Cybermom's picture
Cybermom

16 yr old stuck on old boyfriend

My sixteen year old daughter is stuck on an old boyfriend. First, they have had sexual relations previously. This was her first. They break up and get back together. I don't think he very good to her either. He makes attempts, then he does something weird and she reacts, then they are apart but never completely severs the relationship.

I have talked to her and him. I have tried to let it play out and keep a close distance to the situation. I have also put my foot down, but that does not work either. I have done everything including explaining to her that being with him stresses her out even more and it's time to let it go. Nothing seems to make it better. I am worried about her self esteem and how this will influence her outlook on boys/men too. He does this "I will do anything for you" kind of thing and does until they are together, then he does strange things like breaking up on Myspace portfolio and tells her he likes other girls. I know they are young, but I see what he does (I see more detail) as minupaltive and too intense.

HELP.



gail Hanson's picture
gail Hanson

I would make an appointment with the High School psychologist.  I know there is a lot of information about these controlling relationships, and I bet the high school has some useful stuff.

chitchat22's picture
chitchat22

My daughter is 15 and her ex boyfriend is 17. She asked if she could go out with him in May. I thought that he was to old being he drives. My husband and I agreed to let her see him because they would probably sneak around anyway. We gave her the whole sex talk and the one screw up and there done rule. I later found out threw a text message on her phone that they have had a sexually relationship. I am not sure to what extend but things have been done. I told her they needed to seperate because things were moving to fast and she was to young for this type of relationship. He is older and more experienced. She told him that I found out about what they have done and wanted them to seperate. He said he understood and would back off, this was in July. At the same time a girl he used to date IM"d her and said he cheated on her while on vacation. this made me furious as she gave up her values and morals for a jerk. I thought they were done but now five months later they they are still talking. She has changed so much and I am scared. I have spoke with the boy and asked him to please stop calling, texting, and being the charmer he is. He still won't quit. I have explained to her that the more she talks to him the harder it will be to heal. We have had so many fights over this and all she says is I love him. Her friends have all walked away from her because they say she has changed and is always in a zone because of him. I think because of their sexual relation she can't seem to get over those emotions. She keeps lying about talking to him and then I get the phone bill and they have never stopped. I have had panic attacks over this. I have explained that first heart breaks are hard but she deserves to be free and happy. She can't get over him and he won't let her. he talks to so many girls and is a huge flirt, but she doesn't see it. he did have a girlfriend after they broke up and he was still saying he loved her while dating this other girl. That shows he has no respect. she doesn't believe the cheating and says so what even if he did people change. I just recently got into a screaming match with him because he sees what a mess her life is right now. If he really loved her he would let go and let her get herself back on track. he is out having the time of his life, meanwhile my daughter is alone. She has tried to apologize to her friends but they are sick of it and doesn't believe she is over him. I do realize these girls really aren't her friends anyway because you don't walk away when a person needs you the most. She has made several attemps to talk it out but they were always to busy. She never blew them off for him but I do agree she changed, because I see it. these girls have been friends since they were 5 and now they say they hate her. Please help me I feel as though she is blinded by this.

gail Hanson's picture
gail Hanson

These teen-age heartbreaks are as hard on a person as a divorce, maybe even harder because of the age.  How would you feel about you all  getting  family therapy--her, you & her dad?  These things are almost as hard as a death.

chitchat22's picture
chitchat22

I asked her how she would feel about it and in her teenage tone it was I'm not going. I am trying to deal one minute at a time and at this moment she seems to be ACTING fine but I know it's hard. Just tonight she removed her ex-best friends from myspace because that is the first step to moving on from them. She instantly got an IM from a friend with a message from these girls. They said why would you take us off we don't like you and your immature. I thought it was the right thing to do. She replied back by saying why do you care and even want to know about things I am doing. they must of been checking her page. She then told her friend if they want to send another message they know her phone number but that was the end of it. It's alot to deal with the ex boyfriend and the ex-friends. I might add I have been especially close to these girls since they were five. I have taken them on vacation many times and have been a shoulder so it's hard for me to. I am friends with both girls parents and they pretty much know everything. I told them as mean as it sounds I am done with the girls. We promised it will not affect our friendship. I loved these girls and they hurt me as this is not the first time they all turned their backs on my daughter. I really think that she should find other friends because their friendship is to risky. I told my daughter to stick up for herself if need be but not to trash them to anybody because there is so much history, they are trashing her though and I feel ANGRY .

swiftfoot's picture
swiftfoot

You need to teach your daughter that she's in charge of how a boy treats her.  As long as she allows him to mistreat her, she's encouraging him to continue, AND she's getting better at being abused.  Teenagers are learning how to conduct relationships--and they need to set  guidelines for what they are willing to accept of  themselves and their partners.  

When this boy is mistreating your daughter, she has three choices:

  1. Request better treatment
  2. Teach the boy how to provide better treatmentt (by holding him accountable for changing his behaviors)
  3. Get rid of him

As you've pointed out, you have limited control over your daughter.  She knows that.  Now, she needs to know that she has limited control over her boyfriend:  she needs to be the one to decide that she's ready to be treated better.

I hope this helps.