chattykathy's picture

Mother and Daughter Can't Get Along with Each Other

My daughter and I can't get along with each other anymore. It all started when my daughter met a guy online on a dating site and started dating him. I have never approved of him from the start. They both were desperate people when they started dating. They had known each other for only 3 weeks and they already were talking about getting married, A little over 5 months after meeting each other they got engaged which in my opinion was too soon.

My daughter has a brother who is 9 years younger. She has to do everything that he does. She is very jealous of him. She can't stand it when her brother gets attention and she doesn't. He got engaged in October of 2007 so she had to get engaged in February of 2008. My son got married November 22, 2008. I learned through family that my daughter is getting married April 25, 2009. She has changed the date 5 different times. My daughter kept her engagement a secret from the family for quite awhile. I had known for a few months but never said anything to her. Finally, I had enough so I finally told her I knew. She has concluded her family from everything. The only way I know anything about what is going on is through friends or family members.

Ever since she met this guy she and I have done nothing but argue. We don't see eye to eye anymore. We used to have a close mother and daughter relationship but not anymore. We hardly even talk to each other, it is that bad. I feel that when he walked into my daughter's life, I walked out of it. It is sad but it is true. I feel if that is what my daughter wants then that is the way it will be.

My mom, sister, sister-in-laws and niece all agree with my daughter when it comes to her relationship. I can't accept the guy and my family thinks I should accept him. I feel like I am out numbered and no matter what I say they disagree. They agree with everything my daughter does and say. They all are being sneaky about things just like my daughter. They do things behind my back and don't tell me. What really makes me upset is my sister-in-laws live out of state so they really don't know what goes on in my life with my daughter. The one sister-in-law doesn't even have any kids of her own so I feel she has no idea what it is like to have kids. All my daughter has to do is go tell them a sob story and they give into her. I really feel like I am being outcast by my own family because of a guy who they don't really know. My daughter is not the daughter that I knew; she has changed so much since he came into her life.

By the way, my daughter is 34 years old and he is 34 and they both still live at home. She can't afford to live on her own because she is too far into debt with credit cards, student loans etc and doesn't have a good paying job. She had to file for bankruptcy. The one she plans to marry is also in debt big time. Also whenever they go anywhere; she drives her car and pays for gas, meals and whatever else. Someone told me other than my daughter that they are living with his parents after they get married.

My daughter's attitude has changed so much since she met this guy. She isolates herself from the family. She hardly talks to her brother when he comes to visit. Every day she comes home from work; she goes straight to her bedroom; gets on her laptop and talks to this guy on IM until she goes to bed for the night. This is her life every day. She even eats her meals in her bedroom so she can talk on IM while she eats. When she isn't at home talking to him on IM; she is with him. Now tell me this, is this the proper behavior of a 34year old? She wants me to treat her like an adult but I feel she needs to act like an adult before I can treat her like one.

She has been lying, is sneaky, disrespectful and just pushing my buttons. She doesn't help with any of the housework, doesn't help with the bills or groceries and doesn't pay any room and board and never has. I have told her more than once to move in with the one who she is going to marry and she wouldn't do it. The way she is acting; I feel like I don't even have a daughter.

When there are family gatherings, there are always problems because I don't want to attend if he is going to be there. The family thinks that I shouldn't be that way but I feel I know and have to deal with this guy more than they do. Once again my daughter puts on a crying act and the family feels sorry for her and gives in to her. I feel like my own family has turned against me.

I used to be in good health but since all this has happened, I now have health issues. I have been so stressed out over this and continue to get stress out. My daughter and him will do anything and everything that they know I don't approve of just to get me more stressed out. What happened to respect for parents?

I have always bent over backwards for my daughter all her life. I never thought it would come to this. I really feel my family is making the situation worse by catering to my daughter, feeling sorry for her, disagreeing with me and agreeing with her. I have made my feelings known to my family more than once but it doesn't do any good. They are making me look like the bad one and I am only trying to be a parent. I never thought I would be able to disown my own daughter but I really think it is going to come to that.

I have made up my mind that I am not going to attend her wedding. I feel by me attending that say that I accept the marriage and I never will accept it. The way I feel is that my daughter has stuck a knife in my heart and keeps turning it to hurt me all the more. No one knows how much hurt my daughter has caused me. All I see is more heartache in my future.

I am turning to this message board in hopes of finding answers. Thanks for any advice you can give me.

Henry's picture

Your daughter is 34 years old and living at home. She wants to cut the cord- let her. Attend her wedding, be friendly to your new son in law. Support her where and when she needs it, and when she says she needs it (not when you decide) and let your daughter begin her life. Do not become the mother in law that I have who is destroying our marriage.

2xstepmom's picture

There is no "proper" behavior for a 34 y/o. If she were on her own, you would know very little of her life.

My 25 y/o daughter lives with me. She is dating someone who is not good for her, but she IS an adult and has to learn the hard way if that is her choice.

As long as this man is not abusing your daughter and/or is not a drug/alcohol abuser, then it is time for you to let her live her own life. It is difficult, I know, I deal with it every day, but your relationship with your daughter can be repaired NOW if you make the choice to allow her to live her own life. Do not do anything drastic that you will regret for the rest of your life.

Be strong and you have a good chance to get your daughter back!!!

kedzfam4's picture

You can be happy, or you can be right. What's more important? In the long run, your daughter will look back and see the interactions you shared with her during the planning of this big event in her life. Be supportive (even if you don't agree), let her know you love her very much and through it all you've never seen a bride more beautiful than her. You'll have her living with you for only a short while and then reality will set in for her. She'll get a tatste of the real world soon enough and will find out it isn't easy. Then you can sit back and let her experience it first hand. Once they are on their own, they'll find out how hard things are. If they work out and they get along, great. If not, then she'll need a suportive mother who won't say "I told you so". In the end, she'll never forget the words you say to her, they way you act, and how you treated her. Make it so her memories are of you showing her love. Your family will never forget that you were against the relationship from the start. If it works out, you don't want it held against you that you opposed it. She's old enough for you to cut the cord. She'll learn from any mistakes she makes.
I wish you the best. Good Luck!

bbq2424's picture

Your story is similar to mine. I had a great relationship with my mother until i would get a bf then all hell would break lose and i would just break up with them. well now im engaged and my mother hates my fiance who i have been with for 3 yrs. He is the best thing that has happened to me but she despises him.

No matter what make sure you are there for your daughter through the planning of her big day. i am getting married in June and my mother refuses to be involved and will not attend my wedding. it is breaking my heart to know that i cant share the day with her. My father past away 5 years ago so inside it is destroying me.

You may not like what your daughter does but at the end of the day you love her and she loves you. She is old enough to make her own decisions and mistakes. Just be there when and if she needs you. That is something i dont have.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

I hope you will reconsider, and attend your daughter's wedding. This is your daughter. It's her big day. How do you think she feels not having you there? Despite your objections to why your daughter shldn't marry this man, you need to back off. I know as a mother how hard it is to see your children make decisions that you feel are the wrong ones, but there comes a pt when you have to let go. Your daughter is going to marry this guy whether you like it or not. Try to be supportive. If the relationship fails, your daughter will have to face things then. That's how we all learn. If your daughter doesn't marry this guy, she'll never know if she made the right decision or not. Try to embrace the situation as hard as it may be. The last thing you want to do is lose your daughter. If you keep objecting to your daughter's decision to live her own life w/ this man, she will continue to shut you out. Go along for the ride, be there for her when she needs you, and if the relationship does fail, please don't tell her you told her so. That will only make her feel worse. Your daughter needs you now more than ever. Get back that close relationship you once had w/ her, and try to keep your opinions to yourself. Your daughter is a grown woman even though she has made some immature decisions. Once she's on her own, reality will set in, and then she will have no choice but to "grow up" very quickly. Good luck.
Oh, and as for your daughter's relationship w/ her younger brother, it sounds like she's always felt second best to him. She probably has tried all her life to compete w/ her brother, and she still may feel she needs to. Your daughter needs to feel good about herself. If this man helps boost her self esteem, you shld be happy for her. It's difficult living your life always trying to keep up, always having to work hard at feeling accepted. You refered to your daughter and her BF as desperate people. How can you say that? You shld feel happy that your daughter has found someone who cares about her and who she cares about as well. This is not about you and about respect for you. This is about your daughter and her life. I know your daughter doesn't do housework or pay bills, but who's fault is that? You shld have kicked her out a long time ago. Do yourself and your daughter a favor, and put the past in the past. Move forward w/ a hopeful, positive attitude. Tell your daughter how much she means to you, and if this is what she really wants, you will support her. Embrace your future son-in-law as difficult as that may be. If they do stay together, they may someday have children, your grandchildren. Don't you want to make them a part of your life too? Before you make a hasty decision, think about the consequences that will affect you as well.

marthar's picture
I hope by the time you read my reply, Your daughter and you have worked things out towards each other. Im hoping that this situation has brought you both closer.God bless
Supernanny's picture
I know just how you feel I am going through the same thing with my daughter,she has three kids but thinks she only has two and I can't stand her husband.I don't have an answer for you as I can't find one for myself maybe others on here can help us both........
kldhc's picture
The same goes for me...It is horrible what is happening with both my daughters, and their [filtered word] husbands. They came in their lives and I got booted from their lives. It is very devastating for me.