wendymae's picture
wendymae

14 and chaperoned date??

I'm a mom of a 14 year old daughter and the wife of an overly protective husband.  My daughter has being "going out" with a boy for a good year.  I know...young, but he's really a great kid.  In fact, he first kissed her on the cheek when she was in kindergarten, which was cute at the time....but I didn't realize it would turn into this!  Anyway, I'm considering allowing them to go to the mall and hang out and then to a movie.  Here's the catch...I will be along, as well as her younger brother.  I'm desperateto convince her dad to come too...but as I said, he's over protective and doesn't agree with it.   I 've allowed him to call most of the shots over the last year, but now I'm growing tired of him not letting her go anywhere, including boy/girl parties when this boy is there.  Part of it is that I grew up with a very strict father who didn't allow me to do much of anything growing up, and although I wasn't horrible kid, I did things behind his back that he didn't know about.  And how I hated him when I was in high school!!  I just don't want the same to happen with our daughter.  What's everyone's input on this??  Am I allowing something that I shouldn't??



2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

First let me say that as an adult, my daughter has thanked me many, many times for being so "overprotective". My now 24 y/o daughter was not allowed to date supervised at all until she was over 16, and no unsupervised dates until 18. At 24, she is still with the first young man she was ever with and I am very proud of the for that. What is the point of dating that young? Dating is designed to find out if a couple is compatible. Under 18, the hormones are raging and it is way too easy for things to get out of control. Your husband is right on this.

wendymae's picture
wendymae

Maybe my dad wasn't so strict after all! :) My daughter and I talk about what I expect from her as far as sexual experimentation goes. (Basically, don't pull anything until you're 30!) I do trust her. Not saying I'm not nervous about it, but I know she's got a good head on her shoulders. Besides...I feel that even if they are supervised as thouroughly as your daughter was, they can still figure out ways to hook up.
My whole point was whether I should chaperone them hanging out and if they were old enough. There was never a chance that I was going to leave them alone somewhere.

P.S. My first date was at 16 with a fine young man who is now my husband and has been for 16 years.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

I guess it's hard not being over-protective as a parent. My husband, too, always says, if we had a girl and she started dating, I'd be running the guy's license plate, tracking him down. (My husband's a cop). So you can only imagine what I'd be dealing w/. Luckily, I have boys, but still I worry. They're young yet, but when that time comes, and they start venturing out, I'm of course going to worry. My parents were very strict w/ me growing up as well. I feel that was both good and bad. I was a good kid too, but once I was old enough, I did rebel somewhat. My opinion is that there shld be a middle ground. You can't shelter your children forever. Your daughter is only 14, so you shld set rules that are fitting to her age. Let her go out, but make sure you know where she is at all times. Does she have a cell phone? If so, have her call you, or you call her. Chaperone in certain situations (like the mall)--I agree w/ that at 14--just don't hover. Keep the lines of communication open w/ her, and let her feel like she can trust you, just like you trust her. If she respects your wishes, you are moving in the right direction. However, if at any time you feel she is not being truthful w/ you, or she goes against your wishes, you shld then take certain privileges away. Trust is a 2-way street, and respect goes a long way. Trust your daughter, and she will trust you. Respect your daughter, and she will respect you. Be cautious, yes, but don't be too over-protective. Good luck!

wendymae's picture
wendymae

We had our "family date" and it did go pretty well. My husband was kind of a bump on a log for awhile...I think just trying to intimidate our young male suitor...but we did the movie thing and out for pizza. Since then, I've allowed her to go to a minor league baseball game with he and his family. Again, my husband bucked at it, but I let her go. As the last response said, I'm giving her limited freedom and I feel that I can totally trust her at this point. I think too that this gives her a chance to have some responsibility, but within limits and grants a mutual amount of trust between the two of us. So...next week let them go out on their own??? :) Just kidding. THAT will be a very long while before that's allowed. Thanks for the reply's!!
P.S. Heck yes she has a cell phone! What teen doesn't these days??