Starshine's picture
Starshine

Need help with 8 yr old daughter!!

I don't know how to deal with her. She is wonderful at school; mostly A's, one B. Wonderful behavior except that she talks too much- not the worst thing she could do. But at home, it's different. She does great at her chores; she has 2 rms to clean and does them faster than her sister can clean one rm. She's a wonderful child in all that, but she is terrible in her attitude. I don't know if maybe I bring it out in her or what.

Example:

Her sister tells me she took her recorder. I ask her what she did with it. She says she doesn't have it. A search of her room finds it in her drawer and, of course, she says she didn't put it there. (She habitually lies, too, even if you see her do it, she'll say she didn't.) I tell her she needs to sit in time-out. She throws a fit. But mom, I swear I didn't do it. She's lying!! Stupid girl!!- to her sister, while she raises her fist and lunges at her. I tell her to go sit and she keeps on yelling, I didn't do it!! She's lying, I hate her, I hate you. I wish I was the only kid here. I'm going to kill you. This lasts for about 15 - 20 mins or until I've had it and she gets spanked. Her other sisters have been punished for stealing candy from the store or for knocking down a bush at the YMCA; they've been punished and had to make reparations; they may not like it but they never behave like this for any of it. She has to sit for 8 mins and she goes nuts!!

If anyone can offer suggestions about her attitude, temper control, or her lying, I would really appreciate it immensely.



earleybird's picture
earleybird

You mentioned that she had other siblings.  Where does she fit in meaning is she the oldest, middle child, or youngest?  Sounds like she is seeking negative attention.  She may need to have some one on one time to help validate who she is and that she is "loved" in a special way.  If she does well in school and at home is doing chores exceptionally, is she rewarded for this?  I would suggest that you sit down with her and establish a "contract" with her and be very specific (no loopholes) and outline every behavior you want to correct.  If she is successful in completing her part of the contract, she should be rewarded.  This works with our children.  I have a fifteen year old daughter and a twelve year old son and we have been very specific when it comes to attitudes toward family and adults.  The contract thing works because we defined what their responsibilites as children were and what we as parents are responsible for as it concerns the children.  If they violated the contract, things that are considered a privilege are taken away.  Privileges are anything outside of the basics, food, shelter, medical assistance and basic clothing needs!

Hope this helps!
susanc's picture
susanc

I agree, she is trying to get your attention, and the negative attention seems  to be working for her.I would also have a little talk with her regarding  her behavior. I would really reward the positive behavior. Put her in a position that she feels she is in charge of, tell her you are putting your trust in her and explain what that means. On the flip side, explain that lying will  not be tolerate. I also would explain that if she tells a lie, she will be in more trouble than if she just comes out and tells the truth.She is going to do things that are wrong, but you would like her to at least have the chance to correct it. I'm not for spanking. My husband would always write down on a piece of paper what the child did wrong, and they would have to repeat it till they got to the end.It worked well when our kids were younger, they also thought twice before making up a story or blaming someone else.When they got older it was computer time or extra work around the house. hope it helps.

gail Hanson's picture
gail Hanson

I haven't had any really defiant children, but my third child was deceptive and angry. We finally, after a couple of tries, found a therapist who dealt with attachment problems.  Seems that Jo hadn't really attached to me when she was little.  Family therapy put us back on track and now we love each other, have for about twelve years.