been diagnoised - If you have to go to the school board members - inform the principal of what's happening...I'm sure this school has the information their website as to who is the person in charge of your district.  Good Luck!

webwaif's picture
webwaif

I do not have any advice for you because I am in a very similar situation. I have been with my 18 year old's father for 15 years as an unmarried couple. I have no children of my own. He has 4 sons & 2 daughters. Just the 18 year old is living with us. He has been a problem since the age of 5. His father is incapable of disciplining him and because of this, the son literally does whatever he pleases, whenever he wants knowing there will never be any consequence for his actions. I am well educated and was raised by parents who felt that you worked for the things you wanted, you respect your elders and you do not ever lie, steal or violate the basic rules of privacy. I learned a long time ago that if I tried to discipline this boy, I would be on my own & more than likely would end up being portrayed as the "bad guy" because his father is ridden with guilt about the break up of his marriage to the boys mother. He is afraid he will lose him if he says "no". I try to keep myself removed from all of it but there are times when the son gets into my personal property, and then I usually have to literally hide, lock up or remove whatever it is he has decided he wants to use. He has stolen, broken and destroyed many of my things. Some valuable. But he has never been made to replace these items or even to apologize to me. At this point I am ready to leave because now the son has decided to let his girlfriend and best friend move into our house. He never asked us if it was ok and the 3 of them have eaten everything in the house. They contribute nothing and they never clean up after themselves. I've had enough and I know I will never have peace with this situation. Even though I love his father I cannot allow my life to be destroyed because he is too weak to stand up to his son. I feel sorry for both of them but I see nothing but trouble and chaos and frustration here. Hope you find help before its too late.

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

Get out while you can. This situation can and probably will get worse. Do not remain in this chaotic and potentially harmful situation.

webwaif's picture
webwaif

I would like to hear from Mitzy on her situation. Like an update. I had to chuckle a little after reading my initial response to Mitzy, because that saying, "If Things Can Get Worse, They Will".

Today my 18 year old decided to take the disrespect a step up and started to challenge me physically. In my own bedroom. We had started arguing about the eviction process and next thing I know we are screaming at each other, saying some very hurtful things. He is well over 6' tall & 150 lbs and I am 5'4" & 110 lbs. When it looked like we were both ready to lose control I walked away. I was so angry I was shaking all over and could not stop.

Of course there was no resolve from his father and the entire scene was, and never will be addressed. So, yeah, when you think you have it so horribly bad, and that you are all alone in it, just remember that there is always gonna be someone out there who's situation is way worse!! LOL !!

Hope to hear from you Mitzy!