venus772's picture
venus772

'Is My Mother-in-law Jealous Of Me?'

Hello, I am a female who has this huge problem with my mil. She has said
the meanest comments to me. Like once I showed her a picture of me and
the first thing that comes out of her mouth is, ***** hair is longer
than your hair. Which isn't true at all. She seems to have this issue
about hair so much I can never understand her at all. For the record I
do have really long hair. I am mixed with Indian. My mil is full
African American. She has no trace of resembling any mixed race at all.
She once blurted out that my son had hair like hers, which again is
untrue. I never seem to make any comment about it at all. I need the
best advice there is in this situation. I need as many comments on this
subject as to why she says these things to me. I am very quiet and
mature. I don't see myself as all that. My self- esteem has been
brought down. I feel hurt and angry with her. I am always called
beautiful but since my mil has hurt me this bad I feel so ugly inside.
I know that noone should make you feel that low at all. They are not
worth the time. Please all comments are welcomed and appreciated! She
compared my hair to her own daughter and her daughter hair is shorter
than mines. Why would she say something that is untrue? Now she brags
to her best friend how long and pretty my hair is! What is up with this
fool woman?



Marion's picture
Marion

Hello Venus772,

The issue with your mil is her own. You should not make her issue your issue. Furthermore, you should not hand over the power to another individual to make you feel or do anything. In other words, what she thinks of you; whether she likes you or not should not be an issue for you ever. Of course you would feel better if the relationship between the two of you were a good one - but its not. So, your focus be on:

  1. Taking good care of yourself (and all that this means - spiritually, emotionally, physically)
  2. Loving your husband
  3. loving and caring for your children

You should not waste your time on your mil or anyone else who does not and cannot contribute love, encouragement, peace, and joy in your life. So my advice is to leave her alone. Be cordial and hospitible. Keep conversations short; but be kind. Limit (or eliminate) the opportunities that you give her to speak negativity into your life.

 

debonairone's picture
debonairone

Venus772, first I must commend you on reaching out to others on this topic... You are not the only person facing this problem...  Someone has already given some excellent advice on this matter, but from an African-American Male point of view, this is how I would want it handled...  As your husband, my biggest fear would be for wife and mom not to get along... The time will come when I will have to take a stand to preserve the peace in my home...  So, once I notice the issue (or my wife - you - bring it to my attention, I will have to find a way to let my mother know that what she is doing is childish and is disturbing me and my home...  Tough Love is the only way to put it...  If your husband does not stand up to his mother, then you must do it... As stated by someone else, be respectful, but determined...  You don't have to be belittled by her, you married your husband, not his mother...  Once you have mustered the courage to confront her, you will find that your relationship will be either better or the same... You can always kill her with kindness, that usually does the trick to get under someones skin, when all they want to do is persecute you...  Then maybe she'll ask what your problem is - and then you can tell her - because she asked for it...

cyberrosse's picture
cyberrosse

I am not sure if your mil lives with you or not. If she lives with you then you need to be honest with her and let her know that when she criticizes you it really hurts and you do not want to disrespect her. If she does not live with you, then I would ignore it unless you truly can't, then I would still speak to her. Saying bad things about your hair is truly nothing. I would not let it get to me. My mil has a thing about skin tones and we are not even AA, we are Mexicans. She is very dk brn, my children are from a previous marriage and they are light to fare-skinned. My husband's children are med-drk brn. His daughter is going to have a baby and she tells everyone "all I care is that the baby is not black" I told her why would the baby be black if the parents are Mexicans? She said "not race, color!" and then I looked at my husband. He understands that when I give him a certain look that means your mom is talking stupidities again and I need you to put a stop to it. My husband told her right away to please keep her comments to herself. I looked at her and shook my head and walked away. They are not my kids but that doesn't mean I don't feel for innocent babies who are not born yet and she is already putting them down if they come out dark. Who cares as long as they are healthy and complete? So you think your mil is mean just because she talks about your hair. Image if she talked about your kid's skin tone. Be grateful that your hair is all she picks at. Don't let it get to you, things could be worst and if you go to your husband for the hair situation he may feel it is very silly of both of you and just start visiting his mother with out you. You may not like that very much and will have problems with him and that will make your mil even happier.

This is my point of view.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

For yrs I've had problems getting along w/ my SIL and her loud obnoxious mouth. Once she told me that my hair was too long and that I needed to get it cut. I agree my hair was really long at that time, but I was growing it long for my wedding so I cld put it up that day. And what's it to her anyway? It's my hair for God's sake! Then she had the audacity to touch it and tell me, "At least it feels healthy." Ughhhh!!! And what's amazing about the whole thing is that she's no beauty queen. And her hair--it looks like a mullet! (No offense to those of you who have mullets.) Yes, it sounds so petty, but after hearing comment after comment, it gets annoying. I finally had to put her in her place which caused a whole new set of problems, but it did make me feel better.

ash_727's picture
ash_727

Well I am glad I'm not the only one with mil issues. One thing i've learned is do NOT let your inlaw walk all over you. I have a mother inlaw who thinks she can control me and my husband's marriage. If you don't say anything back to her face she will use that and walk all over you! So take my advice and stand up for yourself. She has no right to take over your life...

sen's picture
sen

I know these mils are ruining many peaceful soul.Newly married girls are extreamly sophosticated
and they cant bear so much pain.Mils treat them as low ranking employee.They criticize almost evrything.They interfere till an extent.They insult evry stuff which is related to your world.They may draw you towards Depression as you start to develop negative fealings.Girls you need to be very courageous and strong.Here you cant cry out an call your mumma.You have to face it alone and the more you will avoid the more happy you will be.....
Happy living and no more worries.

LorealRose's picture
LorealRose

Wow!, Ok so I'm not the only one, my biological mother has always done this....exactly what you described, I would wonder the same thing, if it was jealousy, I really believe it is. People want hair that is exotic and different. My dad had naturally straight hair growing up, I shampooed and styled his hair all the time. My mom would say, "No he doesn't have straight hair..." as a kid I thought she was jealous of his hair and my sister's and I as well. My mom had a Macy grey hair type that she hated. She would tell my sister and I that we had hair like hers and we just didn't, my dad had dark skin and Indian like hair, straight,it would give a slight wave pattern with a little curling mousse. Denial is a sign of jealousy, don't worry about her,you are the mature one, it's not worth you being stressed over.

pel's picture
pel
your mil has issues, and you are just her current target. Her issue may be because of your race. Some mothers will never be happy with who their son chooses. My own mil has admitted to hating me, mainly because I am older and she thinks I married only to have a man around (yeah, I have been a single mother for most of my 15yr old's life - shows how much she really knows me). At first I let it get to me, but after my daughter was born and she was not allowed at the hospital (my wishes during labor/delivery and both of ours afterwards) she has backed off a lot. My husband is trying to keep the peace and volunteered hosting the family Thanksgiving, so I am going to bite my tongue and try to make the best of it. It stressed my husband out when his mother and I are in the same place, but I have decided to be quiet. mil does the same thing to hubby's brother's wife too, just not to the same degree.
Kristina007's picture
Kristina007
It sounds like she is trying to compete with you. I think your MIL thinks you took her little boy from her. I would first speak to your spouse about the situation and let him try to work things out between you two. Be nice to her even when she is rude to you, but do not take her crap. Tell her if something offends you. My MIL compares me to her daughter to because she can not compare me to herself. She calls me ugly, did not show up to the wedding, etc. and I have done nothing to her and continued to be polite. Do not let her get into your head. If you have to... tell her "I'm sexy and I know it" and show some attitude and do a little groove with your head and lick your thumb and make the sizzling noise when you paste it on your butt and look at her like your serious might add in "ya, it is what it is" or "check it out". You know your pretty, she is just trying to get to ya.