FerruzAXP's picture
FerruzAXP

Mom hates being a mom

Where to start, 2 kids: oldest is ~3.5 and in the middle of resisting potty training; youngest just turned 1.

My wife does not have the patience for potty training; if my oldest son won't sit on the potty, he'll get a spanking.

If she can't get done what she thinks needs to be done, she'll let the youngest cry in the crib for hours.

Frustrated, she calls me from work - she hates my job due to frequent late nights - to say she "hates being a mom."

She's threatened to leave, nearly did one time, because being a parent takes away from the time for her to do what she wants to do. Sadly, I expect that to happen at some point.

I'm just trying to get us through the potty training with as little stress as possible but am not sure how to proceed. My son often will urinate when sitting, but has not yet defecated in the pot. I'm not even thinking of him staying dry all night.

Any advice given my wife's extreme lack of patience?



gail Hanson's picture
gail Hanson

Is your wife an at-home mom?  I would suggest that 1.  you don't have any more children, 2.  She get a job if she doesn't  already work, and you put the kids in a day-care that is willing to do the potty-training (good luck on finding one).  3.  She get therapy for her anger issues and if she doesn't, you be prepared to divorce and get full custody with supervised visitation.

SnglDad's picture
SnglDad

  If you even believe a dicorce is in the future, start preparing for it now. Gail has great advice which I just want to  add on to. I would suggest couples coulseling. This will sound sneaky, but is in the best interest of the kids. Couples counseling will get both of you sitting together talking. You can lead the conversation to the topics you feel are the most important. This may be all that is needed to get mom on the road to finding her happy place. If that works and things gradually get better great. If not and you get divorced (the ugly part) subopena the counselors notes and the counselor for a deposition, or at trial. This will expose mom's angry side and could prompt the court to order counseling for mom and for some supervised visits until such time that a counselor feels she can be with the kids alone. This way kids see mom and you dont have to worry about their safety.

 

gail Hanson's picture
gail Hanson

Additional thought.  Separate vacations.  You let your wife go off to her mom's for a week, or to cancun or whatever, and you take a week off of work and get that kid potty-trained.  Unless there is a medical problem, the child is developmentally ready.  There are good books on potty-training I remember something like potty train your child in a day.   This is in addition too, not instead of, my other advice.  It will make day-care a lot easier to find if a child nearly 4 is potty-trained. 

FerruzAXP's picture
FerruzAXP

1) No more kids, 2 was enough even before these problems started.  2) Yes, she is a stay-at-home mom and her getting a job has been a frequent discussion. The cost of daycare has been a prohibitive factor - her earnings would not cover the cost to send 2 kids to day care. 3) Therapy - been there, done that - it doesn't seem to work. Some days she doesn't have the personal fortitude to deal with stress or handle disruptions; some days, she seems to do well and thrives. It's a crap shoot as to which one will surface on any given day.  I come home and be Dad while she does something else to try and collect herself.

gail Hanson's picture
gail Hanson

If the job-daycare option is considered as a therapy, not an economic choice, the negative cash flow can be considered as an expense instead of an income category.  I know what I mean, it just sounds so convoluted.  Do you know what I mean?

 

FerruzAXP's picture
FerruzAXP

That's occured to me (us). Her parents live in a state nearly 1000 miles away. It's just taking a week off for me from my job is frowned on - I can just hear the Blackberry going off the hook.  However, that's what might have to be done once the New Year breaks and new leave is earned. Thanks for all the suggestions; trying to map out what the terrain is and what different scenarios might result.

gail Hanson's picture
gail Hanson

I've been the angry defensive mom.  I had some effective therapy (it took a couple of tries).  1 of my adult kids has had effective therapy, 1 is just starting therapy, 1 seems to be okay.  My younger 3 kids (after I got my head out) are all pretty sane. 

gail Hanson's picture
gail Hanson

And right now I have to go because I am baby-sitting my grand-children while my daughter goes to therapy:).  Life is funny.  I have hope for your family.  I hope you do to.

SnglDad's picture
SnglDad

  One other thing to consider since she is a stay at home mom. If you were to divorce you would most likely be paying alimony. If it costs more for her to work than to be at home it may be worth it in the long run. Make sure he has an established means of income before you think of filing papers.

  When you spoke of her parents, am I correct in assuming that you would send the kids there for a while? If this is an option you are considering be very careful. Once the kids are out of your care and out of your state for so long there can be a change in jurisdiction. The grandparents could file for custody, or visitation  stating they have a significant relationship with the kids. I would not suggest this route. This could be costly, both financially, and in regards to the relationship you have with your kids.

gail Hanson's picture
gail Hanson

And see what you can do about the frequent late nights.  One of the reasons I was angry and defensive is because my husband had a 9 to 5 that was more like 7 to 6, and he also worked many Friday nights and weekends.  He still does, I'm still not happy about it, but being angry didn't do any good.