lsbwe's picture
lsbwe

my family hates me

I am a 45 single father, raising two boys that are 10 and 12.
Ever since I was old enough to understand, it was evident to me that my mother was very hateful....yes she actually hated me. I left home three days after I turned 18 and have had a productive life. However, this hate is now distrupting my family. My mother and sister leave long terrible messages on my answering machine.....calling me names and just all sorts of cruel things. At times, my boys have heard this..and whenver we visit...my boys hear and see it. I really try to stay away, and I dont answer the phone. My boys dont want to visit their granparents and aunts because of the madness they see.
I have on many occasions, usually holidays, recieved so many messages on my cell that you can listen for hours and not get thru them all. All the messages are calling me names, using profanity and scrutininzing everything I have done or not done since I was a child.
I have gone thru counselling....and I have been told that the best thing to do is remove myself completely from my family.
Well, I am at the point of moving to a new location and getting new phonenumbers..just to stop this madness.....
The whole thing makes me sad. My boys lost their mother two years ago....so it is just me. I keep thinking how nice it would be if the boys had more family to share joy with.....but every time I risk it and visit my family...things go bad rather quickly.
Here is an example: Today my sister that I still get along with visited. She gets much greif from my other sisters and mom for visiting. So, she only stays a few hours. When she left today, she hit a patch of ice and ended up in a ditch. Within minutes I was recieivng calls from the other sisters yelling at me because it was my fault. The calls continued into the evening. I had nothing to do with the accident. I went straight away to find her, stayed with her until a wrecker came; took her to the repair garage, took her out to dinner and a movie....it is 1 am...and my phone is still ringing....more messages for me to delete before the boys wake up.
I come from a large family...and my mother has told everyone what a peice of [filtered word] I am...I even get dirty looks form older ladies when I do go home....
I have never been to jail, never in trouble, put myself through college...never had it easy...but this bothers me the most.....
I am thinking about just moving across country and not telling anyone where we are and just drop the entire family.....for all of our mental health (my boys and I), but is this the wrong thing to do?



mayamay's picture
mayamay
Read Matthew 18:15-20 very carefully. This is my paraphrase of that passage:
mayamay's picture
mayamay
If your brother hurt you, cheated you, ticked you off, then go privately and tell him what you think he did. Do the Covey thing, try to understand what your brother thinks happened. If he just won't talk to you, take a counselor or mediation team with you, could be a family member if it's someone that he trusts. If that doesn't work, bring in an unbiased authority. That's right, try 3 different times. But don't ask a bunch of people what you should do, that's just gossip. If he'll talk with you, you have a chance to regain your brother. If he just won't deal with you, then you have to let the relationship go. You have to respect his decision not to reconcile with you. But you have to make an honest effort to get his side of the story three times first.
mayamay's picture
mayamay
It sounds to me like you have exceeded the advice to try 3 times to heal the relationship. The respectful thing to do is to walk away. It is possible that your family has mental illness, but if they are unwilling to seek treatment it is foolish for you to stay involved. If you speak of them in the future, try to be respectful, not bitter. I have great admiration for you.
kimmie_34's picture
kimmie_34
i would change your numbers and stop going over there, do you still have contact with your wifes family. how do they treat you? if your getting treated that bad and they do it in front of your kids then it shows your mom and sisters dont respect your kids either, and it is not fair to put them through that. if things dont get better with just changing your phone numbers then yeah if you can move away and not say anything... im sorry that you have to go through that i couldnt emagine going through what your going through..good luck and take care
lsbwe's picture
lsbwe
Thanks for the comments. I truely appreciate them. Yes I make it a point that their mother's family has as much access to them as possible. Their grandparents visit once a month; and the boys go to their house for a sleepover 3-4 times a year. They have an older sister and brother (which were not mine), and this is a good way for them to have some contact with their siblings as well.
lovelife240's picture
lovelife240
sounds to me like your making the right choice keeping them away from your mother and other siblings. i had to do the same thing with my mother. so i feel for you and know exactly what your saying. good luck