momofthree's picture
momofthree

14 y.o. girl in same-sex relationship

My daughter is just turning 14 and she is friends with a girl who is 17.  I do not like the girl b/c I feel she has too much freedom and there seems to be little parental supervision. I suspect my daughter is involved or contemplating more than a friendship with this girl even though my daughter says she likes boys.  According to her she does not like any other girls "in that way" except for this one.  I am afraid this girl is influencing her to go in a direction that may not be right for her....or that my daughter is too young to make a sound decision.  In my heart I believe this is a phase--perhaps it is just wishful thinking on my part.  Is there anything I should be doing or should I just wait it out?



concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

I don't think your 14 yr old shld be hanging out w/ a 17 yr old, regardless of the same-sex attraction issue. You need to supervise your daughter more and keep her from being around this girl. There are so many more issues at stake. This girl is 17 and probably has her license. Do you want your 14 yr old driving around w/ this girl? God knows what cld happen! You know nothing about this girl. Trust your instinct, and encourage your daughter to hang out w/ girls her own age. If she is having sexual feelings towards this girl, maybe you shld consider counceling. She is who she is, and in the long run, you shld accept her for who she is. But right now, maybe it wld help for her to talk to someone about these feelings. It cld be just a phase, but maybe not. Don't be judgemental towards her. Just be there for her to lean on. Continue to guide her in making responsible choices, and encourage her to be open and honest w/ you. Mostly, use sensible judgement in keeping your daughter safe, happy and healthy. Best of luck.

Jothegrill's picture
Jothegrill

I have to say I am VERY impressed that you and your daughter can talk about things like this. If it were my daughter I would feel uncomfortable with this friend as well. Keep talking to your daughter about it. I feel that 14 is too young for ANY sexual activity. If you are worried about supervision, it's ok to say that the friend can come to your house, but that your daughter can not go to hers, (or go to other private places with her.) Share your concerns with your daughter. It sounds like you have a good relationship. Trust your instincts, and good luck.

momofthree's picture
momofthree

Thanks for the advice...at least I feel I am not being overprotective in wanting her to hang out with kids her age. Either way, she does not go out in cars with friends. Generally she is fairly well supervised and many activities with friends take place at our house. I've told her that I was not going to encourage/facilitate this friendship. Even before I suspected that there might be more to this friendship, I did not like the girl. It's as if she is raising herself--no parental involvement...and we are very different. My daughter seems happy and outgoing for now and still thinks boys are hot. I think I will try to steer her toward her other friends (she has many) and see if this runs its course. Thanks

momofthree's picture
momofthree

Don't be impressed...I suspected something was going on...you know how you feel it in your gut? One day my daughter mentioned to me that so and so liked her. Then recently I was about to get on the computer just as she had gotten up and I found part of a "Chat" that she accidentally left up on the screen that alluded to something that seemed more than a friendship. I took the opportunity of this "accidental" finding to speak to my daughter, share my concerns and tell her that we loved her no matter what...I did most of the talking...she clammed up and admitted very little. Hence I do not know exactly what is going on there but I do not think it has reached the level of sexual activity. I must say all this is kind of scarry. It used to be that you knew everything about your kid and some days you feel you know nothing about some of the most important things in their lives!

Belcher212's picture
Belcher212

Hello,
I recently found out my 15 yr old daugher is dating a girl(14 yr old).My daughter actually felt comfortable & close enough to me,to come to me & talk about it, but was more affraid as to how her dad would react.Of course the 1st reaction is:shock! She also tells me "she doesn't like girls","just this girl". I think,its confusion over her sexuality right now. The thing is,I have decided to handle her just as I would if she was dating a boy.I've done alot of reading on the subject & joined support groups. What I have determined is that if they are gay & going to live that lifestyle,we wont be able to change that. We have to be supportive & realize,it's still "our child"& if they are gay, it doesnt make them a bad person.If we push to much or try to change them,we will loose them forever & push them away.I have also found out that the suicide rate is VERY high in gay children coming out because of feelings of loneliness,being "disowned"by family/friends & pressure to change themselves. Is it a faze???? You cant be sure at this point.That part you will just have to wait out.It could be a faze or she may really be gay.In the case tht she really is gay,I suggest it be handled very fragile & w/support! Society today is more excepting & children now feel more at ease about "coming out". So w/the "gay" sitation,I would try to be very supportive,be more informed & keep the lines of communication open w/your daugher.Theres a great web site that I used once I found out,that really helped me out. Go read this: It really helped us: http://www.outproud.org/brochure_coming_out.html
Also PFLAG.com
This should give you plenty of info on how to handle things.
Counceling may help as well,but i wound't take her to counceling to "try to change her",but only to help them understand themselves more,help you understand more & to give her someone bias to talk to.Dont go w/the belief that "it's just a faze". Most times, it's not! You don't want to push your daughter away because she feels if she doesnt change,you wont want her in your life.I would also talk to her about it & let her know she can talk to you.
The parents of the girl my daughter is dating,has chosen to try "to change" her. They have punished her(taking everything away,cell phone,computer,not allowed to go anywhere etc...)This has caused many more problems like depression & closed the lines of communication.They also had put her in counseling to try to "change her",saying "it is just a faze". This does not work. If she's gay, she's gay & punishing her will not change that,but as I said only push her away & cause depression.
If I were you,I'd treat it the same as if she was dating a boy & just keep it under control. Dont allow alone time & just make sure when she goes places it's either in groups or supervised by a parent.
Alot of people tend to treat gayness like some type of a disease that can be fixed. I had to ask myself, would I rather have my daughter gay,happy & be involved in her life or refuse to accept it & have her depressed,loose my relationship w/her or even worse "not have her on this earth anymore??? She is a good kid, listens well,has never gotten in trouble,so I have chosen to support & except who she is.
This has made us much closer & keeps us as parents involved in whats going on in her life.
Hope this helps,

oldfashiongal's picture
oldfashiongal

My question is why does there seem to be an outbreak of these types of relationships (especially girls)? In every small town, city, and state you notice two or three on the basketball team, two or three on the softball team, and on the volleyball teams. Not to forget the real loners not involved in sports or any extra curricular activities. You know the ones we use to call just TOM BOY’S. Why are they not still just tomboys? What has motivated these girls to take it a step further (in a sexual way)?? Can we not also question the moral breakdown in the country? Teen girls (and boys) are bombarded with perverse sexual ideas. Everywhere they look, any type of media they encounter, from television sitcoms, MTV, my space, (internet in general), to music. You try to block, monitor, turn off, sensor, and it still comes at them in another 100 different ways. What’s the answer??

My daughter is 16 an A student, and an excellent athletic. My husband and I met her best friend (let’s call her MO she is almost 18 now) 18 months ago. At the time, the best friend came to watch another girl (an all the way out of the closet; and recently cut from the High School team, not sure why, but we all suspect) play ball. My husband and I are old school we’re all about reputation. You are who you hang out with! We warned her to not hang around with that group. Then around the holidays of 08 she goes to this party and it gets back to me(weeks later) there were girls coupling up kissing, and she was one of them with MO. Days later she sneaks MO into the garage after midnight to give her a CD she had just burned(how could she be talked into this). I caught her red handed and she tried to lie her way out of it. Big punishment! Couple of weeks goes by and she is caught lying again meeting up with MO for lunch. At this point I had found out about New Years Eve and she was absolutely forbidden to have anything to do with MO. This past summer she was caught in a couple of huge lies and punished. About this timeframe she was getting her driver’s license and has made defiant improvement in her circle of friends. I felt she was getting pass this infatuation with MO until I see pictures on my space of her and MO hanging out NYE09. Sorry for running on here I was just trying to establish a pattern on this lying, especially when it concerns MO. She says she is not like that, and MO has experimented but she is not like that either. How can I believe her, I would like to, but just can’t take that risk. MO has to much influence on her. Our daughter shows us one side (happy, fairly well adjusted teen) but then when confronted with her lies turns into an angry, sullen, somebody we don’t even know. When I confronted her just a couple of weeks ago, she said MO is her best friend, but they hardly get to hang out, and when they do at ballgames MO doesn’t sit by her. Mo knows how she feels about it. Tell me what that says about their relationship? (they don’t go to the same school). MO even knows how we feel about her, and still pursues our daughter. I just know our daughter wakes up in the morning and goes to bed at night taking to her. How could she lie like this if she were not being coached! MO has no guidance, or boundaries. Goes absolutely everywhere at anytime of the night. Not to mention her experience with same sex. I have always felt since this has been going on that MO didn’t know what she was (sexually). But I will not take a chance with my daughter’s future happiness.

I know the forum will come back and say they will be what they will be. I just can’t be so accepting when I still may have some influence over my daughter. Are gays really HAPPY?? Yes, gays and lesbians have been in society since the beginning of time, choosing to battle they way thru life. The clear lines between men and women are no more. Women try to be men and men in try to be women.

junieg's picture
junieg

A long time ago, when my children were young, I did all the projections of 'what if'. One of my children being gay was something that came into that thinking. As a mother, I have no right to dictate how my children lead their lives when they grow up. I decided that I would be there for my children no matter what sexuality they chose. This is not important. What is important to me is that they lead HAPPY and FULFILLED lives. My philosophy is that everyone should be entitled to live their lives and do as they please as long as they do not harm anyone or anything else. Quite a simple philosophy.
IF your daughter is truly lesbian then there is nothing your campaign can do to change that. You need to accept and support instead of condemning.
I do realise that this would be more difficult for people who have religious leanings. Thankfully, I don't have anything to do with that ancient fairy tale.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

I agree w/ junieg. You have to accept your daughter for who she is, not who you want her to be. The reason your daughter is probably sneaking around w/ MO and lying about their relationship (whatever that may be) is probably b/c she knows how opposed you are to homosexuality. No parent wishes this for their child, but if you refuse to accept that your daughter may be gay, and you continue to try to change her, she will only resent you. Instead, you shld consider the possibility, and you shld sit down and talk w/ your daughter. Wldn't you rather she trust you and feel she can come to you instead of her feeling that you're judging her and not accepting her for who she is? Your daughter needs your support, not someone to make her feel inadequate. Be there for her to lean on.
Maybe this is just a phase, or maybe it's something more. In either case, she's your daughter no matter what. Show her love and acceptance. Help her feel good about herself in her accomplishments as a person. Set the path for a future of happiness. Build your relationship w/out any blame or criticism.
In answer to your initial question, this is a changed world we live in. I believe homosexuality always existed. It's not an epidemic or the latest craze. It's just something that's become more accepted in our society, and as a result gay people feel more comfortable to admit to themselves and others that they're gay. That's the way I see it.

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

Your children will make choices that they feel are right for themselves. There are much more damaging choices than being gay.

It may be difficult to accept, but if you want to have a close relationship with your daughter, you really have no choice.

My daughter recently got out of a 5 year relationship with an abusive and controlling young man who kept her from me for 3 years. It was hell for her and our whole family.

Given the choice between that and her being gay, I would take gay any day.

It is difficult, but your relationship with her is much more important.

oldfashiongal's picture
oldfashiongal

Yes, I do agree in parts of what both you and junieg said about love and acceptance, but are you the same person today that you were at 16. What were the many things that influenced you on your road to adulthood? Parents? Friends? Any religious leaders? My daughter and I had a talk last night about how much her dad and I loved her and would love her regardless of which way she decided to go, but if she decided to be gay I would try my best to influence her to change. I believe with all my heart parents can still make a difference in there children lives up to a point. Now, if it is true and she has no control over these feelings and decides to be gay as an adult, we will still love HER, but will not be able to accept her lifestyle.

From what I’ve read it is a natural feeling for teens to experiment sexually, possibly with members of the same sex. At sixteen I can believe that teenagers have all kinds of sexually feelings. The difference to me is if they choose to act on them. There’re many different ways teens experiment, drugs, sex, alcohol. What is the difference between acting on these sexual feelings and deciding to try drugs? Or experimenting with any of the temptations kids have today?

During our talk I did find out this infatuation has not taken a sexual turn. I still hold out that both of them do not know what sexual orientation they are. But MO is the more experienced of the two (with same sex); my daughter has told me that. I am going to fight with all I can to break the influence this girl has over my daughter. Also, she said it was just MO she has strong feelings about. She is just there for her. After our talk, it seemed to me it may be the way MO pays attention and supports her. Not too many boys or girls would be quite that accommodating unless they had ulterior motives. I tried to get her to look at MO as a temptation, with MO’s influence over her she could very well be led down that path. We all have to face temptations in our lives; the difference is who chooses to turn away, or those that go toward it. Especially as teens, they may experiment with all the different types of temptations and then have it follow them into adulthood, i.e. drugs, and alcohol, not sure about gay’s(not a proven fact yet).

She has always had our LOVE and support in everything she does. We tell her how beautiful and successful she is. That she has everything going for her. Our world revolves around her. Maybe that’s the problem; she expects everybody to treat her that way. Yes, we don’t support this behavior when it comes to MO, but she said she knew that we loved her.

Junieg, since you brought religion into the discussion I will have to address your comment. I feel sorry for those that believe that way. I take comfort in my religious beliefs just as the many, many, hundreds of thousands across the world do. No one gets out of this world alive.