When Do You Know When to Say I'm Done!?
I'm kinda in a limbo situation in my life right now making the best I can of every day hoping things are really going to get better like my husband promised. I dont know where to even begin and it would be way too long of a story to get into detail. But I feel like I'm ready to go nuts with it and have to vent and get others feedback...
I am a stay at home mom/house-wife right now taking care of my 2 children, boys ages 12 and 14,who I recently got full-custody of. And my step-daughter who is 8 years old. I also help my husband on remodeling/construction jobs he may have as well.
I am losing my patience with my situation though. My husband and I have been married 1 1/2 years now. Its been rocky from the beginning and I'm trying to do all I can to make it work, but I'm gettin tired and worn. A couple weeks after we married, I found out that he cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend the 1st couple months we were together. He said he was confused and he would never do it again. So since we were already married, I decided to give him another chance. He hasnt cheated again that I know of, but I wonder because he's always breaking his neck to check out other girls when we are out together.I know its normal to notice someone, but not disrespectfully.
He also started drinking more than he did before we were married. After talking to some of his friends and family, he has always been known to drink everyday and heavily. So how did it escape my finding out? He did drink a few beers after work most days, and we would go out on weekends and we would drink when we didnt have our kids, but not as bad. And when he gets really drunk, he is verbally mean to everyone and a real smartellic. He has even told me to leave and he is done with me pretty much every time he does. When he finds me on the couch in the morning, he wonders why and says he doesnt remember and thinks i should overlook him because in his exact words, "I didnt know what I was saying and you know I love you". I dont buy it, but still I'm here. He comes home at random hours from work. He would also stop at bars on the way home from work most days last summer while I stayed home all day with his daughter. He hasnt done it this summer so far, but he does come home lit a few times a week from hanging out after work. He says I need to chill out because the bills are paid and I have nothing to worry about.
I saved money and I left last Fall and got my own apartment because I had enough and he promised to go to marriage counseling and slow down the drinking. So I came back. It lasted for a couple months then he went back to drinking everyday again. He just stopped drinking liquor. He says it would be different if he was mean all the time and says he works hard and should be able to drink beer in the evenings if he wants. He says he's home every evening now and I need to chill. He decided he didnt think marriage counseling would do any good because he has already worked things out. That I'm the only one who seems to have a problem with anything.
He can be very sweet and we have a lot of fun together because we share similar interests such as hunting, fishing, the outdoors, etc. I feel we are buddies a lot of the time though. Its like a roller coaster. One day he's talking to me, hugging and kissing me. Then another, hes ignoring me playing PS3 & phone games, talking on his phone, or zoning out into a TV show. Everyday though he only responds to about 3 out of 5 things I may say to him. He will act like he doesnt even hear me and he doesnt have a hearing impairment. We have been fighting more lately. I have been stressed out lately because of the added issues with the children misbehaving and keeping things together with them, but he doesnt want to hear about my frustrations when I try to talk to him. He says he goes out and makes the money and my job is the house and issue here. That he doesnt want to come home from work and deal with it. So I've been on edge, feeling alone. The only time we get along is if I keep my mouth shut about concerns or anything against what he thinks or says. I even had to get myself in check because I found myself making a drink or two to calm down every night after the kids went to bed for the past couple months. I saw the pattern and stopped it. Its hard because I am stressed, but I refuse to turn into an alcoholic. Its never been a problem with me and I'm not starting it now.
So, a couple days ago I told him I was tired of it and I cant keep going on like this. Life is way too short and its making me a nervous wreck all the time and cant be good for the kids either. He says all I gotta do is chill out. I told him that he doesnt have to be so rude and inconsiderate and I'm tired of begging for attention or even normal conversation. And that he's got to stop coming home lit from work. I have decided I'm not going to give him much more time. He said he loves me and that I'm the only one for him. And said that we just need to live and enjoy life and be a family and that he would do better and that I need to chill out and get along. Its been two days since. We havent fought any so far. He is still drinking, but I guess we will see how it goes.
I really am exhausted and don't have much hope. This is like a crazy mind game! Ugh:/