angieree25's picture

My mother called my daughter a little B****

My mother is visiting from out of state and I see her about twice a year. The other day, she called my 9 year old daughter a little B**ch out of frustration when they were cooking in the kitchen. I feel so conflicted. My first reaction was to be hurt myself. I told her it was uncalled for, and she admitted this and apologized to my daughter, and we all continued with the family gathering, as I did not want to cause any conflict. My problem is that I am too nice, and especially to my mother, since she has been there for me during some of my toughest times, my first reaction was to assume she didnt mean it and loves my daugher as her own. She's said those things to my sister and I before, so I was able to let it go, so I thought. Howevver, My husband is very upset about it and has caused me to think about it more. She is her grandmother, not her mother, and has no right, especially when she sees her twice a year. But his reasons for being angry are different. He does not know her like I do, and doesnt think my mom has unconditional love for our daughter, like I do. He thinks that she is prejudiced towards our daughter becuase her skin complexion is darker than our son's and she resembles him, where my son resembles me(my mom is white, and I am half white and black) I know that is not the reason. If anything, it could be becuase my mother never had a boy. I admit, my daughter can be difficult sometimes, but what pre-teen girl isnt? Initially, I partly blamed it on myself beacuse my mom made me feel like I havent been teaching her to respect her elders. Now, I just feel as thought I have been a horrible mother for not standing up against my mother for my daughter in the first place, and feel I need to protect my daughter from her. I felt like a child myslef that day. I just chose to believe she didnt mean it, and even if my husband is wrong about her not loving our daughter, and she didnt mean it, it still does not give my mother the right to talk to my kids that way, nor apologize it away, and think everything is fine. I felt since she is my mother, I owed her some respect, but I am not a child anymore, and now the anger is building up. She leaves in a couple days, and my husband does not want her to come back to our house again on her way out. I havent mentioned anything else about this to her, but I am angry and in the middle. What should I do? my mother feels bad. My husband is livid and likely to stay that way.

tamz's picture

I would say that you did address your mothers inappropriate comment by saying it was uncalled for. Your mother apologized and you accepted her apology. Leave it alone...

If you can't get past this, then calmly talk with your mother and explain how much the incident hurt you, your husband and your daughter. Tell her you accepted her apology, but in the future, you want to make sure she demonstrates proper respect for your children and husband when she is in your home.

I would still allow her to come by your home on her way out. She will always be your mother and you should give her some grace here. She knows what she said was wrong and that is why she apologized. Give her a chance to redeem herself and demonstrate love and respect for your family.

acitez's picture

I think your husband is upset about other things too, and this has just provided him an excuse to be mad.

Let your husband process all the things he is angry about. He might still be angry that your mom spoke that way to you, even if it was before he knew you.

That your mom apologized is fine, but she does have a pattern of calling little girls that thing. Your husband is afraid for your daughters. I bet that is why he is angry.