MsJewelz's picture

13 yr old out of control

 Im not sure where to start at this point Im lost and not sure what to do. My daughter is 13. I swear going on 21. She is so wanting to grow up so fast.  For the most part she is  good kid,  Outside of me, she is respectful and kind. She is good in school, in soccer on a premier team this summer she kept busy babysitting and making money.  Lately, actually the last year, I;ve been loosing touch.  Last year during schhol she skipped school with  a boy, to the point I had to take and pick her up from school. Any technology she abuses, cell phone, computer. etc. and everything is a secret.  Into witch craft and inspired by goths/or emo's I believe thats what there called, wanting to wear make-up, wearing black. I've recently found a myspace profile that I was unware of, and she was communicating with older boys 18+. and the things she would say, just to be cool was crazy. I couldnt believe it.   I feel  like she is doing anything and everything to get negative attention. I've talked to her about the make-up/the boys/and the abuse of her cell phone etc. She swears she will never do it again.. this has been said several times after being punished and her cell phone being taking away. I fianally gave her phone back just to take it away in less the 2 days, for abusing it again. After giving her the rules. Her explantation is I wanted to.  Im so fustrated that today..I actually blew up and I said some things that I now regret. Its a constant battle to keep her at her own age 13.  What is going on. I understand that she wants to be her own person, but there's a limit.  I feel like she just wants to be a follower, but at the same time she makes her own decisions and does her own things. Im confused on what to do. I dont want to loose my daughter to BS. But she says that she doesnt want to talk to me, she never wants to talk to me. I offered writing in a journel as a diary to eachother back and forth..but she refuses and hasnt done that. She is a wonderful writer, I know she can communicate. Whats going on. and how do i redirected all her negativity.

Trisscity's picture

I feel for you. A friend of mine has a 13 year old girl who's pretty well behaved and then we both have 7 (soon to be 8 year old girls) who we are constantly wondering about as far as how they will be when they are teens. We have the "if they were anything like us" talks that scare the crap out of us. It's good that you are so concerned and that you are trying to give her options so she can open up to you. With the phone.....I'm sorry, but I would just take it away indefinitely. At least until you've seen a change in her that is considerable. And the computer I'd limit to "school only" work. I remember doing some pretty stupid things when I was a teen over a boy. We moved also after I met him and I still found a way to keep in contact with him by calling one of his friends and giving him the new number. I would sneak out of the house at night to meet up with him. You want to have control and monitor what she is doing without completely restricting everything she does. If you still need to pick her up and drop her off from school I would do that. Keep her in activities and heck add some more on. lol I'm serious....keep her busy. I have my daughter involved in 3 activities ALL the time because as she gets older I want her to have little time to misbehave. Make a point to have to meet/speak to every child's parent that she is going to be in contact with. I never understood why my mother never did this. Wouldn't we as parents want to make sure we knew the parents of the children our child is hanging out with? Stop giving her money also. If her behavior doesn't change don't buy her new clothes, CD's, whatever. I wouldn't let her babysit either to make money. Nix the phone and the computer. And the home phone, don't allow her to answer it anymore and take her phone out of the bedroom if she has one in there. All these things are privileges that need to be earned back over time when her behavior is much better.

Good Luck!

BeaverMom's picture

I can't say my situation was as bad as yours sounds, but I did have some problems with my daughter and the computer.

I used spyware to monitor her computer use without her knowing. That way I knew everything she was up to and she had no idea how I was finding out. There are programs available that allow you to do that.

I used one I saw in Oprah's magazine, Spector Pro. It won't solve everything but it will let you see what is going on, it sounds like your eyes are open already but I was shocked to say the least to see what my girl was up to.

The one I use is at

karentheawkward's picture

Sorry, but I think it's wrong as a 14 year old to do something like that, spying and taking away their privacy.

Instead, you should try to talk to your child. How would feel if you know people were watching your every move online? I sure you wouldn't like it.

I know it seems hard, but I am highly against going through your child's thing without them knowing. Perhaps I shouldn't be talking, as a 14 year old, but I think that if your child respects your privacy, you should respect theirs.

kingdayle's picture

My child is 13yrs old, &already has two charges for the use of weed. the first charge was at the age of 12.the first charge put us on the street, with no remorse to what the law will do to me as the parent. Now she & a group friends left school before school to get high, i got to the school & slapped her open handed on both arms & the cop (i have NO RESPECT for the Pueblo police now)slammed me into 3 walls & drug me down a hall. the whole time i am telling him (the cop)that I AM DISABLED, & cannot bend & twist. Now the department of social services has been too my home & the lovely police man filled CHILD ABUSE CHARGES against me. I went to the D.A. office & they asked me down there just too PLEAD GUILTY to the charge. No way that is not abuse. i will see them in court... Any advice or help would be great.

Sister83's picture

Kingdayle- get a lawyer. if you can't afford one, get a public defender. if you don't meet the income requirements for a public defender, ask then if they can refer you to lawyers who will take work for a reduced fee.

To the original poster:

The emo and witchcraft thing is probably harmless. Is it weird? Yes. And it can get out of control or too extreme, but this is a phase that some kids go through. It is sort of the trendy thing to do. As long as she isn't hurting anyone, I wouldn't worry too much.

Keep trying to encourage her to think for herself and work on building her self-image and self-esteem. I think it is good that you are trying to talk with her and spend time with her.

It might be a good time to have a talk about sex and birth control and to explain the emotional ramifications of being sexually active, since she is sneaking around with boys. But, whatever you do, don't make her feel like a "slut" b/c that will just be a blow to her self-esteem.

I second the spyware suggestion, as long as you are sure you can be slick enough about it that she won't find out. You want her to trust you. At the same time, you want to be sure that you are informed if she plans on doing something really crazy or dangerous so that you can intervene.

sunshinegal725's picture

I have a 13 yr old grandson who is not exactly like what you are dealing with concerning your daughter.
He has told me since turning 13 that he wants to live 'anywhere' I am not.
When I try to discuss this with him, he tells me I am ugly, no one likes me and that he can't stand to be around me.

Whew! This really pulls me down.

He has a target date to move out ( abt 2 weeks from now) and says it is my job to find somewhere that he will want to stay.

????? How am I to do this?

I have told him to make a list of possible places he can stay and I will do the same.
Then in about a day or so we will compare.
I also told him to write 'pros and cons' about these people/places and we can eliminate based on that...narrow the combined list down to 2 or 3. I also told him we would need to contact these people after we had the list narrowed down to see 'who would be willing to take him into their home'.

I have one family that we have known for over 6 years here in our town.
They would be willing to take him into their home....this I know without even asking.
However, HE won't go along with this family.
The mom is strict, not mean, but she has her rules, which include chores and school before recreation .... which HE really dislikes. I have been tooooooooooo giving through the years and it is why I Believe he has taken on this attitude towards me.

I have been thinking almost non stop about this since sunday.
What am I going to do?

I have to do something....he won't simply comply to any rules I want him to follow anymore. He tells me " what are you going to do about it?"

I never thought I would be in this situation...EVER.

Any thoughts?
I have no family to put him with.

I have only friends which he doesn't want.

I'm trying to stay positive while I feel like I am drowning here.

Anyone been 'in my shoes?"

mayamay's picture

You are rearing your grandson--what circumstance lead to his being in your care instead of his parents' care?

My first thought is that he is pushing you away to see if you will leave him, too. I'd think about the possibility of telling him that you two are in this together, through thick and thin, because that is what families do. That you love him, that you want to be able to look in his face every morning and nag him about brushing his teeth every night.

I think that many of these children are scared to death that there is no one on their side who is tougher than they are.

The kids I know who are emo either have very laissez faire parents OR they have suffered a trauma--like a disrupted attachment or witnessing a death. I know that this does not describe all emo kids, but it is true of the ones I know.

2xstepmom's picture

Contact your local division of Child Mental Health. They should be able to point you in the right direction.