nonemptynester's picture
nonemptynester

HELP! I have a full house

Time to vent to others who can be objective. My 28 year old daughter with two boys 7 and 5 have not choice to live with us since she works but cannot afford to rent a place of her own. We are drving each other crazy more and more. I am an outcast in my group of peers because their children are happily married and live away and I am insanely jealous. I HATE MY SON IN LAW WITH A PASSION not for leaving her, but for not giving a flying flip about his kids and paying when he wants to . Last hearing the judge told him in a conference call to get a job and pay. I don't know what causes my anger more , the crap he is pulling or the fact that I cannot have an empty nest that I should have at the age of 55 since I paid my full dues sacrificing my life and needs and theirs. I will stop there and continue if someone will respoond......it is so bad I have to take Xanax each time I watch them now.....please help me.....I work full time and hate to come home! When weekends roll around I aske "is it Monday yet" and on Fridays I cringe at the weekends.. please help me, I need prayer and all of this has caused me to alienate my best child hood friend who has told me I really need to get my act together....she means well though and she is right. PLEASE HELP ME! ....I am desperate and sometimes wish I were dead!



mommaofmany's picture
mommaofmany
You are not the only one in this world that has grown children and the grandchildren living with them. The attitude that you have about 'paying your dues and sacrificed your life and needs'-frankly, that attitude makes me ill. When you start a family it, should not be the mentality of-18 and they're gone! You're taking your anger for your son-in-law and projecting it on your completely innocent grandchildren, whom you should love and cherish. How do you think they feel? On the weekends, plan fun things to do. Have FUN, play games with them-children are not a scourge. They are not to be reviled or hated. Love your children and grandchildren-they are a blessing and will be in your old age...as far as your friends "alienating" you-what kind of friends are they? Children aren't 'things' 'objects' or something to do/have...that's why are children are being abused, mistreated-instead of being loved and cherished.
mayamay's picture
mayamay
Get yourself a gym membership, or take yourself out for a nice long walk after work, so you can de-stress before you have to get into it with the grandkids. Also, get your daughter into the mindset of improving her job skills so that she can raise her income. This might mean that you have even more responsibility in the short term if she goes to night school.
junieg's picture
junieg
I am feeling very sorry for your daughter as she must feel like such a burden. This won't help your grandchildren either. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get stuck in to helping her to improve her life and get away from you. As for empty nest Syndrome, it's not all it's cracked up to be and you will miss them very much when they go. Enjoy your time with your grandchildren now while you can. You are a lot luckier than some people.
Peg's picture
Peg
OMG "non-emptynester" , Grandma-Nana-Mimi-Meema--or whatever those precious children call you! My daughter, husband & new grandchild live up the street from me, so I can't reply to the 'crowded' feeling you have with all of them living with you. As a single woman, in a big house---living alone---I can tell you for sure that an empty house, without the noise of kids & family is far more unpleasant than the chaos caused by having your daughter & kids with you. For Lord's sake...be happy that your daughter is able to 'keep it together" even if it is with YOUR help. Thank GOD her kids are healthy, nobody with a disability, and the dirtbag ex---the world is full of them. Your daughter will find a way, but did you REALLY think motherhood ever ended?
nonemptynester's picture
nonemptynester
I just want to say that I was very stressed that evening.....worked all day, had almost no time to wind down after a nine hour day.....I love my family I truly do. My anger towards my son in law and my putting him down just makes my daughter look like a better person. If she could move she would, but no apartments or landlords will take her with the money she makes. She has no one but me to watch the kids if she takes a night job. I try to encourage her to do online classes. I love the boys...that night they were fighting, not listening to me, therefore I sound off about it versus deal with it. They have been with us for over seven years, minus five months they spent in Iowa when the sperm donor father could not keep a job.
nonemptynester's picture
nonemptynester
Part two---Then he could not decide what do when he grew up. Then they separated for a few months, then reconciled and number two came along. This guy was straight as an arrow when in the Navy. My husband is retired Navy man who now drives a truck after almost 15 years in the I.T. field. My son in law beat the older one, smacked him when he did not eat his dinner. He all but beat his rear end one night when the little guy (then almost three, now seven) was afraid of a thunderstorm and wanted to sleep with them. He verbally and mentally abused my daughter. Now she has pulled her boot straps up and works and figures if he keeps on stringing along the child support, he will end up in jail. And we know what happens to deadbeat dads in jail! She gets exhausted..but she knows she is all they have and and they have me too.....I do a lot to help emotionally support the kids as well.
nonemptynester's picture
nonemptynester
Part three. She cannot get assistance makes too much money, but not enough to live onher own. was told to quit her job then she and the kids would have it all living on welfare..NOT! So please do not take me for the bad guy or my daughter for the bad person. I have more resentment to this situation and society for these no-good idiots who skim the system. I thank you for your comments, I am not upset I just had not been in my happy place that night...God Bless..have a good weekend all..
junieg's picture
junieg
I am sorry if I came over so harshly. We all have bad days. I am not an empty-nester yet, still have youngest [22] at home. However, due to circumstances in my past [another drunken abuser I called husband for 22 years!]I lost my home and my late teenage children [19,18,17] all had to leave home together to start a new life for themselves . I just had my four year old baby to keep me going. It was a very difficult time. Hope everything works out for you all in the end.
KIDDYDAD's picture
KIDDYDAD
So refreshing reading nonemptynester's afterthoughts.Junieg's graciousness a rarity. As the sage said, other things may change us but we start and end with family.