Concerned and Angry's picture
Concerned and Angry

My Girlfriend's Father Only Stopped Inappropriately Touching Her Two Years Ago...But She Never Told

I am in love with this girl who's 19 and she told me her deepest darkest secret this year: someone in her family did inappropriate things to her for so many years--so bad that if she told me what they were "there would be no hope for you and my family". That was the only hint she gave, but I figured it out. The story: When she told her mother the truth, her mother was about to leave him and "looked like she was going to kill him". She hid during the fight but the father only banged on the door and told her to come out and demanded she tell the truth. Then he took her outside for a walk and explained that if she wanted the family to stay together she had to lie. And she did. Her mother had a hard time trusting her for a while ever since. The family's fine now, as if it never happened--but that's the problem. And I know how it still affects her. And I thought I could handle the truth since I had figured it out--I thought he DID change. I thought he was cool--I always did before I found out. But no. He has flaws of a father/husband that should remove him from the family picture. The family can do without him. But she has to depend on him to pay for her college tuition. And I think that's what holding her back from telling. She says she loves her family and it made their family stronger. I told her her family's in denial: her brother knew he was doing it to her since they were kids, but didn't help her. He didn't do anything. Instead, when she tried to tell the truth, the brother lectured her and blamed the family's ruin on her. Sometimes I believe the mother KNOWS she wasn't lying because ever since she's been depressed and has been marital problems with her husband. Ever since, the father has gone to therapy. What [filtered word]es me off is that his therapist knows what the husband did and has to keep it confidential. My girlfriend and I have been going out for a long time and I plan on being with her longer. And I want to tell...but it would ruin my girlfriend. I'm the only one who knows the truth, besides her dad. Her mother will never now, her brother will never know, even her best friend. No one knows but me, and I told her sometimes I wish she had told her mother instead of me, who deserves the truth.........I fell into depression knowing this, but I've been coping. My girlfriend is aware of my strong hatred toward her father, so she's adapted to my need to leave the house if I'm in there too long. But...........the only thing that's holding me back is that I might lose my own girlfriend if I told the mother. And knowing the father, who I think is a sick and dangerously inner-natured man, I fear the worst if the truth got out.....I dunno what he'd do. I dunno what the mother would actually do....I don't know if it'll endanger the one I love.....I can't stand being near him anymore and seeing him interact with her. She told me he promised her "he won't ever do it again"--but the fact that he DID is unforgivable itself. There are no second chances. What happened to her was NOT her fault, but how she reacted IS because.........it's not right. It's not right to live in denial. I watch this every time I'm in that house--this family is living in denial....



mayamay's picture
mayamay

He probably won't offend against her again. He is probably assaulting younger girls. There was nothing special about her that made her his only victim. Call the police today, tell them what happened and that you are concerned that there are other victims. Then followup in about 3 weeks with a call to the state attorney general to make sure that the police are doing a serious investigation.

mayamay's picture
mayamay

She might have to work for a few years and pay her own tuition. It isn't the end of the world.

If she refuses to cooperate with a police investigation, you are much better off finding another woman to love. Report him before you consult with her.

Concerned and Angry's picture
Concerned and Angry

He's a father who believes he has every right to do whatever he wants regarding the family--he believes he has all the control over what happens WITHIN his family. He's not going after other victims, I know that. He cares about his family in a way that could be viewed as love, but also control.....So I doubt he has victims. And I can't call because then I lose my girlfriend and who knows what could happen within that family. I need him to make another wrong move--not necessarily touch my girlfriend again--but a move that gives me the reason to call on him.....Besides, I told my girlfriend to PROMISE me she'd let me know if he did it again.....Other than that, this is a family issue that only SHE can really fix. It happened to her, she's in control of what happens next, and I can't do anything about it until I have a good reason to....I only asked for help wondering what people would say BESIDES calling on him.

Concerned and Angry's picture
Concerned and Angry

I will NOT abandon her to that [filtered word], no matter how much pain I'm in. Don't worry. She and I argue about this all the time. I always tell her what happened to her isn't her fault but what happened after that was totally in her control. She believed she did the right thing to keep her family together. I told her "family doesn't do that to family!" She won't listen....I agree. The best I can do is ensure she gets a job to pay her tuition/financial issues. The best I can do is get her out of there because calling won't work; she loves her family, it would only hurt her and I would lose her. Because her family financially and emotionally relies on her and only her, not her brother, I need her to get away from them so she doesn't have to feel as much obliged to taking care of them. Then, she won't be as influenced by him. He always tries to influence his children, but she's too smart for that and has already started drifting away from him. It's the best I can do.

mayamay's picture
mayamay

He's a predator. People who molest are least likely to molest their own children, he is also victimizing other children. If you fail to report, you are complicit, just as she is. She wants to believe in a sick sort of way that she is special. She is not. Read these quotes from various reputable sites

The typical offender is male, begins molesting by age 15, engages in a variety of deviant behavior, and molests an average of 117 youngsters, most of whom do not report the offense.

One long-term study of hundreds of sex offenders found that the pedophile child molester committed an average of 281 acts with 150 partners.

mayamay's picture
mayamay

One study found that around half of the fathers and stepfathers in its sample who were referred for committing extrafamilial abuse had also been abusing their own children.

Turn that last quote on its head to analyze it. There is a tabu against incest among child molesters. If a person commits the double crime of sexual behavior with a child who is also his/her child, it is almost guaranteed that there are also unrelated victims. People who offend repeatedly with one victim have almost certainly offended with multiple victims. People don't just magically quit, they only work harder to not get caught.

If you fail to report him, YOU share the blame for his next offense. I hope that idea gives you nightmares.

mayamay's picture
mayamay

The first thing that needs to happen is reporting the offender. All other healing that might appear to take place is just putting a bandaid on a wound that still has a knife stuck in it.

mayamay's picture
mayamay

http://amac.usclargo.com/custom.html

for a reading list.

mayamay's picture
mayamay

If you don't step up and report this man to the police, then you are not good enough for her. She needs a hero. She has had the courage to survive, the courage to enroll in college, the courage to have a relationship. Someday soon she will develop the courage to report him. But, until she does, he will be molesting some other girl. Don't saddle her with the guilt of one more child molested by this man.

Concerned and Angry's picture
Concerned and Angry

Why is it that you think she "wants to believe in a sick sort of way that she is special"? She is not sick nor does she think she's special....I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say there, I hope it's not literal. He's disabled and has to sit in that house all the time by himself since the mother and daughter use the cars all the time. It can't be that he has gone around stalking when he's so involved with his family....