Nikki_83's picture
Nikki_83

My mother in law doesnt make an effort with her grandchildren

Please help!!!! Im at my wits end I have a mother in law who doesnt make an effort with my children who are 6 and 3 (my motehr in law isnt elderly she is only 43 years old). On numerous occasions my husband and I have told her she needs to make an effort as she favours her other grandchild over our children. Just recently I had rung her to find out why she had rung our children for there birthdays and her excuses were: "my son doesnt call me for my birthday" "my grandparents were never in my life" "I cant have your children over its to much for me" "Why would I waste my petrol in driving 50 mins to come and see you and the kids" "you didnt care that I was sick" "you should have got your 6 year old to call and I would have to him why I didnt call" "they have to many people at there birthdays to even know Im there" and that is to name a few, just by reading this is shows she really doesnt care but if that was the case why does she have her other grandson 3 times a week and helps her other daughter during her pregnancy and cant be bothered helping us. Both my husband and I have explained to her that we dont want anything from her just for her to make an effort and come over for a coffee and spend time with the kids when her other children get her to run around for them, look after there kids for days on end just because her daughter needs a break. Just recently at xmas she made a point in stateing that all the grandkids got the same presents which we appreciated and told her so then a few days later I saw a toy at her house that my son had asked santa to buy and I was laughing and telling her the whole story about it and had asked were she had got it and she said "oh I bought it for Sam (her other grandson) and I said to her "but i thought all teh kids got the same my son would have loved one of them" and she said "oh well I bought all the kids the same and Sam got some extra thing" yep a $100 extra toy. Could someone please tell me how to deal with this as everytime I think about it I get anxious and nervous and I really feel for my kids as they havent done anything wrong and we have always gone to see her and I have definatly made an effort in calling every couple of weeks just to see how she is and if she needs anything or just popped in for a cuppa but nothing seems to make any difference I dont know if we should just cut her out or try and mend this even though this has been going on for 6 years since my son was born.



2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

This is a hurtful situation you cannot change, you can only change your perception of the situation. Possibly your mother in law feels she only has the energy to do what she does for her daughter who lives nearby. She is certainly under no obligation to do the same for all of her grandchildren. Be appreciative of what she does do and the time she does spend with your family. Focus your energy and thoughts on the positives in your life and do not allow this to rule your life or the lives of your children. You being anxious and nervous about it is just a huge waste of your time.

My own mother did a great deal for the children of my 2 older sisters, taking a huge part in the raising her first 5 grandchildren. She did very little for my oldest brother's children, and nearly nothing for my next brother's and my children. As adults, there are 7 out of my mother's 12 grandchildren who have very little or nothing to do with her.

Bottom line, it is and will be, your mother in law's loss.

bower's picture
bower

There isn't anything you can do. My MIL saw her only grandsons three times since they where born, they are 27 and 24 now.
There were never acknowledgement of their birthdays or for holidays. If she did stop by, she would blow her car horn until my husband went out to see her. Well, now she is living with us and my boys just see her as an old woman living here. The told me they don't know her and don't like how nasty she is toward me and they will tell her when she is. The boys spend a lot of time with my parents, but they have both since died. Funny thing is her one son is just like her, he has new grandson, who he has only seen once and doesn't help out his daughter. And although she lives with us, her sons will stop by say hi and go hang out with my husband. I love being a grandmother of 4 and have them with me whenever I can. 2X is correct...in the end she losses...

YoYoMimi's picture
YoYoMimi

Good Evening,
I'm new but reading your post touched my heart.

Raising my children I was in the EXACT same shoes you are in now! You just need to ignore the woman and know that your Children have their Parents and they DO NOT need her or her gifts.

And you are right it is her loss! You just be there for your babies and teach them how good people behave. You don't have to bad mouth her either. Don't lie to them when they ask you why. They will see for themselves as they grow. Stay strong and know your children will be raised well.

cher's picture
cher

Hi,

I am not pleased with your MIL's comments, the blame. " my son never calls me, why should I waste my money on gas?" These are angry statements. I have no idea what she has not healed from. Well, call her on her B;day, be as loving as you can, leave the door open and go with the flow. Surround yourself with loving people.

I would love to see my grandkids more. They are 4 and 6. My son and his wife are protective of the kids to a point, no one can drive the kids on a highway etc. I don't get to have over nights. There are few so called perfect situations. what are we supposed to learn about love thru all this?

Leila

healthnut's picture
healthnut
I had a mother in law the same way. When she died none of her grandchildren attended her funeral. That is a sad way to go out of this world.
hus's picture
hus
i understand fully. my MIL believes its ok to wish my 5 & 3 yr ood happy birthday on facebook. My husband insists on buying birthday presents for them and carding it her. she has seen them 3 times in there life and believes she should be able to take them where ever when she finally gets reintroduced to them i never thought a person could continually put people down and think its ok. in the back of my mind i know its a game and she aint going to win!!
lovelife240's picture
lovelife240
your mother will regret this one day when its too late, hope she makes aturn around. not sure how some people can be so heartless.
DD's picture
DD
There is nothing to do. Do your part in being a responsible adult, treating others as you would, be treated. Your mother in law will deal with her actions. We never know what someone is thinking, it could be from meanness or maybe she feels her other children need her more or maybe your spouse was always more independant. We never know for sure. I have been dealing with this for 18 years, and have tried many different approaches to create closeness. If someone isn't close or doesn't want to be, we cannot force it, it is not necessarily a fault of ours. I still have to "let it go" when i get bothered by the differences and in the way my children have been ignored. It's unfortunate and part of my life. Let it be a part of your life to make you and your family for the better. That is all there is to do.
adelinema2009@gmail.com's picture
adelinema2009@g...
Perhaps you need to look at your relationship with your mother in law Its natural for your in law to be close to her own daughter and her kids When I look at my own family, my sister and I do all we can for our mom. We try to see her regularly, help out with tasks and medical appointments and have given her money regularly since she has retired. Actually when my mom comes to visit us I always foot all the expenses. As she is my mom and worked hard to raise me, so its the least that I can do! With my sister in law ( my brother's wife), she's doesnt have the same kind of relationship with our mom. Im sure she treats her own mom equally well but she doesnt have the financial or moral obligation towards our mom as my sister and I do. I believe one has to try to not just look at your own side of the story Good Luck!
adelinema2009@gmail.com's picture
adelinema2009@g...
Perhaps you need to look at your relationship with your mother in law Its natural for your in law to be close to her own daughter and her kids When I look at my own family, my sister and I do all we can for our mom. We try to see her regularly, help out with tasks and medical appointments and have given her money regularly since she has retired. Actually when my mom comes to visit us I always foot all the expenses. As she is my mom and worked hard to raise me, so its the least that I can do! With my sister in law ( my brother's wife), she's doesnt have the same kind of relationship with our mom. Im sure she treats her own mom equally well but she doesnt have the financial or moral obligation towards our mom as my sister and I do. I believe one has to try to not just look at your own side of the story Good Luck!