4babesunder7's picture
4babesunder7

My husband will not communicate

My husband and I come from 2 very different households. My parents yelled a lot (my mother is a controlling, naricisstic type.). His parents swept everything under the rug, and avoided discussing issues (his mother was an alcoholic, his father had his doctorate in psychology and counseling.) Both of these were unhealthy and dysfunctional. Both sets of our parents are still married, but with unbalanced and unhealthy relationships.

I am very analytical and a thinker. I am very aware. I have sought counseling my whole life to try and understand why I am the way I am, how to avoid the unhealthy habits my parents had with each other and their children, etc. I feel that communication is the key to all relationships. Healthy, respectful communication. My husband, from what I can gather (as well as the therapists during the couple of times he agreed and sought counseling with me,) learned to push his emotions back and simply "not feel" or deal with emotions, good or bad, because of the emotional neglect he experienced as a child. He is also a very, very negative person. We have 4 children, and he does not see them as blessings. He loves them, but he is constantly complaining about how this is not how he planned his life to be. Working 40-50 hours a week while I stay at home with our children, and live paycheck to paycheck. He fails to realize we are not a minority, we are very fortunate in so many ways, we have 4 healthy happy children, a roof over our heads, family and friends, food, etc.

The problem is that my husband will not communicate with me about issues, or really about anything. If anything is ever brought up, he is defensive and angry. He does not want to sit down and have a healthy discussion or argument or disagreement about anything. He makes comments to me such as, "I don't want to talk about that.... I can't deal with that right now...." and the like. Or he will just be silent and not respond. Or he will yell back at me and be very negative. So the struggle, for me, is that I am emotionally exhausted trying to discuss anything with him. Sometimes I will avoid discussing anything besides day to day routine conversation for weeks and nothing will ever be resolved or discussed because he will never initiate anything. I need to be emotionally recharged by my partner. I need a husband that will say, "we can get through these tough days together. We are blessed. The days are long but the years are short. Let's talk." SOMETHING!

I am just at the end of my rope. I do not know what to do anymore. I can't force him to communicate or to work on himself so that he CAN communicate. I have encouraged him until I am blue in the face. But I need something too. He does not cheat on me. He does not beat me. He DOES have anger issues. He's just a shell of a person most of the time, and is emotionally neglectful to me, and even to our children.

What can I do?