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is it always your fault?
Maybe, maybe not. I didn't believe in the diagnosis Oppositional Defiance Disorder, until my own child was diagnosed with it.
I know that children need continuity, a schedule that is familiar, comfortable and a parent who means what they say, every single time they say it.
I have learned that kids NEED to be guided, and in our society, our generation (and each generation has it's parenting flops) we've induced a generation of me kids. Kids who think the world revolves around them, that other peoples feelings don't matter and that they have a choice, or a say, in what their life course will be.
But do they 'really' have a say in what their life course will be? Yes and no, really as children they are at mercy to what our lives are. They live under us, not equal to us. It is not up to a child to decide whether or not this is appropriate discipline for this or that behavior. Rules need to be clearly defined and then strictly followed. Along with time, love, real time, like at least once a week, one to one time doing something you both enjoy and just enjoying it together, no school stuff etc. just building the respectful relationship together with each other. Learn to respect one another...

All of this is just my guess, my thoughts and really I do not REALLY know for sure. It is just what I feel.
And keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Good luck!

I too have a 11year old that is constantly in trouble at school, I have tried everything from reasoning with him and explaining that his actions have consequences, he is struggling getting friends because the kids say he is psycho because of his mood swings. He is absolutely defiant and refuses to listen, constantly arguing with everyone at home, slowly the family is breaking up, we love him but we are really frustrated and at the end of the rope. Can someone help us!!!!!!

First step is to work with the teachers to identify what is going on when these incidents happen in school. Does it happen with certain kids, and what is happening exactly when your son he is being treated badly? After narrowing down the triggers, I would suggest meeting with the teacher, school social worker, and your son to talk about what you all see happening and suggest "pro-social" ways he can "get what he wants." Also, think about whether you can encourage play dates at home. Then he can have practice with peers one on one, where he can be more in control of the situation. If your son continues to have trouble controlling his anger, read more on my blog or book: Your child is defiant. Hope this helps, Drdave