3Mmom's picture
3Mmom

15yr daughter and oral sex

I need advice. I have a beautiful 15yr old daughter that looks to be 21. She is an awesome athlete, straight A's student,all around great kid - until she encounterd the boyfried from hell. This is her first boyfriend other than middle school crushes. We don't encourage this but told her she can date him from our home. No car dates, no unsupervised events. He has been around for the last 4 months. They spend time in our game room, sometimes with our other kids around sometimes alone. Parents home at all times and we do check-in on them. Recently I found a note and text about my daughter telling her friend that she gave him a BJ in our gameroom while we were home. Needless to say we are devestated. I confronted her with this info and she denied it all together. After she found that I had proof (note and text)she changed her story and said that she made it up because she was tired of being teased by other boys about being a goody girl and not doing anything with guys. I dont beleive her because she was untruthful from the start. What do I do now?? I know if I forbid her to see him they will go underground. Any suggestions? We talked with the boyfried last night and wanted to hear his side of the story. But he to said that they didn't do it. I don't know what to beleive but I cant take the chance of ignoring it because oral sex progresses to sex and she is only 15 and nobody expects to get pregnant it can happen to anyone. HELP



Sister83's picture
Sister83

Don't ignore it. This is what you need to do from a practical standpoint: schedule an appointment for your daughter with a GYN. She may feel more comfortable talking with a nurse or doctor about sex than she does with her parents. I'd also advise her to take birth control pills. When taken properly they are pretty effective. Avoiding pregnancy and STDs is a major concern- take care of that first.

Now, from an emotional standpoint, try to have an honest conversation with your daughter about boys and sex. Based on your post, I think it is more or less inevitable that your daughter will have sex soon, if she hasn't already. I wouldn't make her feel ashamed about her sexual activity... but just try to have a conversation about it. Explain that sexual activity has lots of consequences, emotionally and otherwise, and that 15 year-olds are not ready for this type of responsibility and could end up regretting decisions made in the heat of the moment.

You could also ask her what she feels she is getting out of being this intimate with her boyfriend... in other words, why did she want to give him a "BJ"? If it was just curiosity, make sure she knows just b/c she has done a certain thing with a boy once, doesn't mean she has to do it again. Explain that curiosity is normal but sexual activity should be mutually fulfilling, and between adults who trust each other and are committed to each other (or whatever your views on sexual relationships happen to be).

In the best case scenario, a good convo and a trip to the gyno could give your daughter pause. But,if kids are hell-bent on having sex (or seeing each other), I don't think there is much parents can do to put a total stop to it. I think that no matter what you do, they will find a way. But, this doesn't mean you have to make it easy, or provide opportunities for them. I'd suggest not allowing them to close the gameroom door for starters, and also popping in on them more.

Good luck to you.

3Mmom's picture
3Mmom

Thank you for your advice. I really needed to hear exactly what you are saying. You must have had experience dealing with teens. I wish now, that I would have been more calm when dealing with the situation. I reacted with my heart instead of my head. We don't want to beleive that it happened, but now we have to keep her safe. We told them (daughter and BF) that we know we can't keep them from seeing eachother but when he comes to our home he must stay within eyesight. No gameroom no doors closed he stayed last night for a while but seemed very uncomfortable. I know its a lose - lose situation for my daughter and that she will blame me for whatever happends. Oh my, isn't parenting FUN. Thanks again

mayamay's picture
mayamay

It's just possible that both of them are telling the truth. I think I would tell my daughter that since she lied--either to me or to her friends--that was proof that she was too young to have a "dating" relationship. I'm not surprised that the boy is uncomfortable. My concern is, if she was just showing off for her friends, that now she will think she might as well be hung for a sheep as hung for a lamb and go ahead and do it.

Close supervision, 24/7. Tell the counselor at school you need to know immediately if she is missing class, hire an adult baby sitter for the next three weeks to supervise time when she's home and you are at work, or shorten your work day. You aren't helpless to prevent her from seeing the boy, but it might cost you some $ and some effort.

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

Good advice from both previous posters. Also, request the health care professional to have a frank discussion with your daughter about STD's and the fact that one can get STD's from oral sex. My daughter, now 26, has thanked me many times for providing the close supervision that did not allow her to be in situations that could have led to any sexual activity when she was in high school. At 19 she had sex, which she regretted and made the decision to wait until marriage. Parenting teens can be difficult and you must make sure you do what you have to do to keep your daughter safe whether those decisions are popular with her or not.

3Mmom's picture
3Mmom

Thanks for your advice, it really does help to have others opinion on this situation. Boyfriend still wants to come over and is in agreement with the new rules. (for now anyway) It is difficult for me to welcome him back into our home, but I will do my best. He has been very quite and the only thing he has said is that he cares for my daughter and would never do anything to hurt her. I guess time will tell. In their minds they think this relationship will be forever! At 17 and 15 they have so much to learn, its just so hard to get them to think like an adult when they are just kids. Wish me luck and thanks again.

mayamay's picture
mayamay

If you believe your daughter had oral sex with this boy it is ridiculous for you to welcome him into your home.

3Mmom's picture
3Mmom

Don't you think that if I forbid the relationship that they will just take it underground? Then I won't be able to know anything that is going on. I wish I had the power to end the relationship now. I can make it difficult for them, while trying to help her understand the complications of her actions. Because, she is going to encounter this situation again in her life and she needs to know how to handle future relationships. They are not BAD kids they are just products of our X-RATED society. Sex is everywhere.... Do you watch Television or listen to music? I wish things were different, we can't raise our kids in a bubble. Does anyone else have any better suggestions???

Sister83's picture
Sister83

As corny as it sounds, do what you feel is right in your heart.

Kids are going to experiment sexually. Fifteen is young, yes. Is your daughter's behavior rare for someone her age? Probably not. That might be unfortunate, and it doesn't mean it is right, but that's the way it is. If they're not bad kids, I don't see why you would have to forbid them from seeing each other as long as you keep the doors open, keep them supervised.

It would be great for you and your daughter to talk about sex, boys, and just life in general as much, and as honestly, as possible. All anyone can do is try to instill a sense of responsibility and confidence in their kids- equip them with the tools they need to make good decisions-- in the teen years and beyond.

3Mmom's picture
3Mmom

Thank you Sister83, I was feeling so bad about others opinion on how I am doing with this situation. Believe me I wish their were guidelines or a handbook on what to do with lifes unexpected events. I have been praying alot and trying to follow my heart. Every kid and every situation is different and we all want the very best for our kids. Thankyou for not judging my decision to let the BF back into our home. Sadly, most of our conversations about the BF or the situation end with a raised voice and raised emotions. But I am trying....

mayamay's picture
mayamay

Call your local health department and ask if there are parent training courses. There are handbooks. Good luck