Linda39's picture
Linda39

Moving in with boyfriend

I have been in this relationship for 4 years now and is quite happy as we only see each other couple of weekends at a time due to the distance.  We live 100 miles apart.  I have a 8 year old son.  My boyfriend now wants us to move in with him very soon.  I am just scared as although things have really worked out how it is now.  But he finds it abit hard and tiring driving most weekends.  Sometimes we have a break by not seeing each other one weekend in a month or even two weekends.  We are happy and we done quite alot together.  He is 10 years older than me and has two lovely daughters and a granddaughter.  Both don't live with him so he is alone most of the time.  My son lives with me full time.  He accepts my son but occassially moans that he has alot of activities some weekends I have to take him football matches and other things.  So therefore we don't see each other or have time together.  My son does not see his boc father at all for the past 7 years now.  His father doesn't want to know.  I have to do everything and I do enjoy it but it is hard at times.  My boyfriend wants to go aboard next year where I can't as I have to consider my son with his schooling.  My boyfriend seems to think moving in with him will make life easier for all of us.  My son is not keen on the idea as that means leaving everything here where he just started a life and missing families and friends.  My boyfriend feels he wants to do things what he wants as he now has no repsonsiblity anymore where I have at the moment and I can't drop everything and go along with him. He seems to understand that.  He said that if we move in with him, he can do what he wants by going aboard and away on trips alone and do his photography hobby.  As I want to be with my son and make the most of him growing up before he gets into his teens.  I just don't know what I should do before I decided to move in with him.  My boyf feels that my son's life is taking over my.  I was abit hurt by this as that's all my son has just me other than my parents and sisters but they have their own lives. My boyf can be selfish at times and wants what he wants.  I understand as he now has a chance.  He said that we will be better off and have more money by us moving in.  So we can do more. 

 

 



tamz's picture
tamz

Well, I don't want to sound mean, but your son should take over your life. You chose to have a child and he should be your first responsibility. I bet when your bf lovely daughters were 8 years old they took over his life. You should consider your son first then your bf. I'm not saying your son can't be happy living with your bf, after making a transition, but you should weigh it carefully and your first responsibility is to your SON!!

Linda39's picture
Linda39

Thanks for the comments. I can see what you are saying, I will put my son first as always. It is hard as I love my boyf very much and hoping that it will work out between us if he compromise. I know in his mind all he wants to do what he always wanted is to travel but I feel that my son and myself is putting him off in doing this. He kept saying oh I should have done that last year but couldn't etc. So I told him to go for it and not expect us to go along as I work and my son has school. If he feels that my son is too involved then he should say so but he doesn't and thinks everything will be okay.
Thanks for your advice.

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

Continue to put your son first. Your son is only 8 years old and needs all of your time and attention for a few years to come. Uprooting him and living your boyfriends' life will just cause difficulties, based on how you describe your bfr. Enjoy your son, he will be grown and gone before you know it!!!

tamz's picture
tamz

I agree with 2xstepmom,,,, time goes by so fast and you can never get these years back. Make decisons based on what is best for your little boy and you won't have regret and guilt later. Make sacrafices for your son now, but there will be a time when you can be a little bit more selfish later and then you can really enjoy the freedom without guilt.

Linda39's picture
Linda39

Yes I agree with the replies. But what about when my son gets older and I am left on my own. Although I want to continue to enjoy my time with my son and enjoy every minute of it. But what about my life, I want a life of my own too. I do love my boyfriend very much. He seems to think I have a life too as well as looking after my son. My boyfriend thinks that moving in with him will solve all the problems that I have being on my own as I have to do everything on my own although my parents help sometimes if I need them. My boyf thinks that by living with him will help each other out financally and support each other then we can do more things as at the moment we are struggling. I am in a muddle and don't know what I am going to do at the moment whether to go ahead to move or stay where we are as he is not willing to give up anything at all where we have to do all the work. I don't want to lose him and he said that if I made up my mind in not moving then there is no future in us. I don't want to be on my own again.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is being very flexible. That's not too good. Also, it sounds to me that you're looking for the OK to do this, but that you do have some doubts of your own. It seems like you want to hear the answer you want to hear, so that you can put any doubts you do have aside. Go w/ what your head tells you, not your heart. In my opinion, you'll have other opportunities to date men. However, right now, your responsibility is w/ your son. Yes, you're entitled to your own life, and you deserve it. But can't you put your focus on your son? Who knows--maybe you'll meet someone in your local area. I just don't like the fact that your current boyfriend is putting all the pressure on you to change your life, and your son's for that matter. He doesn't have to change a thing, and he's not even willing to compromise. I don't find that very fair. He shld put himself in your shoes for a moment and see how he'd feel if you asked him to uproot his life like that. He needs to be a little more understanding that it's not only about you. It's about your son too. I know you love this guy, but I think you'd be making a mistake moving in w/ him at this time in your life. The decision is yours. I suppose you cld try it, but what if it doesn't work out? Wld you move back? Then what? I don't know. It's a bit risky for me, but then again, I'm not a gambler. I hope you make the right decision for yourself and your son. Good luck.

junieg's picture
junieg

If this man clearly loved you as you say he does then he would not be treating you in this manner. I know you love him, and yes, you deserve happiness too, but at what cost. Your son needs some stability and he needs to know you are there for him. He is still in formative years and everything you do now will tell on him later. Please think hard about this decision. Your b/f sounds very selfish.

Linda39's picture
Linda39

I wish I could believe he does love me, and he said he does alot. He does treat my son in a way that I am not expected him to be treated. I wish he could be a good step father to him so I can trust in him. It is hard. He has a granddaughter who he adores, he treats her different to my son. He sorts of pushes my son away and forcus on her. I treat her them all the same. I always buy her gifts. My boyf has no intention in buying my son anything although I don't expect him too. Just the loving and affection he could give. My son not had a loving relationship with his bio father. I think my son can sense it as he never wanted to discuss anything regarding moving. My boyf sometimes puts my son down. If I mentioned how well he has done at school etc. He never praises him. I felt abit hurt. He was married twice before. His second wife left him for someone else. I even asked my boyf if we lived all together, would he be a step father to him. He said only if we got married. And if he would adopted him as his step son. He said that he thinks it's not a good idea. Everytime we go shopping he always looks for something to buy for his granddaughter but never even thought of asking my son what he would like. I always played and talked to her whenever I can. But my son always wanted attention and I feel abit guilty. My boyf sometimes tells my son to be quite and tell him to calm down. If I say anything about his daughters, how lazy they are etc. He never tells them off for not helping. But when my son does something wrong. My boyf lets him know. Please Please help, I don't know what I should do. We are going on holiday next week and it's a test to see how he is with my son. I even asked him if I could bring one of my son's friend along to keep him company, he refused. I had to put up with his daughter's their friends in the past with us on holidays. Why can't he compromise.

SnglDad's picture
SnglDad

He doesnt want your son, he wants only you. He has raised his children, and now has grandchildren. No matter what he says, your son will always come second to his kids and grandkids. If you decide to go further in to this relationship, your son will suffer. Your boyfriend will be happy, you might be happy, but your son will always be a second class citizen. After all that you have said, I am surprised that you are still looking for another opinion. You seem to know the answer.

Linda39's picture
Linda39

Yeah you are probarbly right, I am always looking for answers as I don't know what to do or who to talk to. So I have many answers back which sort of ease my mind. I agree what you are saying about my boyf putting his children and grandkids first. And my son comes second, but what about when we move up there, will he still put him second. That's what I want to know. I will need to talk to him first before I make the big decision of moving in with him.