Freya's picture

Relationship with Mom falling apart

I am going to try and make this short, but I am a 20 year old community college student that will be transferring to university in the fall. My parents are in pre-divorce part of divorce, haven't been served etc.

My mom left and is currently with the man she's been helping with special needs children's legal cases. He lives 45 miles away from where we are. She only comes by the house 2-3 times a month to check up on things and leaves. Doesn't stay there with my two brothers. She doesn't want to come back because she dislikes my dad.

She demands me to bring the boys over at least twice a week and it's hard enough with that while commuting to school and taking my brothers to and from school each day. I take care of them while my dad works. I am really tired of taking them over because I need time to study and it's stressful for me enough trying to get my brothers to go. My mom is taking my decision as an act of taking side and I can't get her to understand that I need time to rest. Before I used to be able to hang out with friends and do things I love, but I no longer can because I have taken her place as surrogate in the household. She tells me to cancel classes if its too stressful. My dad has tried to set up transportation with my mom but she refuses to work with dad and only me. I have set my boundries but my relationship with my mom has gone to dust.

At this point her actions are literally killing it.Is there anyway I can keep our relationship strong?

acitez's picture

Let your Dad be the one to take responsibility for the family. I believe that you want to help, but you cannot make it all go away. If your dad needs some help with the grocery shopping, make sure there is food that the boys can prepare for themselves in the house.

If she calls use your caller ID and don't answer the phone!
She's a smart woman, she'll figure out a way to visit the boys without your help.

You are 20 years old. Your own life is enough for you to do deal with.

It may be that for a time you will not be your mom's favorite person, but it sounds like that is already true.

I am so sorry.

2xstepmom's picture

More great advice from acitez.

Your mother has abdicated her mother role and is atempting to pass it on to you. Though it will be difficult, don't let her do this to you or your brothers. She is the adult and will only behave like one if forced to do so. You need to put yourself and your education first. Best of luck to you!

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

I agree w/ the other posters. This is between your mom and your dad, and by no means shld the responsibility of running a household and taking care of your brothers be put all on you. You can help out, yes, but frankly, this is not your problem to fix. Concentrate on school and getting through it. Help your dad when you can, but don't make this your life's priority. When my mom was sick w/ cancer, my dad simply cldn't handle it. Emotionally, and sometimes physically, he wasn't there for us, and a lot fell on me. I was about 18 at the time, also in college. Out of guilt and obligation, I left college to take care of my mom. My brother, at the time, was away at school and also emotionally unavailable. As a result, I was in and out of school, and unfortunately I never got my degree. I also missed out on a lot in my life. The only positive was that I got to spend a lot of time w/ my mom who I was very close to. Still, it was a difficult situation to be in. To this day, I resent my father for not being there for us. Your mom chose to leave. She needs to pick up the pieces and handle the consequences of her actions. If she wants to see you and your brothers, she will have to make more of an effort to do so. For her to suggest that you take time off of school to make her life easier is a really bad suggestion. Her hard feelings towards your dad shld have nothing to do w/ you, and it shldn't interfere w/ your relationship. If your mom continues to take advantage of you like this, I wld back off from her. If she really wants to come around, she'll find a way. I'm sorry about your situation. I truly hope in time things get easier for you.