j_winks's picture
j_winks

problems with my mother...

Ok so without typing 452 pages about my mother, I will just give you a couple examples and perhaps you all can help me figure out how to deal with it...and her...

My mother and I don't get along-but we are also very close. It is very odd. I mean I know that I am a catalyst because I DO in fact seek out her approval for many things...but I also believe that she trained me to do this from a young age. She was always a single mom and probably always wanted her children around...I don't know.

So anyhow, I've been having health issues--I have polycystic ovarian syndrome and hypothyroid (both of which cause me to be overweight and infertile presently) I have tried working out everyday and eating correctly but even the doctors say that without medication I will not be able to lose weight...medications will start next week) So right now I am proportioned quite well but I am still 5'4 and 190lbs. My chest is HUGE which accounts for some of the weight but all in all I am still considered obese (no matter how hard I try :-( ) BUT (and remember this is just an example of our relationship) (oh and my husband and I are trying to conceive) I told her yesterday that I never really wanted to get pregnant at this weight. I am afraid that my chest will get that much larger (I'm already like an F or something) and that with me being overweight already...that I will become extremely uncomfortable...and that I just wish I could lose weight first (which could take a really long time and I'm 28 and my hubs is 35)....so SHE says 'oh don't worry when you're pregnant all you'll wear is really baggy clothes anyway' and I'm like 'well I guess you haven't seen most maternity styles lately because most are cute fitted shirts and empire dresses and regular jeans and what not' and she goes 'no that's only what young girls that are pregnant wear. They show off their bellies and it is inappropriate and I HOPE you don't do one of those pregnancy photo shoots because they are all disgusting and in bad taste. (well I WAS planning on one because I think they're beautiful) and I said, well I don't know what you're expecting me to wear while I'm pregnant but I fully intend on dressing as cute as I can (even though I just KNOW I'll have to buy the biggest size crap) (ps about 4 years ago I weighed 125..so that just will tell you that I'm that much more unhappy with my current weight) So she tells me that no normal pregnant women dress cute and that all those fitted shirts are disgusting, etc...and that most pregnant women wear the XL-XXL stuff. I told her that she was wrong and that I have some girlfriends who literally did not need to buy maternity pants...which is 100% true...she proceeded to call me a liar and say that is 100% impossible...told me 'just wait--you won't buy anything but baggy shirts and sweat pants' .... well I'm pretty sure I'll have to attend a JOB and won't be able to wear those things.... then she left my apartment in a huff and said not to talk to her until I've decided not to lie about stuff???!!!!

I know this is long and boring but that is just one example. FOR INSTANCE---I got married august 15th...she wanted me to have my wedding outside in a park with paper plates and throw away cutlery....???? she said we could get the 'nice kind' that nobody would notice.... she wanted no DJ--just a few mixed CDS.... and that most people have weddings in their backyards...wanted me to find out how to keep my entire wedding (including everything) under $3000..... you can hardly get a freakin photographer for under $3000

just some examples....how can I deal with her anymore? she treats me like a kid at 28...if I don't text her EVERY night to say goodnight she sends 10 texts asking me if I'm murdered- or am I mad at her for something she didn't do- why am I not speaking to her...etc. so I finally will text her back and tell her I'm at a movie or something...and she makes me text her when I'm home safe (at 28 years old...with a husband) and if I don't, she freaks out and I wake up to 10 texts yelling at me that I didn't text her when I got home........

HELP



SnglDad's picture
SnglDad

Your mother is a control freak. She does things you do not like as a way of making you comply to her demands. If someone texted me so much, I would turn the phone off, and erase the message without reading them the next time I turned it on. You need to declare, and own your independence. The argument about maternity clothes were wasted words and emotion. We could have an argument about which color is prettier, but in the end it is really about personal choice and opinion. Your mother likes you to have your own opinion, as long as it is the same as hers. If you do not agree with her, you are against her. Thats just a miserable way to exist.

mayamay's picture
mayamay

If your mother was footing the bill, then she was setting the budget for the wedding. If you were footing the bill, then it was not her business. At 28, I hope you had savings of your own to spend on your wedding. As for the other issues, unless you married someone that you met while he was in prison, she really needs to back off. If you or she has a pastor, the pastor can talk to her about 'leaving and cleaving.' If you aren't religious, maybe you could still talk about that concept from faith traditions.

As I was thinking more, your mother may have an anxiety disorder. Her obsessing over your safety/failure to check in may be a symptom of OCD. I suppose the outdated, rigid notions of maternity fashion might be, too.