Lucyloowho39's picture

Grandma smoked pot with my child

It has recently been brought to mine and my husbands attention that when our oldest daughter, who is 20 now, confessed that when she was 17 her grandmother on several occasions got our daughter and a friend of hers to purchase and bring to her large quantities of pot, in exchange she would buy our daughter cigarettes, and also on several occasions smoked pot with our child. Our child would have gone to jail had she got caught with this amount of drugs! My mother in law has been a terrible grandmother, to say the least, to our children through the years. I have done nothing but try to get along with my MIL, I have prayed countless times for her and I to have a good relationship but nothing has changed this woman in 25 years. She has "forgotten" our childrens birthdays, she ALWAYS does more for her other grandchildren. She never babysat for us just to have an hour break, but yet babysits for the others all the time. She refused to come see our youngest get baptized, her first grandchild to get baptized! At Christmas she showers the others with gifts while my kids are lucky to get a $10 sweater. We have 3 children, our son is 24, and daughters 20 and 16. My husband has 3 brothers, 2 which between them have 3 biological kids and 1 stepchild, while his youngest brother has 2 step daughters. I have tried everything to make her a part of our lives! But she goes out of her way to do things for the others, buys her other sons birthday presents while my husband is lucky to get a phone call. The list goes on and on and on of the things she has done to show obvious partiality. Our youngest has asked "why does grandma hate us"... What do you say to that? And now that we have been told about her doing drugs with our daughter, who thank God is not on drugs and has just gotten engaged to an awesome young man, but now we are stuck... What do we do? Almost 25 years of her not even being what a grandmother should be, and my daughter saying she did these things just trying to have some kind of relationship with her grandmother which of course got her no where, grandma didn't even wish her a Happy birthday this year. I give up! She has caused my children and myself enough heartache that I've told my husband I am DONE with her. I don't even think we should go to Christmas at his families, our kids don't want to go. Our kids are tired of the way she does our family. But my husband doesn't even know how to confront her, and says we can't just simply not show up. Any advice would be appreciated.... What would any of you do??

acitez's picture

You don't just "not show up." You write a civil note that says you are unfortunately unable to attend. You don't offer that you have alternative plans, you don't offer any other explanation. However, if your husband has any minor nieces/nephews, he should privately tell their parents about your daughter's experience. It is not his obligation to make them believe him, they probably won't. Also, is there a reason not to file a complaint? The police should investigate this so it is on record. They may not be able to prosecute because there is no evidence, but a complaint should be lodged.

2xstepmom's picture

It is difficult when a grandparent shows favoritism. Unfortunately when this happens it is nearly impossible to find a satisfactory way to explain it to the grandchildren. My mother is much like your m-i-l (minus the pot smoking) though I never asked, expected or wanted her to spend any time with my children without me present. She barely acknowledges my children and practically raised my older nieces and nephews and continues to give them gifts. I have taught my children to consider the source and you may have to do this with your children.

Your husband does have an obligation to tell his siblings about the illegal activites of his mother. They have the right to know she is involved in these activities, what they choose to do with the information is up to them.

Just because one is related to a person does not mean you must socialize with that person. You and your husband need to come to an agreement over the issue of holidays and or visits. A confrontation with his mother would just cause more division in the family. Best wishes to you and your husband in dealing with this difficult situation.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

It's unfortunate that you can't expose your children to their grandmother b/c she shld be an important person in their lives. It's possible to talk about the favoritism issue, but it's unexcusable to accept the drug issue, especially when it directly involves your kids. I wld tell this woman right out that you will never allow your children to be exposed to such an environment again. Unless she cleans up her act and proves to be a responsible adult, you'd be crazy to allow them to have a relationship w/ their grandmother. You don't have to make excuses or avoid confrontations. If your MIL wants her grandchildren in her life, she will know what you expect from her. One talk, clear and to the pt. That's it.