cnewcomb's picture

No Respect

My wife and I have been married for a little over a year. She has 3 children, 21 year old twins and an 18 year old. The 18 yo (daughter) and boyfriend (21)have lived with us since we got married. Recently the 21 yo (boy) came to live with us. One issue at a time I guess even though they are similar.

18 year old...UNBELIEVABLE disrepect! She talks to her mother in a manner that I wouldnt talk to a stray dog. Calls her obscene names etc. Recently we were out running errands and the daughter called and demanded that we return to the house immediately because she needed $15.00. This is a regular occurance, she goes through money like water through a sieve. I suspect much of the money my wife loans/give to her goes for pot. I've tried to talk to my wife abou the lack of respect and I get accused of causing trouble between her and her kids. I wasnt raised to disrepect my parents and niehter wsa my wife.

21 year old...again NO RESPECT what-so-ever! Rude, overbearing and ill-mannered. No respect for anyone's property, no respect for simple house rules. He has been told numerous times about smoking pot in the house but refuses to comply. He is lazy, refuses to help out around the house, works full time, does not contribute a dime. First to the dinner table and last (never has) to help with dishes. Takes clothes from the dryer and piles them in a clothes basket. All I'm asking is for him to be a contributing member of the household. He pays no rent, no utilities no anything. He seems to be certain that if it is in the house he should have unlimited access to it.

So here is the dilema, I love my wife dearly and would walk on broken glass for her. She has made it clear that her kids come before me and that my griping and [filtered word]ing about thier behavior is not acceptable. I cannot tolerate the lack of respect her kids have for her. It sickens me! I dont want my marriage to end but its nearing that point for one reason, her kids lack of respect and refusal to follow simple and realistic houshold rules. Both kids are 100% not ready to become a part of the socially acceptable mainstream. They have no manners, no rescpet for anyone or anything and are 100% certain that everyone is there to serve them.

Hopefully someone has soem realistc suggestions.

mayamay's picture

You have no power to fix this. At this point, neither does their mother. I feel very sad for these kids.

The only influence you can have on the children is to be an example of respectful behavior. When you find the opportunity, say please and thank you. Always address them with respect, both in your words and your tone of voice. Lend them a helping hand. I believe the phrase is "killing with kindness."

Keep your finances separate from your wife's as long as she is supporting their pot-smoking. Realize that if drugs are found in your home by the police, you may be charged as well. Consider whether your career may be at risk in that case.

If it was me, I'd be gone.

2xstepmom's picture

As long as your wife is willing to accept this disrespect from her children, the situation will not get better and may very well get much worse. The reason these 2 adult children behave in the manner you describe is because your wife allows them to do so. Sadly there is NOTHING you can do to improve this situation unless your wife is going to stand up to them and demand they grow up! Have a heart to heart with your wife, with a timeline for her children to be out of the house. If she is not willing to do so, then it is time for YOU to stand up for yourself and move on.

notthejones's picture

Unless you're committed to the long haul of putting up with her kids having been raised this way, then it might be best to leave. You have rights too. You are the head of the household and you're continually being undermined which serves nothing more than detriment to her children because in the long run, they will not be functioning members of society. What boss, or what spouse, will put up with this total lack of regard toward other people?
The world I live in is cruel and unforgiving and you best be doing a bunch of butt kissing to keep your job now-a-days, let alone being some young punk that feels the world owes THEM!?
I suggest that you discuss, very seriously, and be ready to back up your own words, that you refuse to live this way and that while you love her, you're not willing to be second-tier in her life. That as a man you expect that she back you up, trust you and your decisions and allow you to be the man you were created to be.
Her children have been raised to behave this way and there is no recourse for you because she takes all of the power away from you by not allowing you into the role of a father.
Her kids need a reality check, which they most certainly will not get living at home, especially at the age of 21 and not helping out at home. That boy needs to be mowing the lawn, cleaning out the garage, taking care of his own laundry and contributing to doing his mothers laundry just for the mere fact he is living at home rent free. Money free and work free, he is skating and has absolutely no reason to move out and get a place of his own and grow up. he has his mother backing his addictions, supporting his lazy life all in the name of love I am sure.
What she fails to realize is there is NO love when there is no respect. And she is doing her children NO favors by allowing them to live this way.
I say run for your life, and get yourself a woman who will allow you to man up and be a husband.