heelz1's picture
heelz1

16 yr old Step-Daughter is out of control

Wow, I don't even know how to keep this short and to the point, but I will do my best. I am the step-father to (2) girls, one is 16 the other is 13. The 16 year old is the one with major issues, the 13 year old acts just fine. I've been in their life for 8 years now and the older child has always shown flashes of having anger management issues. Even when she was 8 years old, she would slam doors, yell at her mom, etc. Throughout the years it has just gotten worse, she's been caught at school with weed, been in fights, got pregnant last year, and she's always been disrespectful to her mom, grand parents and myself. I've tried to play a role in her life, but she's never respected me and she's always playing the "you're not my daddy" card. Speaking of her dad, he's actually got a restraining order against him for assaulting the girl, but she STILL, to this day she worships the ground he walks on and she will do anything to hurt her mother and myself, the 2 people that have cared for her, it's very frustrating. Well, recently, things have gotten violent between the girl and her mother, since she got her driver's license and started dating a new boy, she's lied, broken curview and has just been out of control. There's also speculation that this new guy is abusing her, his mom actually told us that, so all parties decided that it would be best if we just limit their time together. Finally, my wife just took the keys away and grounded her, but that just doesn't work, she walks out of the house, curses at her, etc. Last week, things just got REALLY out of control, the girl started throwing things, yelling and my wife called the police. They came and talked to her. Last night, same thing, called the police, they came and calmed the situation, but I can't have the police at my house every night because they are not solving the problem. We have had her in counceling NUMEROUS times and it's a joke, she doesn't take it seriously. I really believe that she has some sort of mental problems and I would love to get her evaluated, but I don't know how to get that done, who to go to? I mean, it has gotten so bad. I'm the step-dad and I feel like I can't get involved at all, in the past I have tried to talk to her calmly and she will just not listen to me. Last night, my wife told me that the girl told the boyfiend's mom that I have abused her and choked her, that absolutely broke my heart because NOT ONCE have I ever laid a hand on her. She is trying to break our family up with lies and her violent behavior and I just don't know what else to do. I seriously belive that she needs to be sent away for an evaluation, to get away from these other kids that are bad influences, but I don't know how to get that accomplished and the police are absolutely no help, at least here in my town. I am so sorry that this is so long and that I rambled, but my heart is just broken in two right now.



2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

Has she seen a psychiatrist when in therapy? If so, what is her diagnosis?

heelz1's picture
heelz1

No, she has just seen a councelor and they ruled out A.D.D., but that's about it.

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

Your stepdaughter needs to be seen and evaluated immediately by a psychiatrist who is a specialist in dealing with adolescents. These are very serious behaviors which must be addressed before something even more devastating happens to you or your family that cannot be repaired.

I have personal and professional experiance with what you are going through. Professionally, working for many years with children with emotional and behavioral issues such as you describe, and personally (unfortunately prior to that) with 3 ex-stepdaughters who tore my marriage and family apart. The eldest has Borderline Personality Disorder, and ended up accusing my son of touching her inappropriately, which was the final straw for me. She recanted after the breakup of my marriage, having achieved her goal. Believe me, I feel your pain.

Please get your stepdaughter and family the help you all need before it is too late. Don't expect the police to help you, they are not trained in solving these severe problems. This girl need serious psychiatric intervention for all of your sakes. The 13 y/o will be negatively affected by all of this chaos, as my daughter and son were. This is a very painful situation and requires you and your wife to take action now.

heelz1's picture
heelz1

Thank you for the response, I agree with everything you wrote. My wife took the 16 YR old to her primary care Dr. on Monday for another issue and while they were there, she showed the Dr. the marks on her wrist and the Dr. recommended a psychiatrist in order to get her evaluated. Well, my wife calls the psychiatrist and they gave her the run around, they told her that they didn't evaluate the patients, they just treat them, which sounded absurd to me. We just don't know how to approach this situation. We are looking for help, we just don't know how to go about getting it. I guess we will check with our insurance and start calling psychiatrists.

As far as the 13 yr old, I am trying so hard to keep her away from all the madness. When my wife and the 16 yr old start to fight, I grab the youngest and we go for a ride, shopping, putt putt, anything to get out of the house until things calm down. She's never been at the house when the police came over, I've always taken her out of there. I know all this will still affect her, I'm just trying to do all I can to lessen the impact.

sarahinnc's picture
sarahinnc

you can contact the local metal health they can help you get where you need to ,to get some help .or a trusted family doctor i know some of what you are through my niece has had some of the same issues my sister has sat and cried over it alot but to be honest their is a time when you have got to say i have done what i can and you just have to step back and be their when the great fall comes because it will i know this for a fact i was that girl when i was young i worshiped a worthless dad ,went out drinking ,had boy friends older than me ,got pregnant when i was 16 gave birth to a wonderful boy that my mother had to raise because i was not mature enough to do it .trust me they do need family again but at this time she does not feel like she needs you .my sister has a 17 yr old who will be giving birth any day to a 32 yr old mans child she has moved out to live with this man the law does nothing she has chosen to to be their for her daughter but to step back some she has other children in the home and its not fair to them just like all this is not right to the child left in your home it is not easy to do this but with all you say i really believe you and your wife need to step back and just tell her if she is going to choose this life then she will do it somewhere else that is what my mom did and yes i tried it after being sent somewhere else it took me 1 yr and half to figure out i was going no where fast i came home got my life together finished school ,and have a wonderful daughter and i also now have a good relationship with my son it will not be easy but it seems you have no choice this home is not stable for the other child .tough love is one of the hardest things you will ever do but it is also one of the only choices some families can make good luck no matter what let her know you love her but will not allow her to live at home doing this ..as for taking the other child out so she will be out of it when it starts my sister was done the same way and to this day she can tell me everytime i fliped out this child is still feeling the impact of all this whether she is out of ear and eye range of it i want to say you are wonderful for being there for them all but i must be honest it is hard to help a child who doesnt want help and seeing someone for help will have a 50% chance of helping it is worth a try but just know it may not help until she is ready to be helped .

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

Call your local Department of Child Mental Health, tell them how severe the situation has become and all your concerns. If no quick results, then look up child psychiatrists or call psychiatrists and ask if they evaluate patients your stepdaughter's age. It can be difficult to find one who does evaluations but be persistant. Good luck!

heelz1's picture
heelz1

FINALLY, I believe we are on the right track, my wife got the number of a child/adolecent psychiatrist today, she's making the phone call to set up an evaluation. I have my fingers crossed.

Just to comment on "stepping back" and letting her make these mistakes. BELIEVE ME, this was what I wanted to do, I told my wife that we had done just about all we can do, there comes a point in time when you have to just let go and let them realize that they are making a huge mistake, BUT her actions in the last couple weeks have led me to believe that she may have mental health issues and I don't believe abandoning her at this point would be a good idea. Her mother will NEVER go for that idea anyway, maybe that method is easier for me because it's not my child, I don't know. I just know that I was brought up in a good home and all of this (having the cops at my house every week) just embarrasses me. My mom would die if she knew what was going on in my home, the fact that the girl was telling people I was abusing her? Wow, my family would be really upset at that accusation after everything I've done for that child. Boy, I just want things to get better. My best friend told me the other day, "buddy, you are a Saint to have put up with all this, I just don't know many men that would stick around". That made me feel good because I've never even considered leaving my wife over this.

As crazy as all this sounds, it has made me feel better just writing all this on this message board because there's not many people I can talk to about it.

sarahinnc's picture
sarahinnc

it is wonderful you are there still and trying so hard for your family ,if there is mental issues by far i would stick with her i just meant if it isnt that you may have to still be there for her but let go some i would never say just abandon her letting go some does not mean you are doing that it just gives you the right to say not in my home i will not allow you to wreck this home with your actions and just completely forget everyone else feelings i do wish you and your family the best of luck you really sound like a wonderful dad !!!!!

heelz1's picture
heelz1

Thanks for all the kind words.

Her appointment is Monday at 2:00 PM, we'll see what happens.

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

Very glad to hear you got such a timely appointment. Let us know how it goes.

In the meantime, look up Conduct Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. These are worst case scenarios, based on the info you have given, but will give you some insight into what you may be dealing with.

Be prepared for your stepdaughter to be less than cooperative with the prescribed course of action, which will likely include meds, therapy and seeing the doctor regularly. Mine was very uncooperative, treated the therapy as a big joke and either refused, abused or sold her meds. I sincerely hope your stepdaughter will get with the program and your situation does improve.

You are to be commended for your positive role in this very negative situation. Best of luck at the appointment and best wishes for success for you and your family.