Beca's picture
Beca

Holidays with the inlaws help

Hi im new to this site and not sure how it works but could really do with some advice please,im gun give bit of back ground so its not so confusing.last year I went on holiday with my husband 2 children at the time our youngest was a baby and our eldest 5, and my husbands parents and niece who at the time was 4. His niece was awfull to our daughter of 5.tryin to get her into trouble for things I know she didnt do, rubbing it in her face that she had things my daughter didnt if things didnt go her way it was an almighty tantrum and head ache for everyone,any time my daughter had some thing she didnt she would get nasty and push her about or break what she had , also everythin had to be a comp she always had to be better than my daughter constantly sayin mine is better than hers isnt it nan she also tryed pushing her down the stairs on one occasion I bought them both a little somethin from the shop and she said she didnt want hers she wanted my daughters . Is it just me or does she sound like a brat? Even worse tho it was really frustrating becoz she never got disaplined for her bad behaviour and if I stepped in id get that look of my mother inlaw. Now not alot has changed if anythin my mum inlaw thinks the child is an angel and no one matches up to her she spends 3 to 4 days a week with her my kids are lucky if they see her 1ce every 2wks. They have invited us to come again this year but not sure how to deal with the niece being like that if it happens again but dont see why we Shouldnt go coz our kids deserve a holiday 2 and are well disaplined so well behaved not angels but not spoilt brats,dont see why they should miss out on time with grandparents either. Not sure what to do. Help



mayamay's picture
mayamay

One of the pluses of having extended family is that you learn to put your family's needs in perspective. Of course you are more interested in your own children--they need somebody with their happiness as a priority.

Invite your mother-in-law to come visit you for some special time with your kids. Perhaps a day at the zoo with you paying the entry fee and providing the picnic. Have a holiday--apart from extended family.

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

Exactally! Your children don't need to be exposed to all that negativity.

Beca's picture
Beca

I would but she would bring our niece with her,i dont understand why they cant have 1on 1 but then she complains they arent interested in her but its because she always has my niece and if I invite her over she makes a point of bringing her with her. I cant say not to bring her else it would be as if id just swore at her.you see the holiday is for 2wks and my niece goes with her mum for 1st week then we go with our kids for 2nd but my niece is still there and her mum goes home. And everytime she is mean all we get is , well she is only 3 she is only 4 she is only 5 and so on but if my daughter had done somethin like she had she wouldnt of hesitated to give her a good telling of becoz she has done it before and we went for tea the other nite we were all there inc my niece and my kids didnt even get shared attention let alone 1on 1 its drivin me nuts I would make a stand but my husband would be upset if it resulted in arguments I dont want that to happen.im suffering with dep stress and anxity so could do with the hol just dreading the niece

Beca's picture
Beca

I know it sound awfull doesnt it.i think I spent most of last holiday on edge and stressed coz I was the only one lookin out for my daughters best interests,we went for walks alone with her lil brother in his pram,im just tired of my kids feeling like they are not as important as my niece. When we came back of our last holiday I sat with my daughter and explained things so she could understand why she was disaplined and my niece is not and that im not mean I just want the best for her im so frustrated but not sure how to go about it with out causing conflict and upseting ppl too much, they are overly protective of my niece no one can say a bad word against her

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

Your children and their safety come first. You're their mother, and no matter what anyone else says or doesn't say, it's your job to do what's best for your children. I understand that this niece is younger, but that's no excuse for her to be pushing your children around. It's obvious that she's not getting reprimanded for her behavior, and that's why she continues to act this way. If you see this girl push one of your children and no one tells her that's not ok, it's your job to stop her. What are you going to do? Are you going to wait til your daughter is hurt before you intervene? I don't care if your MIL gives you a look. If your daughter gets pushed down the stairs and breaks her arm are you going to think, well at least my MIL isn't upset w/ me? Come on, really. Step up to the plate and intervene before someone gets really hurt. I would also teach your daughter to stand up for herself. It seems like she isn't saying or doing anything about the situation. I'm not saying she shld push a 3 yr old back, but she shld definitely know enough to put this girl in her place. This girl needs to learn that behaving this way is not ok. If your MIL disapproves of your way of handling this, so be it. It's not her children. I totally understand you not wanting any friction w/ your in-laws, but you have to make them understand where you're coming from as well. If they can't understand that, something's seriously wrong. Visit w/ your in-laws or invite them over to your house, but only under the circumstances you set. Explain to them that you want to spend time w/ the ENTIRE family but that you won't if it's a risk to your children. Also explain that you will do whatever you have to to protect your children regardless of how it makes others feel. Tell them that if no one else is willing to reprimand this little girl, you will have no choice but to take matters into your own hands.
#1: Protect your children from getting hurt
#2: Set the ground rules and stick to them
#3: Don't worry about what others think
#4: If others don't want to comply, stay
away from them

Beca's picture
Beca

The niece is 5 now and my daughter 6.i avoid them if I can,i get invited to days out with them but with niece too so I say no, I have told my partner we need to stick up for our kids as a united front instead of me being the evil out cast becoz I have disaplined her myself before and it didnt go down too well. Lol my partner has already agreed to go on holiday this year just hope its better than the last do you think settin rules for our selfs and our kids would help?its like my partner didnt really let us buy somethin for kids with out buying for niece but I told him this year I dont care she isnt our kid and she needs to learn that if my daughter has it doesnt mean she has to.doesnt help that they get the same stuff from mil every xmas and when she buys for our kids she buys for niece but if she buys for niece she doesnt buy for our kids, not sure if I should just give up where they are concerned and stop caring . I wont be mean or hostile rude just normal but set my own boundries?

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

It sounds like you are a mother who cares about her child's feelings and safety. A similar situation has developed in my d-i-l's family that is at the point where many family and extended family members, including my entire family, will not attend any family functions that the offending child is attending. My son and d-i-l have had to resort to hosting separate get-togethers to which the child and her parents are not invited. All this because the parents of the child and both of the child's grandmothers (one is my d-i-l's mother) refuse to recognize or positively address the child's negative behaviors. You may have to resort to doing the same to protect your children and reduce your current stress and frustration.

Beca's picture
Beca

Yes I feel this might be a good idea, as a child i was bullied at school because my father was ill and my mum had to care for him she had a few small jobs but couldnt afford alot I just dont want my daughter at such a small age to feel the way I did.thankyou all for your advise I will take it on board and put it to good use :-)