Host Marti's picture
Host Marti

Welcome to the new Grandparents board

Hey All

 

Welcome to the new grandparents board--this is a great place for all the grandparents to talk about whatever issues you want to talk about.

 

Are any of you raising your grandchildren?  There are more grandparents rearing grandchildren than ever before.

 

Do you disagree with your children about how they are rearing your grandchildren?

 

Do you have some bragging to do about your wonderful grandchildren?

 

Come on, let's hear from the grandparents in the group!

 

Marti



jaydensg-ma's picture
jaydensg-ma

It seems as if my daughter has turned into this total stranger, someone I don't even recognize since she's had her two boys. Is she deliberately trying to be the exact opposite of me?

mojomc's picture
mojomc

I am a 55 yr. old grandmother raising my youngest son's daughter. My granddaughter's parents are;  Dad, 32 years, Mom, 28 years old! But Mom does have 5 other children, all have different daddies. This is my son's only child, that we know of.   We, being my husband and I,  have had legal guardianship since she was right at 2 years old. We had a year of waiting/court investagation and all before they gave us permanant legal guardianship over her. In that years time her parents popped in and out of her life. Now her birth mother has not seen her going on 3 years and she hasn't even called her since Jan. 2007 (this year)! We'll call my granddaughter "A" ok. "A's" father is the one that normally calls her about every two to three weeks. He saw her a little over a year ago.  "A's" birth parents live in two seperate states, not anywhere near us. We live yet in another state, quite a ways from both of them.  She is diagnosed with RAD, reactive attachment disorder, ODD, oppositional defiant disorder, ADHD, Attention deficiant/hyperactive disorder and PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. My granddaughter did not have the bonding and love that a little baby needs from her birth parents when she was born up to when we got her, therefore the reason for most of her diagnoses. Are there any grandparents raising their grandchildren with any of these diagnosess? There are days I wonder if I'll last to see her grow up due to her terrible behavior. She fights, kicks, screams, calls us names, you name it, she'll do it to us. The doctors tell us that is part of the "bonding" reactive attachment disorder, and ADHD coming out. She loves to "hate" the ones that she loves the most. She is on medications, but nothing seems to work. She does see an attachment therapist and a child psychiatrist monthly. Again, nothing we have done has really helped. If things don't go her way, she makes the entire house rock with her raging. Can anyone offer any kind of suggestions? We really love this little girl and will never give up on her. She does call us mommy and daddy, but she is aware she has birth-parents and siblings she doesn't  get to see. This is not our choice, but her mom's choice. We don't get child support, even though it's ordered because dad is always quiting his job, saying he can't work. Mom feels if "Dad" is the one court appointed to pay child support, then she shouldn't have to pay anything. Hope to hear from someone out there.

lizmeese's picture
lizmeese

I have 3 granddaughters but I lost my son in january and my daughter-in-law wont let us see them. we always had them when my son was alive but she no longer wants anything to do with us. They are 15, 9 and 8 and we are missing them a lot. I don know if this is the right place to chat about them.

yaya1281's picture
yaya1281

lizmeese,

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your son, I too lost my daughter in 2004.  My Granddaughter's father came to us the day after my daughter's services and took the baby.  (We had been helping my daughter raise her.)  We went to a lawyer and were informed we had no rights to her as her mom left no instructions.  We were told that we would need to go to court and seek visitation.  We could maybe hope to have her once a month.  Before this happened, the father was charged with driving under the influence and child endangerment.  (we had been afraid of this happening)  DSS took our granddaugher from him and gave her to us.  After 2 years of having her with us and his not visiting or calling as a GOOD parent would do, we had enough.  We hired a lawyer and went after her.  We kept thorough records of his visits and calls.  I am pleased to say we now have permanant custody.  Her father gets her once a week and everyother weekend.  This arrangement has worked well for all of us.  Dad, our granddaughter and us.   Please don't give up.

tiebreaker's picture
tiebreaker

ive never once  had bad words with my oldest daughter, but she wont have anything to do with our family she has twins and an older boy we used to see them for a few months then she would not let us see them this has happened all there lives. they did not know what to think. in the end for there sakes i had to withdraw it was breaking my heart. and now i dont see them at all. i love them all but this does not mean a lot to her. her sister does not see them and she wont reconise her sisters own children. she has a problem and knows it but wont sort it out. one day the boys will be older and they will come to see us hopefully untill then my reward is that they are happy.

tiebreaker's picture
tiebreaker

I have a daughter shes 40. she has 3 children eleven year old twin boys and a fourteen year old boy.she keeps them to herself none of my family see them or her, we try she lets us see them on ocasions that have suited her in the past and then we dont see them for ages this was making me ill. and for the sake of the kiddies i had to call it a day. she has isolated herself since she had a breakdown in her twenties. he husband has to do as hes told. i feel she is pulling the strings and we all have to jump. i have stopped jumping now. i send b.day presents and xmas presents. and receave a short text thankyou. this is the only contact i have i am not the only one so it isint personal. ive tried everything it makes no sence there is no explanation on her part. and she wont discuss it with me. what do you sugest i do .she has cut off her sister and her children and her husband is controled by her, she has completly split my family down the middle she knows i love her and it hurts.

Gigi's picture
Gigi

I am probably going to take some flack for this one folks.  I have to mention it though.  Those children who don't allow their children to come to your home could very well have very legitimate concerns about letting them do so.  When my son was eleven he was fondled by an uncle he trusted.  They were always going and doing things together.  He never told us about it.  He just began to refuse to go to family gatherings where his uncle would be.  He finally got really angry at me for insisting he go to one when he was about 16 and blurted out the entire story.

None of us want to accept that there could ever be anyone in our family doing something like that to a child.  However, we live in the real world and know that kind of thing happens even in the "best" families.

Now, I am not suggesting that it has happened only saying that it could be something along those lines or similar to it that cause them not to allow them to visit.  Maybe it could even go back to their own childhood and something that happened and they are afraid the same thing will happen to their child. 

Try talking to your child and saying you know if something happened that you never told me about I am hear to listen.  Make sure that they understand that you can do nothing to fix the "problem" if you don't know what the problem may be.

For those who have lost a child and the son or daughter -in-law just doesn't allow the Grands to visit I would suggest exhausting every effort to let them know that although your child has been taken his/her children are still a part of your family and have a right to see you and you to see them.  If that does not work try going thru the court systems.

 

good luck

 

rolypoly's picture
rolypoly

I really feel for these grandparents particularly the ones who have lost not only a child but contact with the grandchildren too.

The grandparentswith the little girl who has problems.  You are to be admired, keep up the loving and be kind to yourself too as you will need a rest to charge your batteries so you can raise this little girl.

I thought that being a grandparent would be the most wonderful experience but due to a daughter in law who didn't want us to get involved and who won't speak to us we seldom see the grandchildren although they live reasonably close.  It has made the golden retirement we dreamed of  at times just hell and we have been so kind to her, our son and the children. I am just recovering from the grief  and it has been roughly 3 years since she began her vendetta.

gail Hanson's picture
gail Hanson

I looked on this message board thinking it would be a brag-site, where you could get away with "aren't my grandkids the cutest, smartest, sweetest."  Instead I find the most poignant, agonizing problems. 

Jaydensg-ma.  She might be trying to be the exact opposite of you.  And you can't really influence her directly right now.  Try to be patient and constantly inviting, so that when she works through this, and it might take a lifetime, but when she does, you can have a good relationship.

anshufang's picture
anshufang

The main thing she really needs is the parents' love, if you can find some young couples play with her often, I think she will be fine.