Mammabliss's picture
Mammabliss

My fiancé feels like he doesn't need to help with kids because he works

I am twenty years old and I have a two year old and also a seventh month old so I guess you can say I'm pretty busy, and when my fiancé comes Home I wouldn't mind some help. Well here is the issue at hand... He works in the oil field and comes home every nite and sits in his mancave watches tv then take about a three hour shower then gets out and complains about the house constantly... I basically can never do anything right and in not allowed to be right and he will never admit that he is wrong ever well I ask him for help and he tells me well I worked all day while you sat around and did what he describes as nothing hmm well my definition of nothing is is laundry diapers dishes Time out bath time dinner time lunch time breakfast time cleaning cleaning cleaning cleaning and more cleaning I hardly even take care of myself anymore and the only time I get the chance to take a nice long shower is when I'm beat tired in the middle of the nite. I don't know if I'd like t deal with this for the rest of my life the whole I go to work so your my housekeeper babysitter and chef all unpaid minus the fact he pays bills but he doesn't buy me clothes, tends to break my things when he gets mad so now. I have no make up no curling iron and very few clothes to choose from. I don't want to leave him I'd rather approach him in a more unconfrontational angry way and maybe talk some sense into him as to how going to work al day dies not make him exempt from his responsibilities as a father. If you have any advice on a good way to
Approach this issue please let me know It would really help



chjmk's picture
chjmk
This season of your life will not last forever, thankfully. The kids will grow up and the house won't always be a mess, so let go of some of the stuff that doesn't matter right now. My hubby really hated a sink full of dishes, but didn't care about other things. So I made sure I did that. It will also help if you get out of the house a couple times a month. Just go. Let him know ahead of time and catch a movie, wander around the library or get coffee and read a magazine. BUT-- If he's abusive, you have another decision to make. Either this is a safe relationship or it isn't. You can only be so logical, practical and smart to minimize some of the conflict and find solutions, but it will not change his behavior if he is abusive. So, you owe it to your kids to get out if you need to.
macmomma's picture
macmomma
He sounds controlling and like he has a different idea of what a relationship/family is all about. Maybe you could 'unfiance' him until he gets his act together. Sit and have a long uninterrupted private chat w/ him about how you are unhappy. See if you can get him to tell you how he thinks things should be versus how you think they should be and try to come to a compromise, that way he will get some of his way and you yours. First and foremost you need to take care of you and the kids and make sure you are safe. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you, you certainly dont want to start it off like this. If you marry w/out solving these issues, it'll never change, it'll only get worse. Do you have family around to help?
Patmm's picture
Patmm
. Get yourself a job and get the kids in daycare. If your like me and totally broke try and find a job that includes daycare or can help pay for it. I actually live in a county where daycare is free from age 6months old and almost 100% of our population utilises this service. It is sort of "tradition" here for children to start at age 1yr in what you would call kindergarten. But I used to live in a place where it costs so I do know. Anyways, I think te solution here would be you getting yourself something to do and having the kids away for a bit. You need and deserve it and what you don't deserve is a self entitled jerk off who is too blind and too selfish to acknowledge and care for your needs and desires, or to even begin to understand what you go through on a day to day basis. Cont'
Patmm's picture
Patmm
Don't Marry this guy unless he changes. And your sure than change is permanent. Because divorce is even messier than a breakup. See a family therapist if you really want to make it work. That will give you both a chance to voice your thoughts and you'll have an experienced moderator there. And sometimes hearing it from a stranger that he's doing you wrong is more helpful than you trying to tell him because your in it. You know? Take it from Someone who's married to a guy like that. However I don't stand for his bs. We have a toddler, he works 24 /7 but I always voice to him that I don't care if he works all day and night. He chose this and he WILL help me or I'm outta here. He tries to help at least. He fails horribly at caring for me in any other way, but at least he tries.
Patmm's picture
Patmm
So, make your guy do this. If he won't oblige, get yourself a plan in place for how you will manage your children, finances, a job and get out of there. Your only 20, don't wait. You've got too much life ahead of you girl! No man should ever hold you back, disrespect you, or abandon you, belittle your JOB, or sit on their lazy ass and whine because they get to hang out with grown ups all day, take breaks when they want with out someone pulling their food off the table or smearing poop on the walls. Good luck!