C1962's picture
C1962

15yr girl dates 18 yr old boy

My daughter started dating a 17 yr old senior last September.  He is a nice boy, doesn't drink, smoke or take drugs.  He treats her special. 

The more my husband has been able to know him he seems to be very inmature for his age.  He has a 16-20 hr job and when he isn't there he is at our house mostly 12 1/2 hours a day.  He turned 18 this month.  He tends to have to be with my daughter all the time.  To the point, he comes in and wakes her up, makes her breakfast, makes sure she brushes her teeth, combs her hair and gets her medication out for her.   This is when I am at work.   If he has to go do an errands, he will pass the places and come and ask to take my daughter with him to do the errands.  I will ask why didn't you do them on your way by.  He said, "I wanted to get here." It is like every minute he needs to be with my daughter.  We had to talk with her about this happening all the time. She told him that we don't want him around all the time.  The other night I told him no earlier then 10AM.  He said, can I stay an extra hour.  I said no.  He then, stood their with this look.  Turned around, slammed my house door and speed off in the car.  

My husband and I feel that he is consuming all her time.  She doesn't see her friends.  They do see his friends.  We  have to make plans, like we did this past weekend to visit her older sister.  We stayed a long time to the point that to make sure he wouldn't be able to come over.  We have plans to take her to a fair this weekend and to a day concert in a few weeks.  We have not included him in these plans.  I feel that this relationship is really controlling her.  I am lost, never had to deal with a boy that was like this.  My oldest daughter didn't care for boys until she was about 17. 

Any suggestions? 



charliesmush's picture
charliesmush

Who's house is it?  Who's daughter is it?  Who's the parent?!  Take control and make some rules that you want before he ruins her life....and yours!  I'm not just saying this without any experience....I too have a 15 yr old daughter who's dating a 18 yr old boy (19 in one month).  I know... it's scary!  They are both a little immature and he's not what we would choose for our daughter. However, we've taken it one day at a time, set some rules....and they seem to be doing fine. Talk to your daughter and try to be fair.  But don't let either of them walk all over  you! Remind them who's the boss!  Good Luck!

ck10's picture
ck10

I agree with the person above, you should sit them down and set some ground rules about things like curfew and how often he can be at your house. But before that, try to talk to your daughter, let her know how you feel, and hear her out! Try not to seem too angry or fussy when you talk to her, tell her that you are worried. I suggest talking to his parents about it and tell them the rules you have set for them.

Cristi555's picture
Cristi555

I agree as well! You have to be the parent. You have to discuss with her what her plans are with her life. If she is just living day to day, then set strict rules. You want her to take responsibility for her choices, it's a big part of growing up. If she is not doing that, then it is up to you to do the choosing for her. She'll start to make better decisions just to prove herself to you.

C1962's picture
C1962

Thank you, both my husband and I feel the same way.  I did have the weekend to talk to our daughter. Actually, we did family things all weekend.  It was nice and we enjoyed it all.   I told her that I liked her boyfriend but, I don't like that he is always at the house. That he is a college student and during the summer he should be working a 40 hour week job.    I told her that he needs to date her proper, meaning he can pick her up and do things and then return her and say goodnight.  I told her that it isn't fair for her to stop seeing her friends.  I also told her that she needs to plan things with her friends due to the fact if this relationship doesn't last her friends might not be there when she wants them.  I told her that I see a big differance in her when she is with him.   When she is with us, we see a very mature young lady, when he is around it is like all that disappears.  She is scared that he will break up with her if he is made to date her proper.   I told her that she needed to speak to him. She said, why don't you?  I told her that it should come from her first as he has a hard time listening to her.  Then, if it continued I would get involved. 

He came to the house today.  I waited for a call at work to see what they were going to do.  My daughter called, said what can we do that don't require money.  I told her the library is open, they can pack a lunch and go for a walk on some of the nature trails our town has.  I could hear her boyfriend in the background saying he didn't have any money.    About an hour later, he calls me and says we decided what we are going to do.  He said, we are going to the library, then going to Friendly's for dinner and then to the movies to see Ratatouille.  I said fine.  I asked what about money, he said he doesn't have a lot of money but he is going to spend it.   I found out he asked my husband to pay Jessica's way.  My husband said no.  I am glad he did because this would continue and I would not concider that a proper date. 

I just hope I am doing the right thing.  Thank you for your input.  I feel like I am punishing my daughter instead of teaching her sometimes. 

  

C1962's picture
C1962

His parents don't seem responsible to me.  They left him alone with no money for over a week.  He was in a accident and they left no way to contact them he was 17 years old at the time. 

I will speak to his mother if it doesn't continue.  I would think they would want him to work more than 16 hours a week during the summer.  He doesn't have money for college. His car is on it's last leg and no money to repair or buy another car to go to college.  I am hoping this last attempt stating he can only come to the house to pick up my daughter to do things and then return and say goodnight will push him in the direction to work more hours. 

I just feel that I am punishing my daughter because he doesn't understand that I will not tollerate him coming to the house and sit around all day. 

Time will tell. 

Cristi555's picture
Cristi555

Wow! Sounds like he is looking for another mommy! Are his parents that deft or are they trying to force him to grow up? Maybe they are just happy to get him out of THEIR house for the day! You are doing the right thing. Don't think of it as punishment for your daughter, think of it as you being a good role model for your daughter! You are a great mom and I commend you!!!!!

C1962's picture
C1962

Thank you Cristi555,  My husband and I think they just don't want to be bothered with him.  I don't know what his parents are trying to do.  Before school let out for the summer they would make him come home and cook, clean the house.  I had some rules also, that my daughter couldn't talk on the phone until her homework was done.  I also didn't let him come over if she had homework.   It just seemed, when he graduated from High School he just decided that he was going to spend every minute he could with her. 

My daughter did speak with him on Monday.  He has tried everything to try to get more time with her.  He also asked me to pay him to take her out on dates.  This just floored me.  I told him NO, I would not pay for him to take her out.  I told him that he is more than capable to work a 40 hr wk job.  He said no, I am not, I have a part time job.  I said if you want to date my daughter you will have to get a full time job.  I also told him that there are things that don't cost a lot of money to do.   My daughter seems to take it a little hard, that what once was isn't now.  I don't let him come over before 10AM.  I don't let him stay after a date. Meaning if he takes her out during the day for 6-7 hours and they return home that's the date.  He says goodnight to her.  She then has the remaining before bed to read a book or do what she wants.  Last night was wonderful!

Today they are going to the beach and have a picnic.  It's really hot here today.  He asked me if he could come earlier to prepare.  I said that she can start preparing after she gets her morning things done.   When they are ready they can leave for the beach which is 10 mins from our house.