Mother and Daughter Can't Get Along with Each Other
My daughter and I can't get along with each other anymore. It all started when my daughter met a guy online on a dating site and started dating him. I have never approved of him from the start. They both were desperate people when they started dating. They had known each other for only 3 weeks and they already were talking about getting married, A little over 5 months after meeting each other they got engaged which in my opinion was too soon.
My daughter has a brother who is 9 years younger. She has to do everything that he does. She is very jealous of him. She can't stand it when her brother gets attention and she doesn't. He got engaged in October of 2007 so she had to get engaged in February of 2008. My son got married November 22, 2008. I learned through family that my daughter is getting married April 25, 2009. She has changed the date 5 different times. My daughter kept her engagement a secret from the family for quite awhile. I had known for a few months but never said anything to her. Finally, I had enough so I finally told her I knew. She has concluded her family from everything. The only way I know anything about what is going on is through friends or family members.
Ever since she met this guy she and I have done nothing but argue. We don't see eye to eye anymore. We used to have a close mother and daughter relationship but not anymore. We hardly even talk to each other, it is that bad. I feel that when he walked into my daughter's life, I walked out of it. It is sad but it is true. I feel if that is what my daughter wants then that is the way it will be.
My mom, sister, sister-in-laws and niece all agree with my daughter when it comes to her relationship. I can't accept the guy and my family thinks I should accept him. I feel like I am out numbered and no matter what I say they disagree. They agree with everything my daughter does and say. They all are being sneaky about things just like my daughter. They do things behind my back and don't tell me. What really makes me upset is my sister-in-laws live out of state so they really don't know what goes on in my life with my daughter. The one sister-in-law doesn't even have any kids of her own so I feel she has no idea what it is like to have kids. All my daughter has to do is go tell them a sob story and they give into her. I really feel like I am being outcast by my own family because of a guy who they don't really know. My daughter is not the daughter that I knew; she has changed so much since he came into her life.
By the way, my daughter is 34 years old and he is 34 and they both still live at home. She can't afford to live on her own because she is too far into debt with credit cards, student loans etc and doesn't have a good paying job. She had to file for bankruptcy. The one she plans to marry is also in debt big time. Also whenever they go anywhere; she drives her car and pays for gas, meals and whatever else. Someone told me other than my daughter that they are living with his parents after they get married.
My daughter's attitude has changed so much since she met this guy. She isolates herself from the family. She hardly talks to her brother when he comes to visit. Every day she comes home from work; she goes straight to her bedroom; gets on her laptop and talks to this guy on IM until she goes to bed for the night. This is her life every day. She even eats her meals in her bedroom so she can talk on IM while she eats. When she isn't at home talking to him on IM; she is with him. Now tell me this, is this the proper behavior of a 34year old? She wants me to treat her like an adult but I feel she needs to act like an adult before I can treat her like one.
She has been lying, is sneaky, disrespectful and just pushing my buttons. She doesn't help with any of the housework, doesn't help with the bills or groceries and doesn't pay any room and board and never has. I have told her more than once to move in with the one who she is going to marry and she wouldn't do it. The way she is acting; I feel like I don't even have a daughter.
When there are family gatherings, there are always problems because I don't want to attend if he is going to be there. The family thinks that I shouldn't be that way but I feel I know and have to deal with this guy more than they do. Once again my daughter puts on a crying act and the family feels sorry for her and gives in to her. I feel like my own family has turned against me.
I used to be in good health but since all this has happened, I now have health issues. I have been so stressed out over this and continue to get stress out. My daughter and him will do anything and everything that they know I don't approve of just to get me more stressed out. What happened to respect for parents?
I have always bent over backwards for my daughter all her life. I never thought it would come to this. I really feel my family is making the situation worse by catering to my daughter, feeling sorry for her, disagreeing with me and agreeing with her. I have made my feelings known to my family more than once but it doesn't do any good. They are making me look like the bad one and I am only trying to be a parent. I never thought I would be able to disown my own daughter but I really think it is going to come to that.
I have made up my mind that I am not going to attend her wedding. I feel by me attending that say that I accept the marriage and I never will accept it. The way I feel is that my daughter has stuck a knife in my heart and keeps turning it to hurt me all the more. No one knows how much hurt my daughter has caused me. All I see is more heartache in my future.
I am turning to this message board in hopes of finding answers. Thanks for any advice you can give me.