melede77's picture
melede77

Parents hate my fiance and don't want us to get married.

Hello All.  I really need some insite on this issue and am very open to any feedback.

I am 21 years old and have been with my boyfriend/fiance for 3 years this September.  I started dating him right out of highschool and haven't had a boyfriend since.  Just some background on myself, I graduated college when I was 20 with my 4 year business degree in Hotel Management.  Right now I am a front office supervisor making $15/hr and able to support myself if I needed to.  (I moved back in with my parents to help save money)  My fiance is 26 and will be graduated college this December with a degree in Graphic Design.  (He started college when he was 21 and I started college when I was 16).  Currently he is a movie theater floor manager making $10.50/hr and goes to school Mon-Thur.  He is also taking training classes at the movie theater to eventually become a booth manager or Asst. GM if he can't find a graphic design job.

My problem is my parents think he is a loser.  Right now he is living with his mom (I live with my parents and don't pay any rent).  Her house got forclosed on so they are renting a house.  He pays the utilies and some of the rent.  She is 45 years old, twice divorced and has two other sons that don't give her the time of day. 

My fiance bought and financed his own car and will be around 28-35K in school loan debt by the time he graduates.

My parents think at his age he should be more established and better off financially.  He didn't come from a privledged home.  His parents never gave him anything and he had to buy everything he's ever had himself and had to put himself through college.  I was lucky and got scholarships, but I still worked full time.

My parents think the only reason he is with me is because he wants to mooch off of me.  They think that I will be the breadwinner for the family and he won't work.  My boyfriend is the hardest working person I know.  He has held two jobs (except for the last couple months) since I've known him!  He even got his own business liscense so he could do contracting work on the side and eventually wants to open his own graphics business.

My parents think the marriage won't last because we grew up very differently.  I come from a well off family.  My parents have been married for almost 30yrs and I have a Christian background. 

My fiance came from a lower income, non educated, broken home.  But that is not his fault.  In my personal opinion he didn't have good parents.  He moved out when he was 16 and ended up getting arrested when he was 18 and has a criminal record which he is now trying to have expunged.  He has only this one incident and has nothing other than speeding tickets on his record.  He doesn't smoke, drink, do drugs, or have any tattoos.

My parents think that he is just using me for money and because I am a hard worker and goal oriented.

I love him because he is good to me.  He does his best to make me happy and makes a ton of sacrifices for the relationship.  He's never cheated on me and is always willing to work on the problems in our relationship instead of running away.  He makes me happy.

We split everything financially 50/50.  When we first started dating he paid for everything but now we split down the middle.  He also drives 90% of the time because I hate driving.

I know that he lacks certain things that bother my mom.  He isn't over gentleman and polite.  He can't stand my parents because they call him and his family white trash and claims they think they are better than him.

The only things I would like to have done before we get married are:

1. Finish school for him

2. Pay off credit card debt.  He has about $2000, and I have about $1600 to pay off.

3. Have a couple grand saved in the bank.

I think that is it.

My dad thinks that he should always pay for everything and that he should do EVERYTHING for me!  My dad does everything for my mom, and her dad did too.  My dad told me once that my mom thinks she could do stuff on her own, but she really can't.  Who wants to be like that?  My fiance doesn't have to do everything for me.  If I want his advice I ask, but I prefer to, and he lets me, make my own decisions.

For example, we went to Las Vegas and split the trip in half.  My dad says he never would've invitied my mom to Vegas and made her pay for it.  [filtered word]!  I wanted to go to Vegas so I paid for it!

I just don't get where they get these misconceptions from.  I don't give my fiance money.  I think the total I've loaned him in the 3 years we've been together is $600.  Half of that was for new tires for his car since he drives me around all the time.  I rather pay the money than have him in danger on the road.  (I also live 100 miles away so he drives to see me and I drive to see him)

Does my fiance sound like a bad person?  My mom told me that I'm nothing but a white trash whore the way I live my life.  Yes, we lived together for one year, and then I moved away and got a job.  When the lease was up on our apartment we stayed at him mom's house for three months until I got a better job.  I sleep with the guy, but we are responsible and careful and I've never been pregnant.

They think at my age I should be having fun and dating other people.  I don't want to date other people.  The thought of it makes me sick.  And being 21 is the best ever!  I love being legal...lol.  My mom always wanted me to travel the world and says I can't do that when I am married.  I don't know where she thinks I'm going to get all this money to travel the world with.

Since I've been dating my fiance we've been to NYC, Philadelphia, the Jersey shore, Vegas, and Atlanta.  I don't get it.

My parents told me I've disappointed them by choosing this guy and that they probably won't pay for a wedding.  They are saying I'm cheating my self out of the best years of my life if I get married.  I want to share these years with him though.  Is that so bad?



acitez's picture
acitez

I think your parents would have trouble with any guy that you had a sexual relationship with outside of marriage, their problem is with you, not him. Those three goals that you listed for before marriage make sense to me.

As far as your parents not paying for the wedding--they don't have to. It isn't a legal or moral obligation, or even a cultural one if you have already had a sexual relationship with the guy. You are an adult, you don't legally need their permission to marry the guy, if you weren't sponging off of them they would have less to say about how you spend your time and money. All the trips say to me that paying off credit card and student debt is not a priority for either of you.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

Your parents have been there, and through their experiences, they feel it's their job to guide you. I'm sure they have your best interests at heart. I don't think it's fair that they judge your fiance based on his upbringing or financial status. It sounds like he's working at getting a degree to get a better job. Maybe b/c your parents see you as young, they feel you need to experience more out of life before you decide to get married. You're only 21. Is it possible for you and your fiance to extend your engagement for another 2 yrs or so? I believe 3 yrs is a good length of time to get to know a person, and I'm sure you love your fiance very much. But maybe you can compromise by waiting a little while until you both get established in your jobs, and you pay off any debt that you both have. This way you can start fresh, and if things are still going strong in your relationship, then by all means take the plunge!
I think if your parents wld be a bit more open minded, and not worry about money so much, they will see that this man makes you happy. That's really what matters.
Give it some time, and good luck to you both!

Rivkahree's picture
Rivkahree

I just came upon this post while doing a search. I see it's four months old but I just wanted to give my input as a practicing Christian.

If your parents are Christians, I can see how they think you shouldn't be living together, but calling your fiance' white trash is very unChristian of them. Unless they are so called Christians in some truly non-Christian religion. Also, thinking they are better than anybody is not a Christian belief. If that is the case, than I guess they would have to call Jesus white trash too. He lived a very simple life and He is a Christian's example of godliness that Christians should follow. There's nothing wrong with having money, but to make that money one's god is wrong because it sets the person's standards for what is right and wrong rather than allowing God Himself to do that. It sounds like you don't have the Christian conviction since you don't think living together is wrong, so are you just trying to please your parents? Your fiance' sounds like a very responsible young man. His background and hardships growing up don't have anything to do with him being good or bad. It's his character that matters, his morals, your love for each other and your committment to each other. I hope your parents will see that in him and stop treating him so badly, and do a check on the condition of their own hearts, allowing love to be the guiding factor rather than money.

chap3kids's picture
chap3kids

You sound like me 20 years ago in some respects. My parents didn't want me to marry my husband either. While each situation is different, overall, your parents do have your best interest at heart. Like you, I believed in "helping out" and sharing the expenses (Considered myself pretty modernized). Your parents have a valid point, as the head of the family your fiances should have the mindset of being able to take care of you (even if you can yourself. Otherwise, you set yourself and your fiance' up for the future expectation that everything will work that way. There are a lot of things to consider, his feelings about you being the sole breadwinner, there is some truth to men's psyche. How you start will be how things are, MAGNIFIED. I heard it before I got married, but because I was in love, I shoveled it under the rug and believe things would work themselves out. It is always best to be proactive than reactive! Sometimes there is some logistics in our parents thinking. If I had really opened my eyes to the truth of things and made wiser decisions (not living in the moment) I believe these 20 years would have been put to better use. Following your heart is not always wise in matters of relationships. The heart is deceptive...it feels what it feels at the moment.