lauraj86's picture

15 yr old daughter is lying about talking and kissing an 18 yr old. Help!

I have a newly turned 15 yr old daughter, she set up a date with an 18 year old for homcoming, lied to me about it and had a parent lie to me after the dance where she was spending the night. I grounded her for a month, took away cell and told the boy she was not allowed to date till she was 16. Now four months later she is texting this boys best friend who is also 18(and Im sure he knows that she is not allowed to date). They have kissed at another dance and she is texting and calling him. I have made it clear that her dad and I want her to wait till she is 16 to date. She is mature, gets good grades and is honest most of the time.
She said that she doesnt want to talk about boys with me cause I "freak out" . My freaking out is just reminding her that she only gets to be a kid once and its such a short time, that waiting to date is a good idea.
I also have flashbacks to my mindset at that age, and I remember being totally head over heels with an older boy (who I was not allowed to date till I was 16) and the sexual feelings that go with that. if I had been allowed to date this boy it shurly would have led to sex.
So when these older boys started showing her attention(shes 5'7 and looks older) she has no interest in the boys her own age. I probably would have been ok with her going to a dance with a boy closer to her age but I know what's on an 18 yr old boys mind.
She says I dont trust her and that she is planning on waiting till she is married till she has sex. Of course, I said I wanted to wait till I was 30 to get married but I fell in love at 16 and married my high school sweetheart at 18. We are happily still married.
Have times changed? should I let her date? She is lying to me and I hate that. Im afraid it is damaging our relationship. And when we approach her about the texts she says ok she will stop but she hasnt.
I texted the boy and he says he will just be friends but Im not really so sure about that. She is sneaky now about who she likes and I think she will pursue this boy even though we have said no to dating him.
Please I need advice!!

Stressed out mom! Sorry so long

Sister83's picture

Whether you let your daughter date or not is a decision that should depend on your feelings on the matter and your daughter's maturity level. What does your gut tell you? Did you set 16 as an arbitrary age and now think your daughter is more mature? It might be difficult for your daughter at high school dances and homecoming events if she is not allowed to date- especially if her friends go with dates. This doesn't necessarily mean you should give in just to make it "easier" for her though.

If you feel like you might be being too tough, maybe you could consider a compromise. For example, you could allow her to talk on the phone to boys and maybe visit at your home (supervised) once in a while, but not go unsupervised to his house or anywhere else, or drive with him anywhere until he is 16.

If you don't allow her to date, I do think your daughter will continue to try to talk to this boy unless and until the crush wears off. In these types of situations, I think the best you can hope for is that your kid won't go too overboard because she has a good moral compass and sense of responsibility. I think if kids are hell-bent on having sex, or seeing each other, they will find a way. But, I don't think this means you have to make it easy for them and provide the opportunity.

As far as your comments on the boy's age... I think it is fairly common for girls to show an interest in boys a few years older. There is some truth to the whole "girls mature faster than boys" thing. I also think, generally speaking, boys at 16 also have sex on their minds (as do girls at 16). I do see your point that the 18-year-old might be a bit more forward about sex though, and might pressure more than someone her own age.

I think times have changed to some extent... Getting married at 18 is almost unheard of nowadays for the majority of the country (excepting some religious and cultural backgrounds I suppose). I've heard of some people getting married way too young b/c they don't want to have sex until marriage, and it sometimes ends badly. In a day and age where the average age of marriage is 25 for women and 27 for men, for a lot of people waiting until marriage is unrealistic. (I'm speaking in general terms I obviously do not think your 15 year-old should have sex). Realistic and honest conversations about sex and intimacy are always helpful.

I think you should trust your instincts on this one. There's no hard and fast rule.