Monster Step son, Bad cercumstances ...Am I a Jerk?
I really don't know where to start just that I feel awful about what happening and I have no real friends or family to turn to. The few friends I have are ether two close to the situation to give an objective opinion and the family that I do have are all very jaded on the issue. A year ago my husband and I took Custody of his 6 year old son from his ex wife. The state took the boy and his half brother from their home and placed the half brother in state care. In short the boy was being abused by her new husband and neglected by her. When I say neglected I do not mean under feed or not taken care of just that she turned a blind eye to what her husband was doing and never spent time with the boy or bonded with him. Since he was born she has always had others to care for him. Room mates, personal nannies, day care and lastly her new husband.
A little back story just so you can understand everything...I know its a lot but I feel its the only way for you, the reader to understand.
My husband and her had been split up for quite some time and he had tried many times to get a divorce from her but she refused. As an extreme measure she called his CO (he was in the Air force at the time) and complained that he had abandoned her in New Mexico, that he was not sending her any money and that she was homeless. He had to prove to them that it was all lies. That she had a Job that paid twice what he was making, Owned a home and had a room mate as well as the fact that she was going to school. After quite a battle with his COs they dropped the charges and removed the request to place him in the brig. Its a HUGE offence to not take care of your family when military and claiming married and receiving funds for it. After speaking to the Co and the Chaplin He was convinced that it was his responsibility as a good christian to forgive her and try and make his marriage work. He fly down to visit with her and try and work things out and she became pregnant. He moved her Up north where he was stationed, sold the home and they lived together for the benefit of the child he tried. By the time the boy was 4 to 5 months old My husband moved out he could no longer deal with her. She would call him at work daily screaming crying and tossing fits. One time she called and screamed at the top of her lungs that if he did not come home to her right now that she would throw the boy down the stairs. She finally tried to kill her self and failed.
After that she moved to the South about 3000 miles away. My husband resigned form the Air force so that he could follow her to be near his son. They had an odd split custody for about a year and a half or so. She would have him for a week then he would but most of the time she would not give him to him and would only allow the boy to come for the weekends. The boy had many issues, acted out, hit other children in day care. Bite others and even tried to drown a child. Needless to say he jumped form day care to day care as no one would care for him for very long. His Ex wife deiced that she was going to take a Job in Korea and took the boy with her. She was to have sent him back for summers but never did. My husband got an email one day asking him to send the divorce papers as she was pregnant and wanted to marry her new man. (mind you this whole time he had been begging her to sign the papers and she refused. he was also working three jobs just to be able and pay her inflated child support because sheplayed the system and insisted on having a personal Nanny and the state that they had their case in billed him the full monthly cost of the nanny. )
That summer the three of them returned to the USA and they left the boy with my husbands Brother and sister in law. We found out by talking to my husbands mother that he was there. He called his brother and said that he would come and pick the boy up and keep him till his m other wanted him back. My husbands sister in law called the boys mother and she tossed a fit. Told her no way that he could not come and get him that it was unacceptable for him to come stay with us as she did not know the woman that he was living with (me). He was very up set and really wanted to see his son. He called his ex wife and talked to her and after quite the fight she agreed to let us see him for 4 hours as he had to be in bed no later then 7:30pm and it was un acceptable for us to have him any loner then that. (it was BS if you ask me shes just a control freak)
In about two months she showed up at our door with the boy in tow and one small bag and told us that she needed us to take him for the summer that she had her hands full with moving from GA (where they went when they came back from Korea) to FL and she left. She promised to cove at least some of the cost of his care for that summer but we have never seen a dime and YES we paid her Child support that whole summer. In all we ended up having him for almost 6 months. We had to buy him all new clothes because she would not give us any as well. During this time it became very apparent to me that the boy was not... well normal. He interacted with my three children every day. At the time my Eldest son was turning ten, my girl was 2 and my little boy turned one. He was a constant issue with them. He fought with the young children and attacked my oldest. Bloodied his noise and beat him up because my son did not want to fight back and hurt an younger child. I talked to his mother about it and she would just say to spank him with the paddle that she sent with him and that he just needed to be put in his place. I do not believe in spanking children save for extreme cases. In total I think I have spanked my kids maybe three times between all of them. As bad as it sounds I was relived when he went home. I packed up the boys things and KEPT the paddle that his mother sent with him as I did not want her to use it on him.
We saw him on and off again for Holidays and weekends but never more then a few days at a time. That Spring after the boys 6th birthday we received a call that his mother and step father had been arrest for child abuse. It turned out that the police picked her up for an un paid ticket but arrested her to get her away from the children. They never got to charge her husband as he fled the country and they ended up only saying that she was guilty of neglect in the end. They returned her baby back to her after about 8 months and closed her case file about two months back. In the past year we have not seen a dime in support from her and she was making over 100K a year. Last month she moved to Germany and took a job that on paper shows that she makes half of what she was making here just so that she would not have to pay as much in child support.
Now here's the issues...The boy came to us as with many issues. He wet him self at least three times a day would beat up on all the children and refused to listed to any one. He would toss fits and throw him self around on the ground some times till he bled him self. He would scream for hours on end for not getting his way and worse. I think you get the point. I have loved him and tried to be his mother, friend and parent. My kids have tried to make him feel at home and love him as a brother. What have we received in return? Abuse. He has no remorse for anything he does. He enjoys hurting people and fighting. He has pushed, my at the time 3 year old, little girl down a flight of stairs, almost threw her out a window on a 2nd floor (I caught her before she went out) beat up my then 2 year old son and fights with my eldest son all the time. He has bit them all more times then I can count and over all acts at least two to three years younger then he is. My kids are now 3, 4 and 11...my eldest son has been run out of his room he would rather sleep with the baby's then the boy. He takes my childrens toys all the time and is over all really mean to them. As for me in the past year he has bitten me, bloodied my noise, broken my toe, cracked my collar bone as well as many other things that I have forgotten. Most recently He threw a book at my head from the top of the stairs. It really hurt BTW. We have had him in Therapy, group therapy and have tried every form of positive reinforcement known to man. I am at a loss and fed up with him. He has taught awful things to my babies and they have picked up all sorts of Negative behavior that I work to break all the time. We cant even have a break from him as NO ONE will take him or baby sit him. None of his grandparent no one. Even the baby sitters that we have hired wont come back because of him. He has even kicked my dog for no reason other then she was near him at the time. We have seen him Smile when he does things to hurt others and to be honest he scares me a lot.
I want to send him to his mother. My husband wants to keep him as he feels the boy will get better with time and that he needs a good home. This has gotten so bad that I am considering taking the other three kids and leaving. I just don't know what to do . I feel like a Jerk for asking him to send his son away but other then leaving my self I don't know what to do.
Am I a Jerk for wanting him to go back to his mother?