tigerlily13's picture
tigerlily13

Relationship with my mom

I am 17 yrs old and I know that at my age my relationship with my mom is never going to be perfect. That said I am going to try and be as objective as possible. I love my mom but I have always wanted a mom that was my friend. I know that it is probably impossible to be friends with the same person that punishes you because you can't talk to them in the same free way.

My mom's mom dies when she was very young so my mom never had a role model for how to raise my brother and I. I try to remember this but its not always easy. My mom holds on very hard to her old fashioned beliefs of how kids should act. When her dad said jump, she said how high (that kind of thing). This means that when she says jump and I say why? she takes it as a sign of disrespect. My mom did not grow up in a wealthy family but my dad became very successful after they married. As a result my brother and I are given things that my mom never was and no matter how grateful I am, I think she sees me as spoiled.

I know the way I see the world is far from perfect too. When I get mad I lose perspective because my emotions cloud my judgment and I tell myself that specific actions show some bigger problem that I have a write to be angry about. More than anything else, I am afraid of disapproval. I constantly need to seek approval, especially from my mom. Knowing or even suspecting that she doesn't approve of something I've done eats away at me and I cannot focus on anything until I feel that I've fully one that approval back. I also have a very long memory for things that I feel/felt were injustices to me that were never righted. Some of these are real others are petty. The problem is that because I never forget these things I have build up a resentment for my mom. I can't let these things go partly because of my personality and partly because I'm scared of how my mom reacts when I get mad.

Another problem is that my mom is undeniable neurotic, and I think because of my need to win everyone's approval I am very easily influenced. The point is that her being neurotic transfers to me. I don't like being afraid to do normal teenage things (not like drinking, drugs, and sex) but the way my mom sees the world has made me see danger in nearly everything. I don't want to turn into my mom but not seeing the world her way only results in her disapproval(she sees the way I see the world as a sign of my immaturity and rebellion), and I can't deal with that.

I don't want to see the world how she does but I can't handle knowing that she doesn't approve either and I don't want to hold all of this anger against her but I can't figure out how to move on. I guess I was just wondering if anyone had some advice.



junieg's picture
junieg

Would it be possible for you to sit down together and you tell her all that you have just told us? What about writing it all down if you can't face talking to her straight. I have done this in the past just to open lines of communication. Take it from there.

mayamay's picture
mayamay

It is reasonable for your mom to know where you will be and who you will be with. It is reasonable for you to have a curfew. It is reasonable for your mom to know the adults who will be chaperoning any gathering you are at. When you are an adult, if you are living at home it is still reasonable for your mom to know where you will be, who you are with, and when you will be home. Cell phones make this really easy. Text her.