ptintenn's picture
ptintenn

14 year old daughters friends have turned on her

Hi. I have a 14 year old daughter in 8th grade. She is very popular and has had the same group of friends for over 2 years now. This past year has been filled with alot of drama, especially with one of her so called "best friends" (we will call her Mary) getting mad at her one week and then being her best friend the next. This finally blew up last night when my daughter got elected homecoming queen but "Mary" did not. Right after the ceremony, "Mary", who before the ceremony was my daughters best friend, confronted my daughter in front of everyone and said some mean and hurtful things. Of course, now the other friends are following "Mary" and have turned on my daughter. What started out as a great night last night for my daughter turned into one of the worst. She is heartbroken and cried for hours. These are her closest friends and with a drop of a hat they have turned on her. I am heartbroken also for my daughter, and I am so shocked at these girls behavior. I have welcomed these girls into my home for 2 years, taken them places, etc., and I just can't believe all this. My gut feeling is that they are jealous. Most of them come from broken homes, but my daughter has both her dad and I in the home. My daughter is very pretty and is well liked. I don't know what to do. I know in a couple of weeks they might all be friends again, but I honestly don't know if I can welcome these girls in my home again because I am so uterly disapointed in them. All the girls have had there ups and downs with each other over the years, but nothing like this (ganging up on one person and causing so much hurt). I personally would love to call them all up and tell them how ugly they are acting but I know I can't. I am just at a loss at what to do. I get sick to my stomach thinking about how hurt my daughter is. Help!



mayamay's picture
mayamay

The thing your daughter does not need is to see you being affected by this incident. It is very easy to get caught up in the drama, but you need to take an adult perspective.

If you've showed your disappointment and anger in front of your daughter, tell her you were caught off guard, but that these things do happen, and you can't believe that you were so upset. Then just get through the coming weeks with dignity.

Hey, who has homecoming in 8th grade? Whoever is running the school should have enough developmental psychology to understand that kids this age are not mature enough for that experience.

jimrich's picture
jimrich

Your daughter is hurt because she is insecure and depends on others to feel good so, when they turn on her, it is devastating to loose the emotional support.
You could help your child by teaching her how to love, respect and accept herself just as she is. If you don't know how, have her read some self esteem books or google it. When she begins to feel better about herself, she will no longer be attracted to ppl who are insecure, jealous, neurotic, angry, GUILTY,etc and will be drawn to ppl who are self respecting, happy, proud, secure, loyal and other positive things.
Her attitudes and self image come mostly from her parents so be the kind of person you want your daughter to look up to.
http://parentingteens.about.com/od/disciplin1/a/behaviormodel.htm
good luck

mayamay's picture
mayamay

Jim, the people who ask questions about parenting on these message boards are already looking for things that they can do differently than they have in the past. You keep harping on the same note--your position that every problem any child ever has is the result of inadequate parenting. This is neither true nor helpful.

Referring people to a google search for parenting tips is also not helpful. People present specific problems in hopes of finding perspectives and ideas that are based on personal experience, rather than research-based recommendations. There are many problems which are not addressed in research because they affect a small number of people.

mayamay's picture
mayamay

Please, reflect on the problems that people present here, and offer thoughtful, specific comments based on your experience. I have no doubt that your perspective could be valuable for some of the parents who are seeking help.

jimrich's picture
jimrich

mayamay
Ask Host Marti to add an “ignore member” button to this forum to solve your problems with other members here.
good luck,
jim

junieg's picture
junieg

re:respectfully yours. None of your posts are respectful are they Jim.

mayamay's picture
mayamay

jimrich, I hope you notice that the responses you have been getting are such that you feel invited to continue to participate. I am glad about that. Although people have expressed their distaste for the way you frame your comments, you haven't been told to shut up and go away. In fact, the points you make are often valid, but you are going for the obvious. Sometimes I compose my response on a separate document, then wait 24 hours and read it, just to see if I think I am offering something that is useful and kind. I think you would agree with me that kindness is a valuable thing.

>>Please exactly quote the opinions you are referring to and I will attempt to explain.

Search these comments for kindness:
>.. start by fixing your self! You, not your kid, are the problem!
>You could help your child by teaching her how to love, respect and accept herself just as she is.

mayamay's picture
mayamay

>Parents have the DUTY to teach, train and model good, loving, respectful behavior and attitudes in their own home and ours FAILED miserably to do their DUTY so we ended up fighting a lot while assuming it was all the other kid's fault.
>If your child has drifted away, it's because you let it happen and the outsiders can provide the respect, support, love, happiness, interest, etc. that are not available at home.
>Why did you allow that? Why didn't you teach them to be good friends and get along?
>Why didn't you or someone teach them to love and respect each other when they were little?
>Sorry you failed to teach him better behavior and attitudes when he was little and trainable.

mayamay's picture
mayamay

>She is getting some needs met from them that is probably missing at home! That's what makes me sad
>Your parents FAILED to teach both of you to be loving, respectful, friends!
>If you want to UNDO the hateful conditioning from your parents, you can begin by treating your sister with respect, friendship, LOVE, acceptance and other things your parents FAILED to teach both of you when you were little and teachable.
good luck
>So, I suggest that you examine the emotional psychological nature of your family to see if there is evidence of chronic: FEAR, ANGER, WORRY, SADNESS, DEPRESSION, STRESS of any kind that might be stressing your kid

mayamay's picture
mayamay

I don't need you to explain. It is obvious that your parents did not know how to offer constructive criticism, and that you simply don't know how.

Perhaps you could use this forum as a place to begin to practice criticism. Use that 24 hour strategy that I sometimes use: compose a response, then look at it the next day and re-frame it so that it is kind. Criticism does not have to include "Why did you . . ." and "You failed . . .". It usually is more effective without those themes.